Cucumber

We had a threesome. Henry called the police.

I got arrested, and now he's walked out.

This face is mine. It's copyright to me.

It's not to be used for masturbation

without my express permission,

and that permission you do not have.

They're suspending you, with immediate effect, without pay.

But she's lying.

Does this mean you're a virgin?

I'm not talking about it. I am not talking about this.

I'm really not talking about it, OK?

I know it's never gonna happen.

Watch me try!

When does it stop? Is it ever going to stop?

I'm ready. Show me the shag palace.

Morning. Did you get everything?

There's more in the car, but he kept the PC.

He said that's not yours, that's the house computer.

There's no such thing. What's a house computer?

I paid for it.

Tell him, not me.

Oh, and I brought all the DVDs.

I started dividing them up,

and Lance said just take them so I packed the whole lot.

Oh, my God!

Oh, your rent's insane. It must be some sort of scam.

I could get a thousand quid for this per week.

Oh, this is Dean, and, um...that's Freddie.

Oh, hello, Freddie.

Dean.

Hiya. - Cleo, my sister. Not Chloe.

Everyone says Chloe, but it's Cleo.

This is Adam, my nephew. Hands off, ha-ha.

And, er...that's Molly. She's my niece,

and that's little baby Lou.

She's Cleo's, not Molly's.

Molly's only 12. Huh.

Although, you know, these days...

Can I have a shower? - Sure.

Use my towel. It's on the rail.

That's Jacob.

Met him last night. Fucked him stupid.

Well, three years ago, they built me a new vagina,

so nothing's gonna shock me.

Now put the kettle on, Freddie.

I'll have a coffee, black.

Adam's a coke, full fat,

and Molly drinks water, no ice. Chop chop!

She's got a brother called Sonny.

I'm trying to adopt him as well,

but he still lives with the mother.

It's all a bit complicated.

But we'll see. We'll get there.

Cos Cleo's adopted.

She's the eldest. She came first.

It's funny, cos our parents couldn't conceive,

so they adopted Cleo.

Then, as soon as she arrived, Mum got pregnant with me.

It's weird. Happens a lot, apparently.

What Henry means is, I was special but he was just an accident.

What Cleo means is, I was natural but she was bought in a shop.

You're lucky. You should see my family.

They're a nightmare.

They chucked me out in the street.

Fair do's. I'd chuck you out.

Cleo was the first person I told.

Oh, I knew before he did.

When he was about 12 or 13,

if there was a man on telly who took his shirt off,

and believe me, men didn't take their shirts off back then,

Henry would go so quiet.

And I mean, silent. Like he was terrified.

Who was that man? Kevin Banks?

Kevin Banks on Crossroads.

I wonder what happened to him.

Did I look scared?

Yeah.

Sorry. Excuse me, but...are you Adam Whitaker?

Ah! You got me.

Here you go.

Sorry. I made a pledge.

Everyone who recognises me gets a badge.

"I've Met Adam Whitaker."

I've gotta be honest. It's for the girls,

really, but rules are rules.

I'll give it to my mate Griff.

He has a regular thing with you, every Sunday morning.

What do you mean? What sort of thing?

He wanks over him.

Not me personally.

My Vlog. I'm a Vlogger.

Big shout out to Danielle.

She said,

what if you cover Beanie in goose grease?

We get money from ads, and then we've got merchandise.

We've got wristbands, T-shirts,

and we're getting mugs next week, mugs with my face on,

mugs of my mug.

So, we make about 500 quid a month. - No way.

500 quid?

Well, we've got over 100,000 subscribers,

two thirds of them in Germany.

Why Germany? - It's a real thing out there

with middle-aged men. Eine kleine Britische boy.

That's why we take our shirts off. It monetises.

So, there's like 60,000 Germans tossing off over you?

Ich bin ein wankfest.

I get naked and they send me money.

Isn't that a bit like prostitution?

Yeah. How much do you earn?

So, there we go.

That's them. The kids.

Great flat, though. It gets freezing at night.

Oh. OK.

Are we done?

For Christ's sake, go home. - Oh, don't you start.

Go home, go home, go home, you stupid little man.

Molly fancies him, for God's sake! Molly.

Oh, I need that thousand quid for the underpinning.

Can I have it?

Sure, yeah.

I mean, can I have it now? - OK, I'll transfer it.

Well, can you do it now, though? I mean, really now.

I...I've just got some bills.

If you'd brought my PC, I'd be twice as fast.

House computer! I'm having that back. The liar.

Does he know? Freddie. Does he know you're still a virgin?

No, because I'm not.

I've had stacks of sex, stacks of it.

I was shagging all the way through the '90s, thank you very much.

Just because I don't do...

penetration, that doesn't mean it's not sex.

Oh, I've had plenty of nights like that.

No penetration, just a quick little fiddle when he's fast asleep,

and let me tell you, on nights like that,

I'm very clear about one thing.

I have not had sex.

Where's my money gone?

Why did you ask for that thousand quid right now?

It's mine.

You knew.

He told you. He's emptied the joint accounts,

and you bloody knew!

That bastard. That cheeky bastard!

'Sorry, I'm busy. Leave a message. Thanks.'

Yeah, well, I'm pissing myself with laughter,

you little fucking bastard!

Now put that money back!

'Hi. I'm not available. Leave a message.'

You might have noticed,

all our savings have been transferred to a brand-new account

under the name Lance E Sullivan,

and, yes, that's 100% legal, whether you like it or not.

Can I remind you, when your father died,

leaving all those stupid debts, who helped you?

But since you're newly unemployed,

I will transfer the sum of £100,once a week, into your account,

out of the goodness of my heart.

Yeah, your sister couldn't get away quick enough!

I gave you £8,000, remember?!

And I can do this on the house computer,

even though I had to take the hard drive and get it disinfected.

I'll get your father declared insane, posthumously,

so I can claim every penny back from you!

Come on, we're going! Hup!

Who paid for the fucking phone? I did!

Freddie.

Do me a favour.

Send him home.

I don't give a fuck.

Freddie? It's Freddie, isn't it?

Do you remember me? Lynne, Lynne Pascoe.

We met at that Sport Relief day.

I'm with Gregory, look!

Oh, my God!

And my sister, she's on that committee with your mum.

You know, the save-the-library thing.

Good to see you!

Sir. - Oh, bollocks to that. It's Gregory.

Yeah. It's weird, meeting teachers out of school, isn't it?

But these are ours, look. That's Nell. This is Ruby.

They weren't even born when I was teaching you.

Like, that was what? Five years ago? Six?

It's been ages.

So, you, er...you dropped out of college, didn't you?

Where was it, London?

Er... South Bank.

Yeah, we heard you were back.

Er...Lynne's sister knows your mum.

They're on that library thing.

So, what was it? Didn't like it?

Too much theory?

Yeah.

Look, I tell you what, Ruby's going to need something to eat.

Do you want to come for a coffee in town, on us?

What do you think?

Just ten minutes. Quick little coffee in town. - Yeah.

So, what sort of thing are you doing these days?

Are you working?

Er...yeah, I'm training. I'm a chef.