The Woman Chaser

Tell the boy to sing it again.

Thank you, sir.

And God bless you.

Stand there, Captain.

Your feet hurt.

I don't think I better sit down.

My feet are tired.

And just for a minute.

I've got a deal for you.

You don't collect more than a dollar every 5 minutes

while you make your rounds, do you?

Oh, no, sir, not nearly that much.

All right, then, keep your seat

and be company for a while

and every 5 minutes,

I'll add another dollar to your collection.

You're collecting for a worthy cause, aren't you?

Well, we aren't supposed to, uh...

I guess I could stay a few minutes.

My feet do hurt me.

Of course they do.

Bilbo!

Bucket of ice pronto.

Yo.

If it were possible,

I would offer every moment, every word,

every thought.

But my memory is too faulty for total recall.

Instead, I will show a sequence of events,

some in order, some not.

And somewhere along the way I may discover

just what it was that happened to me.

It began at the 2200 of Cahuenga Boulevard

in Hollywood.

I'd been tracking iron for over an hour.

284 cars south, 265 north every 10 minutes.

A beautiful average and a wonderful location.

It was late July, and my San Francisco wardrobe

was weighing a touch heavy on my back.

It gave me an air of prosperity.

At that moment, I was feeling prosperous.

I was about to steal a used car lot

and every car on it.

Wait a minute.

Now, don't get excited, Mr. Ealers.

My name's Richard Hudson.

My business is used cars.

I'll take all of these heaps off your hands

and buy your lease, too.

You don't want to work anyway.

Why not retire permanent, enjoy the sun at the beach

instead of squatting in some trailer

on a Cahuenga used car lot?

And what about my lease?

I said I'd take that, too.

Yeah, but you didn't mention what you'd give me for it.

That's right.

I'll give you nothing for the lease,

but I'll take over your burden

and the monthly payments.

Cost me a lot of dough here.

I'm not you.

Is it a deal or isn't it?

I'll take it.

RICHARD HUDSON, VOICE-OVER: Honest Al could have searched the world.

He wouldn't have found a better man than me

to open a lot in Los Angeles.

To me.

HUDSON, VOICE-OVER: Except for one little thing.

I was bored.

Next.

William Harris, Master Sergeant, U.S. Army, retired.

HUDSON, VOICE-OVER: I ran an ad in the "Times"

for a manager.

And it brought me an uncut jewel.

Bill had never held a civilian job of any kind.

The space provided for previous employment

was a complete blank.

Quite an impressive background, Bill.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Hudson is fine. Have a seat.

How about getting us a couple of sodas out of the machine, Bill?

Yes, sir, Mr. Hudson.

HUDSON, VOICE-OVER: Respectful independence.

What more could an employer desire?

Do you know how to run an office, Bill?

Yes, sir. I was a master sergeant for 5 years,

sergeant major for 3 years, and a first...

Ok, then, my office will be your baby.

You hire yourself a good typist.

Read these.

I'll explain the interview techniques to you later.

Now, I'll work the lot along with the other salesmen.

And when we send a man or a woman through that door,

they'll be sold on an automobile.

When we turn them over to you,

all you have to do is keep 'em that way.

There are a lot of little tricks.

Many of the buyers will be lying

because of rotten credit ratings.

Those people you will have to spot and refuse.

Think you can handle that?

Yes, sir.

Fine.

State your salary.

Well, I thought you'd do that.

No way. It's not the American way, Bill.

You're out of the army now.

The time has come for you to decide what you're worth.

If it's more than I can pay,

I'll be sorry to see you go.

HUDSON, VOICE-OVER: Now that Al's lot was purchased

and my chief man was in place, I wanted to see mother.

I should have driven up to the strip to celebrate,

but my desire for women was at an all-time low.

I knew this was natural in a period of transition

and hard work.

But I couldn't help worrying.

If a man's sex drive evaporates, what good is he?

I tried not to think about it.

I hadn't been home in some years.

But I remembered that mother was remarried

to a film director name Leo Steinberg,

and ex-boy wonder who had fallen out of favor with the studios.

You're Leo's daughter.

Come in. Come in.

I don't think daddy was expecting you.

Hi, Pop.

Where's mother?

In bed. It's after 8:00.

Sure, sure.

HUDSON, VOICE-OVER: Mother was a one-time ballerina

who spent 5 hours a day dancing in front of a mirror.

She took very good care of herself, and it showed.

In fact, I believe mother was the most beautiful woman in the world.

How do I look?

Just wonderful, Mother, wonderful.

HUDSON, VOICE-OVER: Swan-like neck, white, unblemished skin,

firm jutting breasts which had never known the touch of a brassier.

Leo was a fortunate man, all right.

What brings my baby to Los Angeles?

Did they run you out of San Francisco?

Where are you staying?

I'm down here for good.

Starting a new division for Honest Al.

Right now I'm staying at the Bahia Lodge,

but I'm gonna get an apartment as soon as I can find one.

Why don't you stay with us, Angel pants?

I don't know, mother.

I'm used to having my own place.

How about the servants' quarters above the garage?

Hasn't been live-in help for ages.

It would be fine for you.

Could have it redecorated, I suppose.

Ok, mother.

You got yourself a tenant.

Good.

It's nice to have you home again.

HUDSON, VOICE-OVER: The following week it was August,

and with the heat came a dozen hard-ridden repos

from Al's main lot in San Francisco.

Lift the phone, cool one,

and call a costume company.

Any company in particular?

One that sells Santa Claus suits complete with beards.

What size?

The size worn by Evans, Cartwell, and Jodi boy,

our 3 star salesmen.

You shouldn't do it, chief.

It's the middle of August.

Those guys will melt out there.

It's the first day of August,

and they'll wear those suits

every damn day 'til I tell them to take them off!

What's more unusual than Santa Claus

selling used cars in August?

You got me for the moment.

Nothing!

Honest Al is now Santa Claus

in the middle of summer

bringing the good people of the City of Angels

goodies in the form of repos, your repos.

Now get those suits, get our buddy boys into them.

I want you to take out a half page in the "Times,"

right some decent copy for a change.

I don't want those cars on the lot by Saturday!

Yes, sir.

Oh, and, uh, by the way, cold one,

you will inform our white-bearded salesmen

that the Santa Claus suits were your idea.

HUDSON, VOICE-OVER: Despite the progress of the lot,

I was always glad in the evenings.

Almost every night Leo and I would go to the movies.

It didn't matter what we saw:

Melodramas, westerns, slave spectaculars.

We were fans.

Thank you, Richard.

And I was glad to take Leo as my guest.

This is all wrong.

We were a family after all.