The Grand Tour

*THE GRAND TOUR* Season 03 Episode 08 Title: "International Buffoons’ Vacation"

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, everyone.

Now, welcome to what is a Grand Tour special,

in which we go on vacation.

Yep. Let me explain.

The other day we were wondering

why some people who want to visit the western bit of America,

choose to do so on an RV touring holiday.

It is very popular. I mean, we all have friends who have done it.

And they say they had a good time.

Sounds like caravanning to us, though.

- And you couldn't enjoy that... - (LAUGHTER)

unless you were mental. However,

Mr Wilman says that since this is a motoring,

and travel and adventure show

he would rent us an RV.

And then we could go over there

to see if we could find out what the appeal is.

This was the location he chose.

And this was the Winnebago Chieftain that he rented for us.

And it was very terrible in every way.

Chaps, if you'd like to brace,

I'm gonna put my foot down, see what she'll do. Happy?

- Yeah. - Yeah. - Here we go.

40.

43.

That's flat-out.

This slowness put Hammond and me in a bad mood.

You're just helping yourself to cards. I...

I thought that was the idea. Gotta find all the cards...

I have to have a turn as well.

Well, that'll take ages.

Don't make my holiday worse than it already is.

- It is pretty bad in here, isn't it?

It's worse than I thought it would be.

Who decided, "Yes, that wallpaper makes it look like home"?

This material existed...

in the late-1960s in South Yorkshire.

It's called pleblon that we're sitting on.

And this - this is vulgalure.

RV design, as far as I can tell,

stopped in 1972.

Yes.

It's a different design language

and the language is: Shit.

But all of this doesn't trouble me

half as much as that.

We're here for a week.

At no point will we be more than 12 feet

from where the turds are stored.

His turds.

Look at this.

That's the lavatory door.

Look at it. This is unacceptable.

What separates us from the animals

is reason and defecating in private.

You go somewhere comfortable, read a newspaper, do your business.

You can't do that in there.

- What is that shocking racket?

Everything.

Everything rattles because it's full of crap.

I'm not... I can't... I can't do a week in here.

After just five miles we'd had enough.

And pulled over for a cup of American coffee.

Right. Recipe's very simple. Take a coffee bean and razor blade.

Chop just the end off. Lovely.

Let's check the...

Lukewarm? Yeah.

Pop it in.

Mix it up till the water is

just slightly coloured.

- Perfect. - So in conclusion, then,

there is no appeal to an RV holiday, is there?

This whole experience wouldn't be so bad

if we somehow could modify it, so it's better to live in.

Well, only if we could have one each.

Well, why don't we do that?

Get one each? Yeah, why don't we just get one each?

And then modify it to suit our particular requirements.

We don't have to have all of this offensive...

We can do what we want.

We therefore abandoned Mr Wilman's RV

and went off to buy our own.

Which we then personalised to suit our individual holiday needs.

This is what I've gone for.

It's the Ford F550 National Tropical.

And... it's 36 feet long.

Why so massive?

I wanted to modify it in such a way

that I brought a small taste of home with me.

- Can you guess what it is? Er...

- Brown furniture. - A tea cosy.

- A rusty motorcycle. - No.

- Follow me. - What?

Holy moly!

Whoa-ho!

Yes, welcome to the Rack and Pinion. What will it be?

I'm in a pub. I'm staggered.

It's got peanuts on the wall, terrible pictures.

- Yes. - This is fabulous. (LAUGHS)

- I know. - Warm brown beer.

Yep. Would you like a glass of Lady Petrol?

- Is that rosé? Lady Petrol? - Yes.

I've equipped it with your favourite drinks.

- What's that? - That's for you.

Brummie's Ruin.

It's gin. \- It's gin.

Have you remembered to ensure there're sufficient

urine traces in the peanuts?

Yes, I urinated on them myself.

Can I just ask: why have you got a drawing of three stroke victims on the wall?

That's us.

- Er... - What?

- Dartboard. - Yes, it's a pub.

Darts is a fine game and helped England win a lot of wars.

Darts is for people who have no conversation.

- Rubbish! - Who wants to go to the pub and do maths?

It's no good telling me what you want your pub to be like.

- I don't want my pub... - This is my pub. This is what it's like.

This is a traditional pub.

- This is what they look like. - This is great. It works.

We're already talking pub bollocks.

James, it's my job to ridicule you, obviously.

But I can't. Because, apart from the dartboard, you've done an incredible job.

- Thank you. - But it isn't quite as incredible

as the job I've done.

Whoa! I've gone, as you can see, for a nautical theme.

- In the desert. - Yes, bear with me.

Two-tone paintwork, obviously.

Jet ski on the back, and then, up on the top,

and this really is the pièce de résistance, the flying bridge.

- What, so you can drive it from outside? - Why would you not do that?

- Because you built it. - I hate jet skis, by the way.

I know, but I... You told me my hatred of darts is irrelevant.

- You kept mentioning it. - It does look nautical.

- Shoes off. Shoes off. What?

- Shoes off. - Why?

- It's a boat. - Oh, I hate that!

I can afford £2 million on a boat,

but not a new bit of carpet if it gets some dust on it off my shoes.

- It's a bit Surrey. - Off.

- Oh, God. - Right, good.

Right, boots are off. Whoa!

- What? - Is this all bathroom?

Yes, obviously. Or lavatory.

Shower here, tiled, as you can see.

Tasteful.

Sink unit, vanity mirror, restrained.

And... just pop this open like so.

- Wow. - Lower the flap,

which means that in the morning...

I can... sit down

and I can... well, I can see the pub.

As we know, luxury is defined by light and space.

Hm? - So this is a luxurious bog.

Correct. - And also, look.

This is not some camping lavatory where you defecate on a piece of plastic.

Observe.

Oh, it's a proper thing.

Well, how, where does... where does that go?

- Underneath the RV. - What, to, like, a tank or something?

No, underneath the RV.

What, you're going to drive off in your bathroom

- leaving behind a mound of turds? - Yes.

- Where are you gonna sleep? - Here.

This is the exact same width as my forearm.

Oh, yes.

It's more of a cupboard, really, isn't it?

The roof, however, was a different story.

- Whoa! Oh, I say.

Well, this is wasted space normally, isn't it?

Exactly. It's pretty good this, Hammond.

- But hang on a minute. - What?

This is... This is very impressive.

- It's very... - Aargh! Ha-ha, ha ha-ha!

- (LAUGHTER) - Oh, yes!

- Ha, ha-ha! - Oh, ho.

- So that's something to look forward to. - Aargh!

Yeah, don't let skin touch anything.

Right, so assuming you were able to sit in the scaldingly hot seat.

- Yes. - Under the blazing sun.

- Yes. - How does it work?

Have you got brakes and accelerator and...

Accelerating.

- Braking. - Right.

- Gears. - Oh, so it really is a boat.

Yeah. Look, the way I see it is this, gentlemen.

Almost no one would want to go on holiday in a 36-foot caravan,

but everybody would bite your arm off

to go on holiday in a 36-foot gin palace.

- They're not really that different. - No, they're not.

It's just one floats on water and one goes on land.

- Right, Hammond. - Yes.

- Where's yours? - Over there.

- What, behind the lorry? - No, it is the lorry. That's it.

That's not an RV.

It is. Look, it's big, I can sleep on it and it's got a bike on the back.

- That's a recreational vehicle right there. - This we have got to see.