The Windsors (Season One)

Give the people of Britain a referendum

on the abolition of the monarchy!

Wouldn't it be great if we could get Mum and Dad back together?

We could be a happy family again,

just like we were in January and February 1994.

- Will you marry me? - Yes!

We've got the whole of the British establishment behind us.

What have you got?

The National Union of Teachers!

It's a win for the Abolish campaign.

The British monarchy is no more.

- What happened? - I'll tell you what's happened.

While you two were off gallivanting on your post-referendum hols,

the country's gone to shit.

You've bollocked-up this country more than the Luftwaffe,

the unions and the abolition of the grammar school system!

- What's happened? - After the public voted to abolish the monarchy,

George Osborne ousted Cameron, became President

and forced through an even more severe austerity programme.

Without the checks and balances the monarchy provided,

there was nothing to stop him.

So, we WEREN'T just a bunch of irrelevant leeches

sponging off the state?

Quite the opposite. We were vital,

like the filtration system of a sewage works.

In you go!

Harry...

Comrade Harry.

This building's been designated large enough for eight families.

But it's just an apartment!

Funny apartment with four floors, three kitchens and 30 rooms.

It's got 20 rooms, actually.

We did a lot of knocking through.

- In you go! - Harry, what's happened to you?

Well, without the safety net of the royal family,

working as a lackey for the totalitarian state

is the only job I could get, so...

What are they doing?

Osborne has banned central heating.

Hey, that's a Constable worth over £10 million!

Fuck off! I'm cold.

If it's all so awful, why aren't they rebelling against it?

They've been pacified by gladiatorial-style games

where aristocratic families fight each other

in a battle to the death.

What, like a posh Hunger Games?

Is it? I don't watch television.

Well, Countryfile...

Anyway, it replaces the pomp and ceremony that we used to supply.

It's also their way of killing off the minor royals.

I don't like it!

No!

I just got the Right Honourable Freddie Windsor in the guts.

He's in the undergrowth, but he won't last long.

And I just decapitated the Duke of Kent.

Oh, who'll present the prizes at Wimbledon now?

They should just get an ex-player, like John McEnroe or Steffi Graf.

Actually, that makes a lot of sense.

No-one really knows who the Duke of Kent is.

Was.

You'd be good at that, Kate.

You're no stranger to killing people.

Well, what about Richard, Charles' illegitimate mixed-race son?

Why did the brakes fail on his brand-new motorbike?

Perhaps someone put a gypsy curse on him.

- That's enough! - Hello, roomies.

- Who fancies dinner? - How did you get all that, Auntie Fergs?

Erm, I had to have sex with the grocer.

That's the currency now.

No, the old currency still works.

Oh, does it? I didn't realise.

You're sure you're OK signing the contract?

George Osborne! Why are you doing this?

President Osborne.

To balance the books and then sell the country to the Chinese.

We're signing the contract a week today.

Now, where's my girlfriend?

Pippa!

How could you?

Turns out I didn't need to marry a prince after all.

- Hey! - Hey, you're Wills, right?

I've got a bone to pick.

I came to Britain to see an hereditary monarchy,

but when I get here, nada.

I'm going to Denmark, which still has a king.

And when I get Stateside,

I'm going to rip Britain a new one on TripAdvisor.

So I've even destroyed the British tourist industry.

William, your kingdom is in grave peril.

King Arthur! But what can I do?

I'm one man and the country's pacified by the Hunger Games.

You must use Excalibur.

- But that's just a myth. - Not at all. It's real.

It's in the basement of Buckingham Palace.

It has been the source of all the kings and queens of England's power,

although it hasn't been used for centuries.

Why didn't you tell George VI about it during World War II?

I tried, but when I started talking, he just ran away screaming.

The signing of the contract to sell Britain to the Chinese

has been moved forward to tonight.

We've got to get to Buckingham Palace. NOW!

Godspeed, William. And William?

You head Guy Ritchie is making a series of films based on me?

- Yeah. - Try and get Ridley Scott.

It's just us now, sis.

We're the only minor royals left.

Oh, Eugenie...

I could never kill my own sister.

You mean everything to me.

We've been through so much together.

All our online business ventures, our first forays into work...

That's six hours I won't forget.

Where is it? It must be here somewhere!

Will...

George Osborne!

What are you doing?

Saving Britain!

Why won't it come? I have royal blood!

Ah, but you've abolished the monarchy.

Maybe there are magic words you have to say.

Expelliarmus!

Open Sesame.

Izzy, Wizzy, let's get busy!

Watch out, Wills!

He's got the parliamentary mace!

Wake up, Will!

- Wake up! - Come on, you fucker!

Sorry, I was having the strangest dream.

We'd won, but everything went wrong.

Well, I don't think you're going to have to worry about that.

- Why? - Because we've lost.

The British public have voted to keep the monarchy, the twats!

Sorry, I'm just disappointed.

Don't be. We haven't lost -- we've won. I was wrong, Kate.

The British public need the checks and balances the monarchy provides.

Being king is just about the most important job there is.

In that case, maybe it's a good thing you've changed your mind

because not only do they want to keep the monarchy,

they also want you to be the next king.

Skip a generation!

Well, as long as Dad's OK about it.

And there's something else -- let's renew our vows.

- Wills, why? - Because I love you

and because the British public love pomp and ceremony

and if we don't give it to them,

there's a very real danger they'll kill each other with axes.

In that case...

I'd love to.

Sorry it's just me.

The Prime Minister rather tied one on last night.

- That's all right. - And you're sure you're all right

- about stepping aside for your son? - Oh, absolutely.

And, anyway, people will still bow to me because my comments on

architecture and the environment are so valuable.

Yes. Well, if you could just sign that

and have it back to me by the end of the week, I'll be off.

Papa, I'm sorry about this.

Oh, my dear boy, don't be.

But you've waited your whole life to be king.

The important thing is there'll still be a monarchy

and it'll give me more time to devote

to my vital woodlice monitoring work.

We thought you might be upset.

Quite the contrary.

My ideas will no longer be dismissed as the ravings

of an over-privileged loony.

They'll be judged on their merits,

like my environmentally-friendly servants' quarters pod.

And what about you, Camilla?

Oh, I couldn't be happier.

After all, we've still got each other.

David Dimbleby, signing off.

And what a couple of days it's been. A triumph for the hereditary system.

But that's enough about me and my brother.

It's congratulations again to the house of Windsor.

- Hi, guys. - Kate!

Next queen, eh? I bet you'll be the only one of those

who can strip a car to its chassis in 45 minutes.

With just a pair of pliers.

Come to pick up your bridesmaid's dress?

No, I wanted to tell you face-to-face --

Wills and I are renewing our vows.

Hang on, when?

Pretty soon -- next week.

So we'll have to postpone our wedding.

Only for a year or so.

I am sorry.

Shut your rat-hole!

Take your dress and fuck off!

Actually, I picked my own out.

- You did what? - I thought you'd be pleased.

Wow! You've got an even nicer arse than Pippa.

What did you say?

Wow! You've got an even nicer arse than Pippa.

GET OUT!

- Why? I thought we were planning the wedding. - There will be no wedding.

The one thing I had, the one thing that was truly mine

was my arse!

And you wouldn't even let me have that.

You bitch!