Melissa & Joey

"melissa and joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, what a perfect morning.

I've got my man, I've got my nephew,

He has his girlfriend, and she has her baby.

That's right. And I got my farm fresh ricotta.

Oh, which means later on I'm gonna have a great lasagna.

This day just gets better and better.

Oh, look. Free smoothie samples.

Get the kale one. It's the best.

With a shot of kelp.

Mommy, this tastes like medicine.

Oh, and now we know why those are free.

- Would you? - Sure, yeah.

I'm licensed to drive one of these things.

Oh, what an adorable baby.

You must be so proud.

Oh, well, while she is adorable enough to be mine,

Oh. So that makes you the proud grand--

For your own sake, do not say that.

Looks like somebody's getting tired, huh?

Hey, we'll meet you guys back at the house, okay?

That is, if I don't get pulled over for speeding first.

All right, isabel, you ready to ride shotgun?

Here we go! Vroom vroom!

Well, ryder sure is good with that baby.

Yeah, well, he and isabel have similar interests--

Naps and boobs.

- ( dog barking ) - look, joe. Dog adoptions.

Oh, look at this little guy.

He is so cute.

Yeah, he's adorable.

Use some hand sanitizer. We might be touching later.

It's so sad. He's an orphan.

please, sir, may I have a home?

Look, he fits in my arms perfectly,

And he already knows my name.

"burke! Burke burke burke!"

Come on. Let's take him.

- No. - Why not?

You want all 500 reasons,

Or just the top two?

All right, number one,

You're gone all day at work,

And number two, I am not babysitting

Your shedding furball.

he can hear you.

Come on. It's really not the right time

For you and me to be adopting a dog.

You can see that, right?

Yeah, you're right.

It's not a good time now.

But you know what, buddy, it's not you, it's us.

Well, mostly him.

You know what?

He is gonna find the perfect home, okay?

I can feel it.

Joe, look who found the perfect home.

- ♪ it's all good - ♪ all good

- ♪ it's okay - ♪ okay

- ♪ it's all right - ♪ all right

♪ as far as I can see

- ♪ it's all good - ♪ all good

- ♪ it's okay - ♪ okay

- ♪ it's all right - ♪ all right

♪ I guess you're stuck

♪ with me.

Mel, honey, I thought we talked and agreed

That we weren't getting a dog.

"I'm wendell."

Oh, jeez. You named it?

Look, we didn't get a dog. I got a dog.

And wendell here is now a part of that independent

Joe-free portion of my life,

Which includes thousand island dressing

And watching "the view."

But, mel, after careful consideration and logic,

We decided it wasn't the best time.

That was your decision.

My decision was based on how cute he is.

Oh, yeah. Oh, watch this.

- Hey. - ( toy squeaks )

Wendell, kill the pig. Kill the pig.

Wow, so at least we know that we're gonna be safe

If we ever happened to be attacked by toy pigs.

Let me ask you something, mel.

How do you plan to care for this completely untrained animal

When you're down in city hall all day doing...

Whatever the hell it is you do down there?

Okay, now you're just finding problems that don't exist.

There are dog-sitters on every street corner

Just waiting to be called.

Those are homeless people.

There are teenagers in this neighborhood

That would pay me to look after an adorable dog like wendell.

- We'll find somebody. - Yeah, and what if we don't?

I gotta tell you, not a dog person.

What?!

Who are you?

I didn't just say I owned slaves.

I'm just not a big fan of anyone

Who wipes their butt on the carpet.

To care of this adorable bundle of unconditional love.

Oh, look. How can you hate a face like that?

Dude, what are you doing to the baby?

I've got the heat setting on low.

How did you end up putting a hair dryer on her?

I shared my guacamole with her, right?

Okay, I'm all caught up.

She overflowed her diaper three times,

So I had to give her a bath in the sink.

You moved all the dishes out of there first though, right?

They weren't in the way.

And we're getting new dishes.

Anyway, she went through four outfits,

And I went through two,

So figured this made the most sense to wear.

You know, you don't always have to keep volunteering to watch her, man.

Stella had marching band practice, all right?

If I hadn't helped,

She would have had to drop out.

Okay, I just got a waft of something.

Was that you or her?

I hope it was me.

Yeah, it was me.

I just met wendell, our new dog.

Uh, it's not our dog. It's your aunt's dog.

All right? She's gonna be the one taking care of it.

I just posted this on instagram,

And look at how many likes he got.

Everybody likes him.

Not everybody.

Oh, look at those ears.

He's adorable.

Mmm.

Hey, what about little isabel here?

I'd say she's pretty cute.

Oh, man!

This is my last clean swimsuit.

Stop looking at me. I'm not your owner.

Morning, joe.

- See you, joe. - Hey, wait wait wait wait.

Where's that dog-sitter that your aunt hired?

Oh, right. Natalie just called.

Her mom caught her in the shower with her boyfriend,

And when I say her boyfriend, I mean her mom's boyfriend.

So anyway, she got grounded

And isn't coming.

Who's gonna be taking care of your aunt's dog then?

I already tweeted like a hundred pictures

Of him doing really cute stuff.

Oh, you did? That's not helping.

No, it is, okay?

I tweeted "boy, did I have a ruff day."

That's cute, huh?

I have a class. Good luck.

Lennox?

What, you think you can win me over, huh?

Really?

You're a rat with a collar.

- Hey, joe. - Mel, listen--

Look, we're in the middle of a meeting.

We're about to vote on a very important issue.

I vote the falafel place.

We did indian last week.

Hey, mel, I hate to be one of those boyfriends

Who says "I saw this coming,"

But day one, day one,

Doggie day care is off the rails.

But I booked natalie.

Yeah, natalie's stuck in the shower.

She ain't coming.

All right? So what do you plan to do for your dog today?

Ooh, can you put wendell on?

I want to tell him I wuv him.

Uh, no. He's busy right now.

What's he doing?

Something I can't.

When are you getting home?

Joe, I'm really stuck. I'm begging you.

Watch wendell for one day.

- No, I can't. - Thanks.

Ooh, you're the best boyfriend ever.

Mel.

Well, I'm glad you like entertaining yourself, pal.

'cause you're on your own for the rest of today.

Dude, what are you doing?

Forget it, all right?

I'm not opening the--

All right, you pain in the ass, let's go.

Sorry I'm a few minutes late.

Yeah.

23 minutes, actually, frank,

But who's counting?

Anyway, we'll do what we can we the time we have left, all right?

We're gonna start with biceps. Three sets of hammer curls.

Hey, you got a dog.

Does he have a name?

I can tell you what I call him.

And if he knows what's good for him,

He's gonna stay out of my way today.