Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation

- That's a little scary. - Stop trying to wind me up.

I think you have a real hang-up with the term "stalker".

No, I just fail to see how you showing up at my museum

every day for, like, two weeks makes me the stalker,

when, clearly, it makes you the stalker.

The most important thing to remember here... Hand, please.

These past two months

have really truly been the happiest two months of your life.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

- There you go. - Wait. Excuse me.

Son of a bitch.

I tell him no olives and he brings olives, and that's a problem because...

- You hate olives. - I hate olives. I hate olives.

Don't move. I'm on it.

There.

Crisis averted.

You know, usually, I would be

completely disgusted with someone sticking their fingers into my drink,

but with you, not so much. In fact, it...

it adds a certain Melinda zestiness to it.

Well, we make a good team.

Yes, we do.

Well, I am going to go powder my nose.

Do me a favour? If the waiter comes back, make sure there are no olives in my cake.

I like that.

Spence. Spence.

- All right, man. It's time. - Time for what?

Time for me to get engaged. You were gonna put this in her sundae.

Yeah. Right.

Nice rock.

Thanks.

Oh, boy.

Sorry. It was packed. I just had to fight for a mirror.

Here we are. A sundae for the gentleman,

and chocolate cake for the lady.

Actually, I think that she had the sundae and I had the cake.

OK. Got it.

So, Mel,

I'm glad you stalked me because...

I never met anyone like you before, and I...

I know that we've only been dating a little while,

but I just feel like I have known you

my... my whole...

my whole life. Are you chewing that?

My God.

Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus!

Calvin.

I knew you'd do it.

Excuse me one second. I just wanna take that... Just a little quick search for...

- All right. Be right back. - I'm calling Mama.

Hi. Hi. I'm sorry. I think there's been a mistake.

Mama. I'm getting married, Mama.

Ma'am? Ma'am? Pardon me. Ma'am. Ma'am, that's my ring.

Hang on, Mama.

- May I help you? - Yes.

I'm so sorry, but I think the waiter mistakenly brought you the wrong sundae.

See, that's my grandmother's ring.

I think you better go sit over there

before my fiance here

whups your ass.

OK. How about I buy both of your dinners?

Good? Yes. Except, I'm gonna need that back though, so...

OK, baby. Whup his ass.

Baby, the thing is...

The thing is, I haven't waited 17 years on your sorry ass

to let this white shadow come and spoil my engagement.

It's either you whup his ass, Calvin,

or I whup yours.

Yeah.

You need to go now.

- Right. OK. - Mama. Yes.

How about...

Thief! Help!

Give me my ring. Give me my ring.

Well,

this wasn't exactly what I had planned.

Look, I know we haven't been together long,

but you know when something just feels right and you don't want that feeling to end?

OK, Romeo. Save it for your cellmate.

Whoa, Clancy, give the kid a minute.

- Thank you. - No problem.

Long story short, I love you.

I love you.

Will...

will you...

will you marry me?

Yes, I will marry you.

OK. Congrats and all that.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you...

I'm gonna go now.

Dude, are you fucking with me?

"Congratulations" might be appropriate here, Derek.

You've dated for two months. I've had this cold sore longer than that.

This, coming from a guy who's been married three times?

Have you learned nothing from me, man? I am a cautionary tale.

I am Jesus. I have suffered for your sins.

Please let that be a fart.

Yeah, baby. Suck it, losers.

OK. That was definitely not a fart.

You know, I think that bee-yatch is feeding this thing Indian food just to screw with me.

Yeah, you did a poop. Yeah.

Any of you need changing?

Hey, where's... where's Seth? He's up.

He's looking for a ball. He didn't have time to stop at home and get his.

How hard is it to find a ball?

Sorry, fellas. I'm on the DL tonight.

I don't think there's a disabled list for bowling, buddy.

Ron, how can you abandon me with these two losers?

