South Park

# I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time #

# Friendly faces everywhere #

# Humble folks without temptation #

# I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind #

# Ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor #

# Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind #

# Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine #

- You have been very, very naughty.

You're a naughty girl.

- Oh, yes, Gerald. I've been so naughty.

Oh, jeez!

What the--Ike!

Ike, get back to bed right now!

- I'm scared. There's a ghost.

Oh, not this again.

Ike, we are sick of you talking about ghosts.

- But Daddy, I saw the-- - No buts.

Get back to your room right now and don't come out.

You got it?

- Gerald, what has gotten into him?

Oh, I don't know.

I think maybe with all the news

of famous people dying this summer,

he--he's just freaked himself out.

- Hi. Billy Mays here for Megascrub Cleanser.

Aah!

- Are you tired of your kitchen counters

getting those nasty stains?

Don't just rub them, Megascrub them.

Billy Mays, no!

- Mold, mildew, even those impossible wine stains

are gone in a flash when you snipe them away.

Mommy!

Aah!

Farrah Fawcett! Farrah Fawcett!

Aah!

David Carradine!

- Hi. Billy Mays here for Mighty Mend-it--

the fast and easy way to mend, hem, and wear it again.

No!

Ike! Ike, what?

Make Billy Mays go away!

Make Billy Mays go away!

Make him stop!

Make him stop, Kyle!

- Now, Ike, your family is very worried about you.

Ike, you can talk to me. I'm a therapist.

Whatever has been troubling you, it's okay.

- No. It's-- it's a secret.

Ike, tell me your secret.

I promise not to tell anyone else.

I see dead celebrities.

- You mean, you see dead celebrities on tv,

in the news?

I see them walking around.

They talk to me.

- Are you seeing any dead celebrities right now?

Just Ed McMahon.

- How often do you see dead celebrities?

All the time.

'sup, Jew?

- Guys, Ike has gotten worse. I'm really worried about him.

He says he's still seeing dead celebrities.

Hah! What a dumbass.

I don't know.

Last night we found him hiding in the kitchen pantry.

He was screaming the name Billy Mays over and over again.

- Billy Mays? Billy Mays?

Dude, you didn't tell us Ike was seeing Billy Mays!

What?

- Your little brother saw the ghost of Billy Mays?

- Dude, I don't even know who that is.

The guy on tv

who had incredible things for people to buy?

He died four months ago,

but they still show his commercials all the time?

Oh! Oh, for the love of Christ. Here.

Here, here. This is him.

- Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product.

If you're like other Americans, you love to eat Chipotle,

but you hate all those terrible bloodstains

in your underwear.

I love Chipotle,

but getting all the bloodstains out of my underwear

is a nightmare.

- Well, now there's a product

that can clean even bloodstains caused by Chipotle

right off your underwear.

Chipotlaway.

Just one Chipotle burrito

can leave up to a 1/4 cup of underwear blood,

but Chipotlaway makes your underwear clean

and ready for more.

Stop buying new underwear every time you eat Chipotle.

That can cost you thousands.

Chipotlaway gets rid of bloodstains

and leaves underwear good as new.

Imagine having underwear so clean

you can practically eat off of it.

Mmm! Chipotle!

- Now you can eat all the Chipotle you want

and still have underwear that sparkles and shines.

Order right now!

- That product changed my life.

It really works. I use it all the time.

- What? Are you serious?

- Look, Kyle, if there's even a chance

that Billy Mays' soul is not at rest,

then I want to help however I can.

- Dude, why the hell would you do that?

- Because he was a great person, Kyle.

- No, why the hell would you keep eating

something that made you crap blood?

- Dude, have you had Chipotle? It's really good.

You guys, we have to help Kyle's brother

and get to the bottom of this,

and I think I know just who to call.

- On this episode of Ghost Hunters,

A little boy in Colorado appears to be haunted by celebrities.

Now the Ghost Hunter team will roll out

and get to the bottom of it.

It's the gayest show in the fucking world.

Ghost Hunters!

- All right, tell us what we've got this week, Chris.

- We're going to Colorado to investigate celebrity paranorm--

- Wait, what--what was that? What was that?

- I heard it too. It was like a--like a--

Is there a ghost here?

All right, so you say a little boy is seeing the ghost?

- Yeah, apparently only he is seeing them.

- Doi--shh, shh! What is that? Do you hear that?

There, there. look. What is that? What is that?

- I think that's just a cigarette lighter.

- Oh, right, okay. Maybe.

We are now inside the house

where the celebrity ghosts have been spotted.

Whoa, whoa, what-- what was that? What was that?

What was what?

- Did you hear that? It was like a--

it was like a "doo."

Is there a spooky ghost here?

Look! What is that? What is that?

- I'm pretty sure that's their television.

- Oh, man, I am really scared.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this? What is this?

There's a there's a-- a wetness coming from my pants!

- I see it! - What is it?!

- Oh, no! God, I'm so scared! I'm so scared!

- Look! Look, it's got you, too!

Are you getting this? Make sure the camera is getting this!

Definitely some paranormal activity.

It's warm and moist--

a warm, moist sensation that's moving down my left thigh.

- Look, it's starting to form a--a--

a pool around the floor now.

Are you getting this?

- Are you guys fucking serious?

- Oh, god, the paranormal activity is now leaving a--

a trail of some kind behind both of us.

- Oh! Something hot and warm

is coming out the back of my pants now.

Oh, it smells!

- You see, Ike? There's nothing.

There's nothing for you to be afraid of.

- Hi, Billy Mays here for the Big City Slider Station.

- It's all just in your head, Ike.

The fast and easy way

to press and cook delicious sliders.

Aah! Aah!

- I just don't understand it.

- It's gonna be all right, Kyle.

- But dude, it doesn't make any sense.

I mean, if you know it's going to make you crap blood,

why wouldn't you at least just try eating less of it?

- Because, dude, that's what I'm saying.

You have the Chipotlaway, so it doesn't matter.

But of course it matters,

because you should be concerned there's blood in your underwear.

Do you understand this?

- Dude, I don't understand at all.

I eat Chipotle all the time and it never made me crap blood.

- Oh, well, how nice for you, Stan.

It's great you've got a golden rectum of the gods,

but the rest of us need Chipotlaway.

- Well, boys, little Ike is stable.

But the celebrity ghosts

appear to have sent him into some kind of coma.

- Whoa, whoa, wait. There really are ghosts?

- Well, of course there really are ghosts.

Haven't you seen that show Ghost Hunters?

But I'm a pediatric doctor, so I'm going to hand this off

to Dr. Phillips, who specializes in spooky things.

- The ghosts of these celebrities are at deep unrest.

I've never sensed anything like it.

I believe these celebrity ghosts are still roaming the world,

reaching out through the child

because they are lost in Purgatory.

- Purgatory? What's that?

Sometimes when people die,

they can't quite accept what has happened to them,