Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion

'Neath the merciless sun,

across the trackless desert,

march the men of the Foreign Legion.

Unwanted men, the forsaken of a hundred nations.

They came to the Legion to forget.

Our story is about two men

whom the Foreign Legion would like to forget.

And they were unwanted...

Even in Brooklyn.

But let us start at the beginning,

and the cause of it all: these two wrestlers.

Oh!

Hold it.

Hold it, hold everything!

Keep that crowd quiet!

Quiet.

Quiet, quiet!

That'll keep you quiet.

- Mr. Jones, this guy ain't followin' the script.

He was supposed to stand still and let me butt him.

Now listen, you.

When the script says you get butted, you get butted.

What a rehearsal!

No emotion, no fire, no nothing!

The best script I ever wrote, and you guys smell it up.

Tell him, he's the one that can't read.

I don't have to read.

I'm the wrestling champion in all North Africa.

- Don't you guys realize that nobody's gonna pay good money

just to see wrestling?

You've gotta dramatize it.

You've gotta suffer.

You've gotta...

There you are.

Get that expression of suffering.

That's agony!

Hold that expression, Lou.

I want the boys to study it.

Hold it.

Okay, Lou, that's enough.

Don't ham it up, Come on.

Come on, get out.

There.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on!

I want you to show these guys how to do their parts.

First of all, you'll stand in for Abdullah.

Come on.

Now we'll start from the top of page five.

Uh, wait a minute, here we are.

Uh, now, "Bert charges in with a dropkick.

"Abdullah goes down, but is he hurt?

"No, he looks up at Bert and sneers with contempt."

Now wait a minute!

Now watch carefully.

Go ahead.

No, no, no, no, no, Lou, come on.

Don't take so long to fall down!

I want Abdullah to get the proper timing.

Come on, come on, come on.

- I'm awfully sorry it took me so long to fall down.

All right, all right.

Now, you're Bert, you're Bert.

Abdullah, retaliate!

Lou, will you fall faster?

You're slowing up the whole action of this script.

And I'm not a bit happy about that fall.

That makes two of us.

- Do you want me to do it again, Mr. Jones?

No, certainly not.

I don't want you to get hurt.

Uh, look, take the next move.

And really pour it on this time.

Go ahead.

No, no, no!

Abdullah, can't you bounce him a little harder?

We're not getting the right sound effect.

That's it, now you've got it.

Get the idea, Bert?

You're taking a terrific beating.

Abdullah's murdering ya, but you can take it.

Thanks, I always do my best.

I'm not wearing you out, am I?

No.

All right, Abdullah, that's enough.

I don't want you to tire yourself out.

Bert, take over.

That was fine, Bert.

Are you tired? - No.

- Are you tired? - No.

Whose turn is it?

Mine.

All right, we'll toss for it.

Heads.

It's tails, I win.

We'll do the Boston routine.

The Boston routine?

The Boston routine.

Boston routine.

- Why-- - Ahhh, now wait a minute!

Let's do the whirlwind finale, that's the one.

- (yelps) Hey, Bud, get me off this merry-go-round!

Ooh, let me down!

That's fine.

That's it!

That's just what I'm looking for, what a touch!

It's beautiful.

You!

You, the victorious hero.

And you, beaten into surrender,

crawling away like a whipped dog.

Abdullah's no whipped dog.

I'm a great champion, I never lose.

- But Abdullah, you won last week in Boston.

Tomorrow night it's Bert's turn.

You know, after all, he's a big favorite in this town.

- Abdullah's the greatest wrestler in the world.

I never lose.

I'll quit first and return to my tribe.

Now wait a minute.

Let's take it easy, brother.

You know you've got a signed contract with us.

And remember I borrowed five grand

from the syndicate to bring you over here from Algiers.

I don't care.

Abdullah says good-bye.

But what about the five grand?

Say good-bye to that too.

I'm taking the first boat home.

Hey, stupid.

Come on, stupid.

Abdullah walked out on us.

We've gotta get him back.

We'll be in plenty of trouble if that guy blows town.

What guy blows town?

What did you say?

What guy blows town?

How can you talk with your mouth shut?

Well?

Abdullah blew.

Oh.

Well, what have you got to say, Jonesy?

- Well, if you're talking about the five grand, boss,

don't worry about that.

I'll get it back to you.

Five grand's small change.

The setup we got for Abdullah is worth 100 grand.

You wouldn't want us to lose that kind of dough,

would you, Jonesy?

Oh, I...

I...

Don't give it a second thought, Frankie.

We'll get Abdullah back

if we have to chase him around

the four corners of the globe.

Don't worry about a thing.

Come on, Lou.

Come on.

- Excuse me, Bud, do you mind if I ask you a question?

Go ahead.

Just what are we doing here?

We're looking for Abdullah.

We are?

Sure, he bought a ticket for Algiers.

Uh, neighbor, do you know Abdullah the wrestler?

The wrestler, Abdullah?

The...

Lou, show him a picture.

Here.

This is the way he looks undressed.

That's it.

And here's the way he looks dressed.

- He wears the headdress of the Al-Minya tribe.

Oh, so you know him?

Oh, no, no, no, 1-1 know nothing.

I want no trouble.

Now go away.

Go away, go away!

Ooh, he is ugly!

- Oh, I wish we could find someone around here

to give us a sensible answer.

So do I.

She's beautiful.

Hey, Bud!

I'll get some sense out of this here one.

I'll ask her.

Ay-yai-yai-yai-yai.

Bud, come here, come here.

What's the matter?

You talk to this lady.

Maybe she can answer...

Oh, sure, I--

(yelps) This is mine!