I'm not. Just cos I'm getting married, doesn't mean I'm not gonna be here for bowling night

or fishing weekend or Jason's biannual pornapalooza.

- You know, nothing's gonna change. - Yeah.

Well, that's what I thought. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to get little shit-machine back to his gold-digging whore of a mother.

Hey, don't forget your ball.

I was talking with the mayor,

and I put a bug in his ear about having the reception at the opera house.

You know, Mom, we were thinking of having a small, simple wedding.

Honestly, Melinda, we're not Amish.

I'll get it.

My little sister's engaged.

- Hi, beautiful. - Hi, Todd.

Sorry, can't hear.

He's always working.

Let me ask you something. Is it wrong to want to tap sister-in-law's ass? Right?

I gotta go-

- Honey. Remember when we got engaged? - How could I forget?

Let's go on a second honeymoon. Someplace romantic, maybe make a baby.

Hey, there's your dad.

Abe. Did you hear the one about the horny jockey and the stable boy?

No, but I think I like it already.

Hey, guys.

Speak English. English. Look, go watch some TV, huh?

- They're so cute. - Sorry about that.

They're from the second marriage.

The ex only lets 'em speak to me in Mandarin, the hairy ass-crack.

- Yeah. - Anyways, congratulations.

Thank you.

Sure. Yeah.

OK.

- How's my baby? - My mother's killing me with wedding crap.

- I don't think I can take another year of this. - Well, we could just elope, of course.

Then she'd kill both of us.

What are you doing?

You.

- Baby, we're in the pantry. - That's a good point.

What are you doing? My God.

Sex elevator

You are so stupid.

Hey, would it kill you to buy some groceries, man?

If the Mystics had covered the spread, I could.

The Mystics? You're betting on the WNBA?

Well, hello.

Hi. I'm Judith. I work with Mel.

Hey, Judith. I'm Jason.

I'm Ron's best friend, since childhood. Yeah.

And this is Seth, his college roommate,

and that's Derek, used to be his boss.

Are you all in finance?

Actually, I'm in consumer products testing.

- Derek, do you still work with Ron? - No, I left that company a while back.

But I'm still in finance, you know.

I'm telling you, she had a pine-tree air freshener in her underpants. Gotta go.

- And what do you do? - I am in the advertising game.

- Yeah. - Advertising? That sounds exciting.

It is. Yeah, it is.

You know, Judith, you're a friend of Mel's and I'm a friend of Ron's,

so I'm thinking we should get together.

You know, maybe grab a pizza, fuck?

No?

You don't like pizza?

Seriously, who doesn't like pizza?

All right, everyone. Everyone.

I don't know how to say this, but

Mel and I could not come to an agreement on wedding colours, so we are breaking up.

I'm very sorry. Everyone drive safe.

Yes. Welcome back, buddy.

He was kidding.

- Sorry, Mel. - It's OK.

Anyway, two short months ago,

I wandered into the Cleveland Museum of Modern Alt. I was, of course, lost,

but then I laid eyes on the best exhibit in the whole joint,

Mel.

Now, I know that two months is an awfully short time to get engaged,

but, to be honest with you, I was ready to propose on that first day.

So, needless to say, when Mel proposed, I said yes.

I didn't want her to change her mind, so we set a date. On May 31, one month from today,

you are all invited to our open bar, which will also feature our wedding, but, you know...

All right, let's get drunk.

Hey, Derek, why is your kid dropping a deuce in that plant?

Jesus, stop it.

Abe, I was taking a look at the numbers. I think we've got some dead weight.

Look. Take a look at this.

- Hey, fellas. - Ron, come in.

- Abe, you're a whisky man. Is that right? - Absolutely.

- All right. I got something here for you. - What have we got here?

That's nice. What is this?

Jameson's 30-year private reserve.

I'm half Irish, so I support the motherland. I brought you a bottle.

You're Irish? My mother's from Galway.

It's gonna be great to get some more Irish blood in the family.