New Girl

- Hey, Nick? - Shh, I'm reading.

- Can you just give me a second? - What do you want this time?!

So, I'm... I'm pitching on the sponge account today.

It's kind of a... it's kind of a big deal.

I'm just wondering why my idea notebook is covered in crimson stains.

Oh, that's a fair question.

It's either Sloppy Joes, or it's blood.

You unbelievable pig person!

You giant, fat pig person! You sloth.

You should be living in a tree in Costa Rica, you know that?

Hi, guys. Um, have either of you seen the French press?

The French press is in cupboard 64B. Did you not consult your item map?

No, I looked there. The Tagine's in 64B.

What is the Tagine doing in 64 frickin' B?!

I used the French press.

Everybody chill out. So it's in here somewhere.

Nick, you know you're not allowed to use the French press.

I use it to get the pulp out of my juice.

So just give me one second, I'll find it.

Hold on. Oh, yeah.

I wasn't looking for it, but I found my pulp bowl.

That is a crystal candy bowl filled with orange goop.

I don't need to sit here and take this! I'm going to my study.

You are gonna get back here and clean your room, mister!

- Guys, I still need the French press. - Winston, I need my study corner!

No, not after last time.

Hey, Winnie! You know there's an Albany in California?

Well, hello, Winston Bishop.

I towel-burned my unders.

Well, I just prairie-dogged thanks to you guys.

Stop fighting! Now the bathroom stinks for no reason.

You happy, Schmidt? You just scared Coach's poop!

No, I'm not happy. I'm poor, and I'm living in a filthy thimble.

I've gone from riches to rags. It's reverse Annie.

Oh, spoiler alert. Now you just ruined Annie.

Guys, chill out!

Schmidt, your people have been selling sponges

since the days of Abraham. You got this.

Nick, the pulp bowl is real gross. Tighten up.

Most importantly, my dad is coming with his new girlfriend,

and I need the French press.

- Oh, 64B. The Tagine is in 64B. - 64B is occupied!

Uh, he said the Tagine is in 64B.

It stinks in there! What did you do?!

You kill an animal?!

How long before you unleash holy hell on your dad's new girlfriend?

I want to make sure I got a good seat and plenty of snacks.

Okay, Cecilia, look, I know I've been a little bit hard

on my dad's girlfriends in the past...

I know you stole my dad's credit card, Margot.

Hit the damn road.

I don't have a car.

Find one.

I was the one who had to pick up the pieces when his heart got broken.

Besides, to hear my dad talk,

it sounds like he has really found someone who...

is good for him.

Ha!

And you believe that?

Your dad has terrible taste in women.

That's why I love him so much.

Remember the one who pretended to be a paraplegic?

- Get up! - I can't!

Oh, whatever.

That's the last one I met, and I'm lucky he's letting me meet this one.

So, what? You're just gonna be nice to her? No fireworks? No show?

I'm gonna be nice to her no matter who she is.

Then what the hell am I doing here?

Oh.

- Hey, sweetie. Hi. Hi. - Hi, Daddy.

Gee, I'm sorry we're late,

you know, but we saw Seal at the airport.

We talked to him for 20 minutes, got his autograph.

- Wasn't him. - No.

- Anyway, this is Ashley. - Hi.

I think, um, we went to high school... together.

- You went to high school together! - We went to high school together!

Julie Berkman's older sister Ashley?

That's me.

Is this fun or what?

Oh, my God!

Your dad is dating Trashley Berkman?

- Didn't she...? - Yes. She sexually intercoursed

my high school boyfriend George Jiang underneath the bleachers.

- While you were sitting... - Yes! While I was sitting on those bleachers.

Have you ever seen sex from above, Cece?

It's horrible. That's why God thinks it's a sin.

Also, Trashley gave him giardia in his belly ring.

Giardia is a river disease. She had river mouth.

Wasn't George Jiang, like, six-11?

Yeah. They called him George Jiang the Giardia Giant,

and I never got to hold him in my arms.

What are you gonna do?!

Uh...

Uh... nothing.

I'm gonna be sweet and kind and supportive.

Look, peop-peop... people change.

People change. It's been 15 years.

- She had sex with our DARE officer! - No way.

