Microwave Massacre

What's going on, my man?

I have to go to the breast room. I mean, rest room. Be right back.

Yes, Napoleon. I know you're hungry.

Well, you can get ready for a feast.

I don't know how we survived all of that horrible food.

Until I decided to do something about my cuisine.

We're much better off now, though.

And if this marvel does its job, it will get even better.

That classless jerk won't hold us back anymore.

Oh, man. You still ain't got it. You're still flunking cool.

You've got to first feel the music.

I can't understand that, Rosie. How can I feel music?

You got to make like you're a willowy tree

and the music is a breeze and it's blowing you all over the place.

Hi there, fellas!

What do you call that thing?

I didn't have to call it at all. The little critter just followed me here.

Yeah? Looks good! Better than this crap.

You wouldn't have any mustard there, would you?

No, I don't.

Gee, what I'd give for a good old baloney and cheese.

How about it, Roosevelt? You could look at it like first aid.

Come on, Philip, what do you say? It's a good swap, no?

That junk sandwich for this delicacy?

Sir, I remember those things in the army.

I don't ever want anything to do with crabs!

So anyway, I get her inside, see...

I'm thinking to myself, "If this doesn't do it, nothing will."

I got a chance to see her in a new light, you know, one of them black ones.

And from a different viewpoint, with mirrors overhead.

I'm looking for a spark.

And I got all kinds of...

...explosives, right?

See, you know what that wife of mine does?

I mean, here's a $50 room, Sam, decorated in contemporary erotica,

and sex films on TV...

and she goes to the set, and she turns it to some talk show,

and she's asleep by the first commercial.

Why?

Why?! Because she's an idiot. That's why Sam!

- No, I mean... - What do you mean?

How can you defend somebody like that?

I mean, why are you telling me? What the hell do I care?

You got to care, Sam. What kind of bartender are you?

Hey, June!

I don't want to have to talk to every jerk in here with a sad story.

See that license up there? That's a liquor license,

not a shrink license.

See if you can fix that bell. I can't keep track of business without it.

That's Charlie Farrell!

He said he knew me but I didn't recognise him upright.

Upright, see!

What do you suppose a man who packs such a fancy lunch

would work in a dump like this.

Got me, man! Sam don't serve no martinis.

Hey, you guys don't really think I go for that crab crap do you?

It's awful!

But that's all my wife ever makes me lately anymore.

I can't remember the last time I had something good to eat.

- Hello there! - Hello!

Come right in, I'm just fixing the tinkler.

Hey! Hi there, Sam.

Better make it a double.

Just don't tell me why.

- (Donald) You know what it was today? - Tuesday.

It just keeps getting worse and worse.

Yeah, it's been pretty hot.

Why does she do it to me? Why?

It's for my own good, she says.

Does she ask me? She knows I hate it.

She calls it a cultural experience, a hobby.

Why can't she have a hobby like painting eggs?

- Haemorrhoids! - She could do with sitting on a pillow.

My haemorrhoids. That's why I had to take this job standing up.

Didn't I ever tell you about my haemorrhoids?

They get really bad when it's humid, you know.

Oh, it's you.

You expecting someone from the health department maybe?

Any man would do.

I just vacuumed the chairs, don't sit down with those grimy clothes.

You'd better get ready for dinner.

Ah, the antidote!

We're having a Parisian specialty,

and you know you can't keep that waiting.

You better be here when the microwave rings.

This is it, May. Enough's enough!

It has to cook a few more minutes. I'll call you when it's time to calve.

So sit down! You waiting for it to cool off?

This really looks great, May. It really does.

It even matches the chairs.

You know, when it comes to cooking you'd make a great decorator.

It's veau cordon bleu.

Come on, you sap, it's veal. One of your favourites.

Somehow it loses something in the translation.

No use, May, I've already seen it.

Relax, I've turned the lights off.

The right kind of food deserves the right kind of atmosphere.

- Oh, oh! - Holy cow!

What kind of atmosphere is this?

When I said your food belonged in hell, I...

That's really terrific, May!

We have plenty of cocktails though, in case a bunch of people drop in.

So the match fell out of my hand. Anybody can make a mistake.

Now where were we?

Who knows, the mood might give you ideas.

I've got an idea all right. But I think it's against the law.

What are you grumbling about?

Oh, nothing dear, just talking to myself.

You're a walking contraceptive! You know that?

I can't remember the last time you were romantic with me.

I remember...

It was April 1962.

It was a Thursday afternoon. It was raining out.

Some men, you should know, still find me attractive.

How should I know them? I didn't attend the braille institute.

Why aren't you eating?

That's like asking men why they climb mountains? Because it's there.

It's delicious!

Why can't you fix something simple anymore?

I wake up in the middle of the night

dreaming about food I can eat with my hands.

You don't know anything about being a connoisseur!

You don't know how to enjoy life.

Napoleon eats better than you do!

You know, May, you're right.

Ooh mamma, you be in good hands.

What do you say, baby, you want to feel my hard hat?

- Anything else hard I can offer you? - Are you addressing yourself to me?

Hey, I'd be glad to. Where should I send myself?

Say, I've seen you around someplace before doll, n'est-ce pas ?

I don't think so, but they keep the lights so low at most parties I'm invited to.

Yeah, but I never forget a face.

Hey, I get it. I must've seen you around here someplace.

That's cool, I can dig a chick that goes for the brawny muscular type.

There's a few of us around here.

So what are you guys building here?

It's going to be a skyscraper.

You want to see it rise?

That's so interesting. You know, I've always been so fascinated

about what men can do starting with a simple two by four.

Two by four? Hey baby, mine's bigger than that.

Construction workers are so healthy and strong!

Like that one over there... Do you know him?

Yeah, nice guy!

Nice? He's beautiful.

Yeah, beautiful personality too.

Say, you want to meet him? Come on...

Hey, friend. I see you got the drift, ah?

Here...

Atta boy. Good, huh?

- (Moans) - (Makes frantic wheezing sounds)

You know, I've told you a million, billion, trillion times,

don't do that, you son-of-a-bitch.

Ooh, you know how it makes me break out in a rash.

Now I know where I've seen them... er you!

What's your friend allergic to, anyway?

I thought I was seeing things and now I'm seeing them again.

Come on and plant yourself a while, wild flower.

Well, OK. Do you think I'm a nice person?

Well, of course I do, honey child.

You don't think I make a play for every lady who comes by here, do you?

You got chemistry.

It's just that usually men are only after one thing.

Yeah, how do they choose?

What do you say, Donald? I see you're making out OK too, huh?

Come on, lady! You're only crossing the street, not the great plains!

You know, you remind me of my mother-in-law... at her funeral!

What am I in a hurry for? More of May's dog crap?

This ain't a bar. It's a goddamn cathouse, a confessional and a hotel.

Hey!

May, why don't you go sit on a thumb-tack?

Why don't you go home and tell her that?

What? Who? Where?

Oh... yeah... yeah, I think I will.

Ah, what a nice pussy.

Pussy, pussy, pussy.

I'm going to kill that idiot!

I want a baloney and cheese sandwich for dinner,

and I want it served in the garage.

Where have you been?

You got my order.

Your order? You've got your nerve!

What do you think you're doing, coming home drunk

and asking for a peasant sandwich?

I've slaved over that microwave all afternoon!

I didn't come home drunk. I've been drunk all day.