Dracula 3000

Self-destruct sequence initiated. They're out there now!

Taunting me, calling me! Self-destruct in ten,

nine, eight, seven, I must... resist.

Six, five, four,

three, two, one.

Self-destruct sequence terminated.

All systems normal.

No!

I am Abraham Van Helsing, captain of mother III,

a deep space salvage ship.

Fourteen days ago, I got a tip from a friend at the confederation

that a large cargo ship, the demeter,

that a large cargo ship, the demeter,

that had been lost for years, had been spotted in the carpathian system.

Nothing unusual about that.

There are lots of floaters in that system.

But what is unusual is that the ship was moving as if it had a heading...

Earth.

So, if I can get to the demeter

before the confederation lays claim to it,

the ship and whatever's on it will be ours, free and clear.

I just hope that my crew can handle a job this big.

This ship is massive, and there are only six of us.

This ship is massive, and there are only six of us.

This is the smartest guy on the crew.

We call him the professor.

And we'd be in good hands

if he knew half as much as he thinks he does.

Mina, our navigator,

technically an intern from the academy of intergalactic navigation...

So she works for free, which offsets the fact

that we spend half our time lost in space.

But, hey, you never know what you might find out there.

This is Humvee... All brawn, zero brains.

Perfect for salvage jobs, heavy salvage jobs

perfect for salvage jobs, heavy salvage jobs

and heavier salvage jobs and...

Well, you get the idea.

We call this guy 187.

And they tell me 187 was his I.Q.

Before he enrolled at Berkeley's satellite campus

and started smoking everything in sight.

Aurora, my vice captain.

Keeps to herself. More than a little abrasive.

It's her first time out with a crew like this one,

and looking like that doesn't help her cause.

But what she lacks in people skills, she more than makes up for in ambition.

But what she lacks in people skills, she more than makes up for in ambition.

And if we get into a tight spot, I think she'll pull through.

Ah, there she is, captain, the demeter.

Think we can salvage her?

I don't see any problem. She seems pretty intact to me.

Any sign of life?

Professor.

No emb response, no electros, no pulse signal.

Nothing calculable, captain.

Nothing?

Nothing?

No.

Our tractor beam should be able to bring her up alongside us,

and we can access her main loading bay.

Take us in nice and easy.

You're up, Mina. Get on that ship.

Keep moving.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Nothing here, professor. I'm scanning cold.

Well, keep moving.

Come on. That's not fair.

I don't know why I always gotta go first.

It's not really what I signed up for.

What did you sign up for? I'm a navigator!

What did you sign up for? I'm a navigator!

I don't know what looking around spooky old ships has to do with navigation.

Someone tell me. I'd love to know.

Know how many people would love to be in your shoes,

working long hours with a bunch of sweaty guys for no money?

You don't know how good you got it. Right.

Just get your ass on that ship.

June 3, 2950.

We have experienced engine difficulty

and are running at quarter speed.

Repairs will be completed

repairs will be completed

as soon as the first and second engineer get over...

I won't say, um, epidemic,

but at least half of the crew is now afflicted.

I have implemented strict quarantine procedures

and confined myself to quarters.

Mina?

Mina, don't leave us in the dark. What's going on?

What's going on, little sister?

Mina, come in.

Would you sort out her comms. There's nothing wrong with her comms.

Something's up with her heart monitor. It's taking off.

Something's up with her heart monitor. It's taking off.

Rate's ascending past 80.

Past 90.

100. 110.

120. 135.

Shit. This is disconcerting.

No!

You okay, little girl? Humvee. Let me go.

You gonna behave?

Let go!

What's up, little girl?

I thought I saw something.

I took a wrong turn and... I got disoriented.

You got lost. How you gonna get lost with a damn scanner?

Hummer?

Yeah, boss?

Daddy's little girl, she's okay. She claims she got lost.

Is she okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. I'm sorry.

Hummer, is she okay?

Hummer, is she okay?

Yeah, she's all right.

She's still the same little shameless little ho she's always been, though.

I want you to check the O2 levels. Yeah, cap.

It's 87%. Sweeter than home.

Eighty-seven? Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

As sure as my package is bigger than yours.

You want to come down here and find out for yourself?

Okay, I know how sure you are about your package.

Go environmental.

Go environmental.

You got it. You first.

Up yours.

All right. We'll do this job together.

On three, okay?

One, two...

Three!

Whoa! That smell!

Humvee?

What's going on, Humvee?

Captain, Humvee's down!

Captain, Humvee's down!

Don't panic. Try to help him.

Humvee?

Humvee.

Humvee...

Animal!

Ech! Your life will be changed for the better now.

Once you go black, you never go back.

Mina, what's going on? Hey, cap'n, she's okay.

We're just getting a little face time with miss-da-Mina.

Well, cut it out.

Well, cut it out.

Damn, I'm never gonna get no action on this damn ship.

Hey, cap, the air's a-OK, daddy-o.

Okay, we're comin' in.

You okay?

Some mouthwash would be nice.

Pull another stunt like that, and you'll be cleaning the head all the way home. Got me?

Pull another stunt like that, and you'll be cleaning the head all the way home. Got me?

Okay, cap.

Off-world transporter, captain. Silvestri, mark 4.

I'd say she's about 50 years old.

Fifty years? Oh, at least.

Better get out of here. Think she's still got juice in her?

Perhaps. There's only one way to find out.

Where's the fission room? That way.

Let's see if we can get this tub runnin'. Where the fuck is 187?

I'm not nobody's baby-sitter.

June 5, 2950.

The situation couldn't be worse.

Engines are down,

and we're adrift, still in the carpathian galaxy.

The comm system is only... half working.

We can only receive

incoming messages.

Our distress signals are not being transmitted.

Our distress signals are not being transmitted.

We seem to be losing complete control

of the functions of the ship.

Half of the crew have been overcome by...

It's unlike...

Anything I have seen.

*

Ooh!

187!

Get your rinky ass down here now!

* In the underground *

* are you out there * * out there *

* are you out there *

* out there *

Hey, I ain't kidding, 187.

Get your butt down here!

All right, captain buzzkill.

All right, captain buzzkill.

Hang ten, dude.

Surf's up!

Hydroponically speaking, of course.

* Are you out there * * out there *

* are you out there *

* out there * * out *

* out there * * there *

* out *

* out *

Ah! Uh, o-over there.