South Park

i am mysterion.

though only nine years old,

i dedicate my life to helping people...

when i am not in school.

for months now, i have been protecting my town from crime.

but now, something has happened

which even i cannot fight alone.

the bp oil company has drilled

and caused a spill in the gulf like no other.

the president of bp apologized.

we're sorry.

but they drilled again

and tore open a portal into another dimension.

we're sorry.

creatures from that dimension

are now wreaking havoc in the gulf.

bp tried to solve the problem by drilling on the moon,

but instead, they caused the dark lord cthulhu to emerge.

sorry.

i have joined forces

with other superheroes in my neighborhood

to help save the gulf.

but even the other heroes do not know,

that unlike them, i do have a power.

a power they will now begin to understand.

and all will know who and what i truly am.

just terrific what you boys are doing.

thank you, ma'am.

i'll take 20 lemon bars, you little rascals!

a terrific human interest story here, tom.

as america wonders

what happened to captain hindsight,

some colorado kids are being

a little "super human" themselves.

they call themselves coon and friends,

and they've been baking and selling lemon bars

to help aid those affected in the gulf crisis.

we believe that every little bit helps.

their little super club

consists of seven young heroes.

toolshed!

the human kite!

mysterion!

tupperware!

mosquito!

timmy!

mintberry crrrunch!

the boys stated that there used to also be

a hero named the coon actually in the group,

but they let him go because he was being, quote,

"a dick."

mysterion, if cartman's gone,

why are we still calling ourselves coon and friends?

because it pisses cartman off beyond belief...

and i find that extremely funny.

passengers waiting for flight 73 to new orleans,

we thank you for your patience,

but the conditions in the gulf

are still delaying our departure.

unfortunately, we've just been informed

that the dark lord cthulhu has shat on the runway

at the new orleans airport,

and we'll be delayed at least another hour.

awww!

come on, people!

some of us need to get to new orleans now!

yes, yes, i am the coon.

the coon? i've heard of that!

- you have? - i saw on tv!

that superhero group that's helping with the gulf spill!

coon and friends!

actually, i'm no longer with coon and friends.

i work on my own now.

- can i ask you a question? - yes, of course.

do you know mintberry crunch?

what's he like?

unh! aaaaah!

the evil girl villain fought with all her might,

but the coon was too much for her.

as people looked on and cheered for the coon,

he clawed and punched the villain's stupid, fat face.

this fight would not be the last, the coon thought.

next stop, new orleans.

that's almost it, superheroes!

we're about out of lemon bars!

well then, perhaps we should return

to our secret base and bake some more!

timmy!

- i'll take 10 lemon bars! - ten. yes, sir!

that's definitely the last of 'em!

you'll never stop him, you know.

stop who?

the great one. cthulhu.

he has risen, and soon all will be under his rule.

it has all been foretold in the necronomicon.

hail cthulhu!

the darkness of the mythos is finally here!

oh, man, these are really good lemon bars.

the necronomicon?

what's the mythos?

i don't know, but i think we better find out.

alright, superheroes, back to our secret base!

mintberry crunch!

what the hell?

i knew it!

cartman tore our base up. zzzt!

not cartman.

what do you mean "not cartman," dude?

whoever did this to our base was looking for something.

don't anybody move!

so you're the superheroes trying to blackmail me!

oh, dude, it's captain hindsight.

captain hindsight! the hero of the modern age!

once a reporter for the national news,

jack brolin always had a knack for hindsight.

wanting to become

the best known reporter in the country,

jack tried an experiment to boost his hindsight levels.

but then a freakish accident occurred

when a retroactive spider got into the equipment.

the reporter's hindsight was blasted to superhuman levels.

for months he was able to use his new powers for good,

fighting for peace and the american way,

with his three trusty companions,

shoulda, coulda, and woulda.

but now the hindsight that has saved so many

threatens to consume jack's very soul.

it's captain hindsight!

i should've never mixed

vodka and jack daniels.

i should've just gone to bed last night.

um, dude, are you okay?

where are the pictures?

give every copy of the pictures to me now!

p-please, sir, we don't know what you mean!

you got pictures of me having sex with courtney love!

uhhh-ohhh.

chaos, why did you take those pictures?

but i... but the coon said if i took the pictures,

he'd let me go home.

and i've missed like four days of school now 'cause...

all right, enough! what's going on?

hindsight, that isn't courtney love.

our former member, the coon, tricked you.

it's not courtney love?

please, sir. put down the gun.

no! what if i put down the gun

and then realize i shouldn't have?

look dude, we don't need to play superhero anymore.

- we can just go home. - no!

because i could realize i should have killed you all!

then do it!

pull the trigger, hindsight!

if you don't believe us, then you don't have a choice!

pull the trigger, you pussy!

dude, kenny, chill out.

you guys go! i'll deal with this prick.

uh, okay, if you insist. see ya, kenny.

my mom did tell me i have to be home by 5:00.

i said it's fine. just go!

uh, text me later, kenny,

if you wanna, like, play basketball or something.

cthulhu!

cthulhu! dude, over here!

hey, cthulhu. what's up?

yes, it is me, the coon!

but don't worry.

i'm actually not here to fight you!

we are not so different, cthulhu.

though i am a superhero

and you are a dark god from another dimension,

perhaps we can work together.

i know how it feels

to want to take over and rule the earth

and have everyone else be your slaves.

i do, bro.

but there's a group of superhumans

who are going to stop at nothing to stop you!

good, i have your attention.

the superhumans i speak of

are right now working on plans to destroy you.

they reside in colorado, and they are fucking assholes

and they all deserve to be sent into a dark oblivion!

you can do that, right?

send people into a dark oblivion?

'cause that's what those buttholes deserve!

no, dude! dude, colorado is that way!

where are you going?

god damn it, why don't dark lords fuckin' listen?

it doesn't matter.

even if the pictures are fake,

i can't take it anymore!

do you have any idea what a curse it is

to have perfect 20/20 hindsight?

as soon as something bad happens,

i immediately know how it could have been avoided.

i can't take it anymore.

people need you, hindsight.

without you, they feel helpless and stupid.

well, i don't want the power anymore, all right?