There were rumors flying around about every damn one.

- You remember the rumor about me? What? - Oh, that you shaved your chin?

Was that was the rumor about me?

- That was the rumor. - No. It was...

definitely sexier than that.

Thank you guys for coming. It's really helpful that you're here.

I'm trying to get my boss to give me the new account.

I just have to figure out how to sell sponges to men.

What do I have? I have a blood-stained idea notebook

filled with terrible ideas.

I don't know what to do, you guys. Damn it!

"Spongey make wipey." I like that.

Okay, please. I don't have a lot of time.

This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna say the word "sponge",

and you guys are gonna say the first word that pops

into your head, okay? Ready, one, two, three. Sponge.

- Sponge! - Yellow.

- Sponge. - That was mine.

Okay, let's just try this. We're gonna try this one more time.

Okay? Just clear your head, okay?

So I'm gonna say the word, and you're gonna say

the first word that pops in your head.

Okay, it might be "sponge." Don't say "sponge."

- Sponge! - Sponge.

Damn it! Focus!

I'm sorry. Okay, let's just try it again.

Give me a shot. Give me a shot. Give me a shot.

I'm gonna say "sponge" one more time, first word

that pops into your head. Ready? One, two, three, sponge.

Sponge. Aah!

- Winston! - Sorry. So much pressure, man.

Okay, you know what? Let's move on to Coach.

Coach, here we go. You're the man of the group.

You should be good at this. We're selling sponges to men.

Ready, one, two, three, sponge.

- Sponge. - Why would you say that?

- Okay, okay, okay. - Okay, come on, come on. Sponge.

- Cake. - What?

- Cake. No! - Sponge cake.

We all know that men are idiots.

How long have you been in my office?

But what we don't know is how much they love to clean.

You're wasting my time, Schmidt. Go.

Come on, Gina, you have to give me this account.

They want to market sponges to men. I'm the only man in the office.

Oh, speaking of. Sherri, you got the sponge account!

Touchdown! Yeah.

Just hear me out here.

The reason why men don't talk about how much they love to clean is

because they're afraid to admit it.

Give me a chance here. Be the one to put Schmidt on the map.

Let's blast America right in the face with a little bit of Schmidt.

Oh! God in heaven! Fine!

- Put together a focus group, okay? - I will do that. This is exciting.

- All right. Maybe next week we'll start it? - No. Today, 3:00.

Today... today at 3:00?

Today at 3:00?

3:00 today... that sounds great.

I love that idea.

Mm-hmm, you just... you just earned a special thank you

in my autobiography.

Working title: Punting the Sweet Fantastic.

I feel like you kind of have to do something to write a book about yourself.

Sports!

Oh, it's just so great to see you guys again.

Will you please remind me?

Were you there my first senior year or my second?

I was not good at high school.

Oh, the early 2000s.

God, I did so much E.

Just doing E, watching that show Ed.

I would love to know how you two lovers met.

- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, sure. - Okay, so I was listening

- to him sing with his band, The Co-Pays. - Yeah, well...

- I didn't know you were in a band, Dad. - Yeah, just... just me

and a few other pharmacists.

You know, we do alt rock covers.

Oh, man, when he started singing "She's So High"...

Stop. Because I'm gonna fall in love again.

Oh.

Oh, man. That was it. I was done.

Ashley, have you kept in touch with our DARE officer?

- Oh! Cece. - Oh. Okay, I... I get it.

You guys heard about that rumor that I had sex with the DARE officer?

- No! Only a crazy person... - That rumor was true.

- Crazy fun person. - Oh, yeah, that guy.

- Wow, I did not just say no. I said yes. - Oh, yeah.

- I just said, "Yes, yes, yes." - Oh, she said yes a lot.

She's had sex with hundreds of guys.

- Yeah. - You know, we spent some time trying

- to total them all up. - It was fun.

- Killed a whole Saturday. Yeah. - We couldn't even get through the list.

We got to the "Ls."

But that was in the past.

And then I was diagnosed with a sex addiction.

- Oh, great. - Thankfully,

I attended rehab.

Which... did not take the first time.

Or the second.

But third time's the charm.

For a lot of people. Not for me.