Not Another Sci-Fi Movie

Rodney: A BIG SHOUT-OUT TO ALL YOU HEADBANGERS OUT THERE.

THAT WAS METALION

WITH THEIR NEW HIT SINGLE, "EMOTIONS, YEAH."

OKAY.

BUT FIRST, WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST,

AND HER NAME IS LENA.

SAYS HERE YOU ARE A...NOTHOLOGIST.

UH, WHAT IS A NOTHOLOGIST?

Lena: OH, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION, RODGER.

R-RODNEY. RODNEY.

OKAY. ACTUALLY, I AM WHAT YOU SAY.

AND A NOTHOLOGIST, LIKE ME,

IS SOMEONE WHO STUDIES THE PHENOMENON OF NOTHING.

THE PHENOMENON OF NOTHING?

WOW. ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

ACTUALLY, RODGER, IT'SNOTHING.

LENA, YOU HAVE ESSENTIALLY DEDICATED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE

TO NOTHING.

YES. THAT WOULD BE CORRECT.

THIS FIELD OF STUDY DEALS DIRECTLY

WITH THE CORE COMPONENTS OF HUMAN LOGIC.

IT'S THE INTENSE PROCESS

OF MAKING YOURSELF ONE WITH NOTHING.

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS,

THEN YOU HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN.

RIGHT.

Rodney: SO, LENA, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I NEEDED

TO JUST GET AWAY THIS WEEKEND.

THANKS FOR ARRANGING THIS, BRAD.

IT'S GREAT THAT YOUR MOM'S GONE FOR THE WEEK.

WELL, EVER SINCE MY STEPBROTHER DIED

IN THAT ACCIDENT WITH THE INSERT CAR ON THE INDEPENDENT FILM,

MY MOM DOESN'T REALLY HANG AROUND THE HOUSE THAT OFTEN.

[ HORN HONKS, TIRES SCREECH, THUD ]

UH, SO, HOW'S THE, UH, SEATTLE COMMUNICATIONS MAJOR THING

GOING?

WELL, IT'S COMING ALONG.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED UP AGAIN IN THE SPRING.

YOU KNOW, IF IT WASN'T FOR MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS,

I WOULD JUST LEAVE THIS PLACE FOREVER.

Adrian: THIS PLACE IS JUST THE DAMN PITS.

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

I THINK IT'S LOVELY THIS TIME OF YEAR.

YES, WELL I DON'T UNDERSTAND

HOW YOU COULD LIVE IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

YOU SHOULD GET OUT MORE.

WHEN WILL BRAD AND RACHAEL GET BACK?

THEY'VE BEEN GONE SUCH A LONG TIME.

I HOPE THEY BROUGHT ME SOME ANISETTE.

I HOPE THEY DIDN'T.

SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU, JESSICA?

SEEMS THAT PERHAPS I SAID SOMETHING.

WHEN IS IT NOT SOMETHING YOU SAID, ADRIAN?

WELL, IT SEEMS TO ME

THAT PERHAPS SOMETHING ELSE MAY BE BOTHERING YOU.

IT'S JUST...

IT'S JUST BRAD.

BRAD?

Rachael: JUST CURIOUS HERE, BUT WHEN ARE YOU GONNA TELL JESSICA

THAT LITTLE SECRET YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING FROM HER?

Brad: I DON'T KNOW.

I-I DON'T THINK SHE'S READY TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? SHE'LL NEVER BE READY.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO BE A BIG BOY AND TELL HER.

I-I KNOW. I KNOW. YOU'RE RIGHT.

BUT...IT'S JUST SHE'S BEEN REALLY STRESSED OUT ALREADY

WITH THIS FOREIGN-EXCHANGE STUDENT FROM FRANCE.

AND BESIDES, THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TELL YOU.

WHAT IS THAT?

UM...NEVER MIND.

Jessica: ADRIAN, DON'T YOU SEE?

I LOVE BRAD.

YOU LOVE HIM?

ADRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SORRY.

WELL, WHY BRAD?

DOES HE EVEN KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM?

NO.

AND I'M AFRAID HE HAS FEELINGS FOR RACHAEL.

UH, WELL, UM... THIS MAY NOT BE THE RIGHT TIME,

BUT...I THINK YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

WOULD YOU EVER, UH, CONSIDER ME IN THAT WAY?

LIKE I SAID, YOU CAN COME AND LIVE WITH ME IN PARIS.

I DON'T THINK SO, ADRIAN.

YEAH, IT'S MILLER.

YEAH.

NO.

NO, IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME FOR ME AT ALL.

NO, I CAN'T HANDLE THAT.

WHAT?

OH.

OH. OH, OKAY.

WELL, THAT'S -- NO, THAT'S NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

THAT'S FINE. YEAH, SURE.

AGENT MILLER... HAVE A SEAT.

AS I MENTIONED, THE FBI JUST RECEIVED THESE PHOTOS,

WHICH WERE TRANSMITTED FROM THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION

RIGHT BEFORE A RUSSIAN COSMONAUT

ACCIDENTALLY BLEW THE WHOLE THING TO SMITHEREENS.

