Melissa & Joey

"melissa & joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

- Joey: Spots! - Woman: Um, freckles!

- Dots! - Measles!

- Acne! Swiss cheese! - Swiss cheese with acne!

Mel, honey, have you lost complete control of that arm or what?

- ( alarm rings ) - ah! Time's up.

- What the hell was that? - A thousand points of light!

A thousand points--

Nate, would you have ever have guessed that?

I wouldn't guess it now.

- Come on. Gillian? - Mel, I feel close enough to you now

That I can say this:

That was the worst clue ever.

Hey, you didn't see her charade for "50 shades of grey."

- Mm-hmm. - Mmm.

- You got it, didn't you? - Yeah, but it scarred me.

It's getting late. We should head home.

Buster needs to get walked and if we're late,

He expresses his disapproval in urine.

How about that? Mel's the same way.

we'll get you leftovers, guys.

I think for our first couples date, it was off-the-charts good.

- I think they like us. - Yeah, let's ask 'em

If they wanna go out with us again.

Are you kidding? The worst thing you could do

On a first date is seem desperate.

Oh, but I really want them to be our friends!

Mel, we've gone out with other couples before.

Yeah, but we've never made it to a second date.

This thing you and I have is fun, but it's gonna wear off.

We're gonna need other people.

To...

To talk to, right?

Yes, to talk to.

All right. Hey, how about this?

I start training nate on Thursday.

I'll ask him if he and gillian

Wanna go out with us again in between squats.

But for now, let's just tell them that we enjoyed the evening and hang back.

Trust me, I know how couples work.

- They love the chase. - ( scoffs )

Whatever you say.

A phrase I'm becoming very familiar with.

- Here's your leftovers. - Thanks, guys. We had a great time.

- Yeah. - We were thinking the four of us

Should get together next week for dinner.

Yes! Great! Done!

Way to hang back.

- Okay, great. We'll make a plan later. - Okay.

Come on, gillian, think of buster...

- And his vengeful bladder. - ( mouths )

- Bye, guys. - ( door closes )

they asked us out! 'cause we're awesome!

And you know what clinched it?

My story about shopping for melons without a bra.

- Never gets old, honey. - Nope.

You know what this puts me in the mood for?

- Sexy time? - Sexy time.

Ooh!

- What are you doing? - Well, just 'cause it's sexy time,

Doesn't mean that it also has to be messy time.

Well, then I'm gonna get started without ya.

Win win!

Good good good. Now I want you to visualize this extension, okay?

'cause the body follows the mind.

That's too much thinking for me.

Just give me 10 more reps then.

You know, nate,

Mel and I are really looking forward to dinner next week with you guys.

You know what restaurant I think we should go to?

Wait a minute, I'm sorry.

I have a girlfriend now.

I can't pick restaurants anymore.

I can still choose the day, though.

How does-- how does Friday night work for you guys?

- Oh. Friday's bad. - Oh, all right.

- What about Saturday? - Saturday's no good.

Oh, I see. I get it.

All right, you and gillian talked

And decided that one of us was... Blech!

- ( chuckles ) mel grows on you. - ( breathing hard )

No no no, I love mel. I just--

I don't...

Think I love my wife anymore.

- You know what I'm saying? - No.

I mean, I love gillian. I'm just not in love with her.

- The fire's gone. - You're married.

It's supposed to be gone.

But out in the world, there's so much possibility.

Like there's this one barista near our house, alana.

- Oh my god. - We kinda have this flirting thing going on.

After I tell her what coffee I'd like,

She always says...

"anything else?"

Next thing you know, she'll be saying things like,

"here's your change."

I'm telling you, man, she wants me.

I don't get it. I don't get it.

You and gillian seemed so good the other night.

Yeah, "seemed," but...

It's over.

When the moment's right, I'm gonna let her down gently.

Well, that's nice. Yeah, you're gonna dump your wife gently.

I'm sorry, man. I had to get it off my chest.

Please don't say anything about this to anybody.

I won't. I can keep a secret.

I'm like a vault. You know, I'm smooth,

I'm sleek, made of steel.

In that case, lemme tell you about this new paralegal at work.

Yeah, vault's full.

Oh god! Zander, what are you doing here, man?

I thought you were supposed to be in vermont.

I am supposed to be in vermont, but I'm not.

Can we talk inside?

Look, if you're here for another one of your surprise check-ups on lennox, she's not home.

This has nothing to do with lennox.

Could you open the door, please?

I'm in deep trouble. I need a place to hide out.

What? You kill a guy?

'cause that'd be cool.

We can only kill pre-existing modes of expression.

And I'm not really an art student anymore.

I made so many trips back to toledo,

- I kinda flunked out. - Maybe you shouldn't have

Kept checking up on lennox and her new boyfriend.

Oh, thanks for pointing that out.

Look, I--

Please don't tell anybody I'm here, especially lennox.

I don't want her to think I'm spying on her,

You know, 'cause I'm totally over her. Believe me.

Then why are you in her house?

'cause I can't face my dad. He's prone to yelling

When I waste thousands of his dollars!

Look, I just need a couple of days to figure things out.

- You gotta help me. - What, you want me to hide you in my room?

What?

Hide me in your bedroom? No, that would be ridiculous.

You have a basement, though, right?

Oh, joe, there you are.

I was thinking about our Friday night dinner.

I think we should take nate and gillian to vitello's.

Yeah, or maybe not.

Are you kidding? Gillian loves italian,

And she said nate is always up for trying something new.

So I hear.

I have this little fantasy where some day we'll travel

With nate and gillian to Italy.

We can boat around lake como, ride the gondolas in venice,

See the frozen lava people in pompeii.

Honey, I don't really like to plan that far in the future.

I sorta just like to live in the moment.

you see that?

That was a beautiful moment right there.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh!

There was another one.

I'm not being negative. It's just the future is--

It's in the future. You never know what's gonna happen in the future.

Ask those frozen lava people.

Hey, you know something.

Put down your balls and look me in the eye.

Nate said something. Tell me what he told you.

Come on, tell me...

- Hey! - ...Or the rest of them get it.

All right, look, nate did tell me something,

- But I can't tell you what nate told me. - Joe, we're a couple.

We're supposed to tell each other everything.

Come on, you know the saying. Bros before h...

The ladies.

- Joe. - I made a nate a promise!

You can always tell your partner something

That has been told to you in confidence.

It's-- it's the couples' code.

- You just made that up. - No, it's a real thing!

One heart, one mind. That's why boyfriends and girlfriends

Can't be made to testify against each other.

Yeah, they can.

What, are you a lawyer now?

- Hey! - Tell me!

All right, fine.

Nate's gonna leave gillian.

Shut the front door.

He hasn't told her yet.

Oh no, gillian's gonna be devastated.

I know. Hey, you cannot breathe a word of this to gillian, all right?

I told you under the couples' code. You gotta keep it a secret.

- But-- - ah, bup bup! It's a real thing.

Damn, it is.

Will you stop squashing my balls?!

So I'm gonna get a whole new bedroom set,

Not just the headboard.

It's expensive, but nate's worth it.

'cause if I splurge on a new mattress,

I might as well turn the whole bedroom

Into the perfect little love nest for me and nate, right?

Mm-hmm.

Gee, mel, you've hardly said a word this whole time.

Oh, it's just such damn good coffee.

And I just can't get enough of it.

- Mmm mmm. - Oh, I forgot.

Last night I told nate what I was giving him for his birthday--