Scrubs

Before I go into that building and start my day,

I always like to take a quiet moment to prepare myself.

Not you, sir.

What's the rule about white boys dancing?

Not allowed unless you're gay.

Morning, Steven.

Fine. Then I'll just put on something that rocks.

As a third-year resident,

you know everyone so well you can speak for them.

Remember, no more dancing.

Good morning, Bambi. Sign this, please.

Who you eyeballing, tough guy?

And of course...

Zsa Zsa, you put me in quite the pickle.

You see, with those earphones on you can't hear me,

but the odds are highly against you

cracking open that yapper and annoying me.

So, what to do? What to do? What to do?

Ah, hell.

Stop addressing me as Dr. Cox in front of your patients.

When they find out my name, they page me with questions

when they realize just exactly how inept you really are.

And as an added safety measure, from now on,

I'll only respond to Doctor, Doc, Caesar or The Big Cheese,

and no, I'm not joking.

Not now.

Not ever. Ha!

Things never really change around here.

Surgical and Medical still play each other in basketball.

I'm gonna toast you so bad,

your mama ain't even gonna recognize you.

Well, I heard that your sister started drinking again.

I'm still not great at smack talk.

- It's not supposed to be true? - No.

Let it pour, big guy.

Elliot was still searching for something

to turn things around.

Isn't she beautiful? This car has totally maxed out my credit,

but my self-esteem's been so low I think it's worth it, do you?

I just deliver the cars. She's all yours.

Frick.

The only difference is that by the third year nothing catches you by surprise.

Mrs. Farr is still having acute abdominal pain.

So, what's wrong with me, Doctor?

Good Lord. I have no idea. OK, don't panic.

Just do what all doctors do in this situation and fake a page.

- - Uh-oh.

- Got a Code 3 down the hall. - What's that?

Code 3? Not as bad as a Code 4,

but a hell of a lot worse than a Code 2.

That's a Code 2.

I cannot figure out what's wrong. I gotta go ask Cox.

- Ask me. - You're a surgeon.

You just cut people up. You don't actually know anything.

Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox.

- Big Cheese. - Yes?

If you're wondering why Dr. Kelso's nose is squeaking,

about a week ago he was torturing Elliot,

and Dr. Cox, well...

Needless to say, there were consequences.

Perry, great news.

I managed to swing it so that you get to go over

to the state pen today and do the annual inmates' physicals.

Hell's bells, Bob-O, if you wanna fire me, just do it.

I would, but even though it was quite crowded

when you sucker-punched me, apparently nobody saw it happen.

Saw what happen, sir?

So, can you look at her chart?

Newbie, did you not see what just happened?

Kelso is so far up my ass, I can taste Brylcreem

in the back of my throat.

And you're third year now. Wake up.

This whole "Dr. Cox riding into the rescue"

part of the show is over.

You're on your own.

Elliot's unlucky streak

continued with the head of Radiology.

Dr. Moyer, you told me my patient had colitis,

but it was traveler's diarrhea.

So? Sounds like good news.

Yeah, he took it as bad news,

maybe 'cause of the unnecessary colonoscope

I shoved three feet up his pooper.

What do you want me to do?

Apologize to my patient

and tell him it was your mistake, no big deal.

Think I'm gonna pass on that one.

See, I got you pegged as one of those spineless types

that's not gonna cause me any trouble no matter what I do.

So thanks for stopping by, and don't forget your car door.

I just don't want it to get stolen, OK?

That was me not caring.

What?

Now that we can always hear Dr. Kelso coming,

some people have modified their work habits.

So, you're engaged to that surgeon guy?

- Is it serious? - No, Ted. We swing.

- - Squeaky's a-comin'.

Oh, hey, Bobcat, I was hoping that maybe you could get someone

to cover for me out at the prison tonight.

I know that the very idea of you doing a favor for me

makes those ass cheeks clench up so tight

that you could shove a lump of coal up there

and probably crap out a diamond.

I can't even remember the last time I saw my son.

You... You're a father, for God's sake.

You understand, don't you?

My son was recently kicked out of his Hare Krishna sect

for being too much of a hippie

and is currently residing in the Portland subway system.

The point is that the only thing I care less about than my son

is your son.

Have fun at the big house.

Hey.

You guys know that unbelievably handsome new anesthesiologist?

- Yes. No. - No.

He didn't know I was engaged,

so he asked me out to a movie tonight.

If he's paying, get a brother some Sno-Caps.

Turk, why don't you ever get jealous?

Woman, look at me.

How could someone with all of this be jealous of any of that?

You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around?

I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me.

What makes everybody walk all over me?

- No self-confidence. - You can be a baby.

Your voice is high when you're upset.

Rhetorical question!

- I'm getting smoothies. - Peach Fizzle.

- Banana Razzmatazz. - Orange Goo-goo.

Got it.

Mrs. Farr. I'm gonna start running tests for everything.

Good luck. Look at the time.

In a hospital, you can never try to get anything done.

Friday after 5pm.

Anyone who can actually help you

is out of here like a gunshot.

Hello? Anyone?

Have a good weekend, Steven.

- Sean? - Hey. Elliot, how you doing?

You look great.

Except the buzz cut is tapping into my recurring dream

where my dad makes me marry this army colonel

who, as it turns out, already has a wife in the Philippines.

We become friends, but she smothers him with her thighs

and frames me.

I'm doing about the same, too.

I thought you hated this place

'cause of when you got sick here.

You remember that?

- You got sick on my face. - That wasn't the smoothies.

You said you were falling in love with me,

and when I get uncomfortable I hurl.

I know. I get a little gassy.

This is gonna sound weird, but this is fate.

Things have just been so bleak lately.

I've been waiting for someone to come along, and here you are.

- The one that got away. -

- That means something, right? - Yeah, I think...

Hello.

Oh...

It's OK. It happens.

That girl is extra-strength crazy.

She's a doctor. She's gotta have it a little bit together, right?

Your smoothies are on your car.

Oh...

Double frick.

I was trying to keep things positive with Mrs. Farr.

You won't have breakfast with us tomorrow.

- Am I going home tonight? - No, the cook died.

What the hell am I gonna do?

Hey.

She wanted to come back and help.

I wasn't gonna let my baby be here

all alone with all sorts of guys

eyeballing her privates and whatnot.

If you can't muster up some sincere jealousy,

don't even bother.

I got everyone smoothies.

They were out of Orange Goo-goo.

How can we help, Bambi?

To figure out what's wrong,

we need to get a whole bunch of tests done.

There's nothing wrong with needing your friends.

It's better than missing your family