HOW DID HE DO THAT?

IT APPEARS WHEN ATTEMPTING

TO HEAT SEVERAL FREEZE-DRIED POCKET BURRITOS,

THE COSMONAUT MISTAKENLY SET THE MICROWAVE

FOR THREE HOURS INSTEAD OF THREE MINUTES.

THIS, IN TURN, CAUSED A MASSIVE, CATACLYSMIC EXPLOSION

CONSISTING OF PLASTIC, MOLTEN BURRITO INGREDIENTS,

WHICH INSTANTANEOUSLY DESTROYED THE SPACE STATION.

DAMN!

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE,

THE CIA, NIA, GSC, EPA, NRA, FCC, NASA, AND THE FBI

ARE NOW REPORTING EVIDENCE OF RADIOACTIVE PARTICLES

SPEWING ACROSS THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE.

BUT AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THESE PHOTOS

THAT WERE TRANSMITTED FROM THE SPACE STATION

BEFORE IT WAS ABSOLUTELY ANNIHILATED,

THERE IS SOMETHING OF EVEN GREATER CONCERN FOR THE FBI.

WAIT, JESSICA.

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT IS WHAT?

SOMETHING'S HAPPENING.

I DOUBT IT. NOTHING EVER HAPPENS HERE.

BUT BALDING, THESE PHOTOS -- THERE'S NOTHING ON THEM.

THEY'RE JUST BLACK.

THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, AGENT MILLER.

IF YOU WERE TO ROTATE THE IMAGE 180 DEGREES,

REMOVE SOME DUST FROM THE LENS,

THEN DELETE THE SMALL POCKET OF SPACE GAS,

AND ZOOM IN 900% ON THE XG9 NEBULA,

YOU WILL SEE A GREENISH-WHITE BALL OF LIGHT

ON A COLLISION COURSE WITH EARTH.

Rachael: SO, WHAT IS IT?

Brad: WELL...

SO, ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME OR WHAT?

I'VE BEEN HAVING THESE FEELINGS, RACHAEL, AND --

WHAT?

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH THIS THING?

WHY IS THE CAR OFF?

IT JUST TURNED OFF!

BRAD, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW, RACHAEL.

WHAT WAS THAT?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

AAH!

Assistant Director Balding, your mother on line 12.

YES. YES.

NO, MOTHER!

YES, YES, I UNDERSTAND.

THE HEAD OF NASA JUST REPORTED

THAT THIS INDISCERNIBLE BALL OF INDESCRIBABLE INTRIGUE

JUST IMPACTED NEAR A SMALL NORTHERN-CALIFORNIA TOWN

CALLED CROWS END.

YOU AND STYLES WILL HAVE TO PROBE THE CROWS END.

THAT'S CORRECT.

YOU MUST DO THIS VERY THOROUGHLY, AGENT MILLER.

AS I WAS ABOUT TO SAY, MILLER,

YOU WILL HAVE TO PROBE THE CROWS END COUNTY RESIDENCE

FOR ANY INFORMATION,

CONDUCT AN ASSESSMENT, AND LIE TO THEM ABOUT THEIR SAFETY.

ONE MORE THING.

WITH THE CURRENT BUDGET RESTRICTIONS,

PLEASE BE CONSCIOUS OF YOUR EXPENDITURES

DURING THIS ASSIGNMENT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I HAVE YOUR MILK AND CREAM CHAI TEA,

EXTRA FOAM, NO ICE, SEVEN-PUMP CARAMEL CHOCOLATTO.

DID YOU SAY SEVEN PUMPS, STYLES?

YEAH.

GAH!

DAMN!

WHAT? WHAT IS IT, MILLER?

I SAID EIGHT PUMPS, NOT SEVEN, STYLES.

NOW, YOU FLY BACK,

AND THIS TIME, YOU MAKE IT RIGHT.

BUT MILLER, IT'S A NINE-HOUR FLIGHT.

BUT NOTHING, STYLES. I NEED THAT EIGHTH PUMP.

ONE PUMP FROM PERFECTION...

JUST WON'T DO.

NOW GO.

MAKE IT RIGHT.

YEAH.

Just a quick reminder --

I hope you're keeping your expenses down.

Can't afford another mishap like the last time.

RIGHT, YEAH. WE'RE FINE.

I'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL HERE.

Rachael: WHAT WAS THAT?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

IT LOOKED LIKE A JET OR, UH, THE RUSSIANS.

MAYBE THEY LOST ANOTHER SATELLITE.

NO, BRAD, THAT HAD TO BE A UFO.

OH.

HEY, ADRIAN.

UFO? ALIENS?

YES, I MEAN, HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THINGS

LIKE MOUNTAIN-GOAT CLONING FARMS IN SAN TUBARU, MEXICO,

OR -- OR THE TWO-EYED BEAVER

THEY FOUND LIVING IN LAKE CAMBORIA?

WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT A TWO-EYED BEAVER?

WELL, BRAD, BEAVERS USUALLY LIVE IN RIVERS,