Brickleberry

- NICE AND QUIET WITH NO WORK TO DO.

JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.

IT'S SO BORING HERE.

ALL MY FINELY TUNED CRIME-FIGHTING SKILLS

ARE GOING TO WASTE.

FINALLY, A LITTLE ACTION.

FREEZE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

- I JUST MISSED THE TRASH CAN. I WAS ABOUT TO PICK IT UP.

SHUT UP, SCUMBAG.

WE'VE GOT A, UH, 371-261.

- YOU GOT A LITTER BUG RAPIST?

OH, A RAPIST TOO, HUH?

PROCEEDING WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.

whack! - OW, OW, OW!

STEVE!

- OW, OW, OW!

OW!

- DAD, YOU BUSTED MORE CRIMINALS IN THIS PARK THAN ANY RANGER.

I'LL FIND A WAY TO MAKE YOU PROUD,

STARTING NOW.

STARTING NOW.

AH, IT.

GROSS. WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

- UH, IT'S BEEN ABOUT FIVE DAYS SINCE I TOOK A SHOWER.

- WHAT? WHY?

- I'M GOING TO THE GYNO NEXT WEEK,

AND I WANT HIM TO EARN HIS MONEY.

WHAT HAPPENED, WOODY?

- YOU BEEN BACKING UP TO GLORY HOLES AGAIN?

- NO, I GOT A GODDAMN HEMORRHOID.

FEELS LIKE I'M TAKING IT UP THE ASS

FROM A GINSU KNIFE.

- NOW IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR...

THE BRICKLEBERRY CRIME REPORT.

- - THIS AGAIN?

- I THOUGHT MY HEMORRHOID WAS A PAIN IN THE ASS.

THERE IS...

NO CRIME TO REPORT.

- HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MUCH BUILDUP FOR A SHITTY REVEAL

SINCE EVERY M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN MOVIE.

- IT'S NOT MY FAULT NOTHING EVER HAPPENS HERE.

- IT'S A NATIONAL PARK. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE BORING.

IF YOU WANT SOME ACTION, GO BE A COP.

MAYBE I WILL.

THEY LOVE ME DOWN AT THE STATION.

I LOVE YOU, BUDDY,

BUT THERE'S NO WAY THEY'D LET YOU BE A COP.

- DON'T FEEL BAD, STEVE. YOU'RE JUST STUPID.

- I AM NOT STUPID. - OH, YEAH?

WELL, HOW ABOUT THE TIME YOU "SAVED US"

FROM THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE'RE FILMING A TV SHOW, YOU IDIOT!

NICE TRY, WOODY,

BUT I DON'T TAKE THAT FORM OF PAYMENT ANYMORE.

- WHAT? - ALL RIGHT, WOODY.

LAST TIME, BUT FROM NOW ON,

YOU WRITE A CHECK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

- NO, YOU LUNATIC, I'VE GOT A HEMORRHOID.

- HMM, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO, WOODY?

NOBODY LIKES A COCKTEASE. - JUST HACK THIS THING OFF.

IT'S KILLING ME. - SURE THING, WOODY.

I'LL CHOP THIS RHOID OFF FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY--

JESUS CHRIST! - OH, NO, IS IT THAT BAD?

- NO, YOU HAVE THE FACE OF JESUS CHRIST

ON YOUR HEMORRHOID.

OH, NO, THIS EPISCOPALIAN'S NOT TOUCHING THAT THING.

- DON'T BE SILLY. IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.

YOU GOT TO CUT IT OFF FOR ME, DOC.

I CAN'T EVEN SIT DOWN.

- OH, I WOULD NEVER COMMIT BLASPHEMY, WOODY.

NOW, GO TO YOUR GODDAMN HOUSE AND SIT ON THE FACE OF JESUS.

- SO I KICKED THE DOOR IN AND EMPTIED MY GLOCK

INTO THOSE TWO CRACKHEADS.

SO I GUESS YOU DIDN'T READ THEM THEIR RIGHTS.

- SURE, I DID. THEIR LAST RITES.

- WILLIAMS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I MADE AN ARREST.

SICK BASTARD WAS SHITTING IN THE WOODS.

I PUT HIM IN A HOLDING CELL FOR YOU.

OH, NO!

- I WAS HOPING YOU GUYS COULD PUT ME ON A FEW CASES.

THINGS HAVE BEEN KIND OF SLOW AT THE PARK.

OH, SURE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TALK TO CHIEF PIERCE?

HE LOVES IT WHEN PEOPLE INTERRUPT HIS HOBBY TIME.

THANKS FOR THE TIP, BRIGGS.

CHIEF PIERCE! - OH!

I'M LOOMING HERE.

SON OF A BITCH!

YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO MAKE THAT BRACELET?

I WANT TO BE A COP, DADDY.

- WELL, SON, PUT YOUR TICKET IN THIS RAFFLE,

AND MAYBE YOU WILL.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- JUST FILLING THESE OUT FOR MY KIDS.

- HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?

150?

MY WIFE'S VAGINA LOOKS LIKE A POPPED WATER BED.

- HEY, I WASN'T DONE WITH THAT.

OW, AH, OW.

OH, YEAH.

KEEP IT.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT NO DOCTOR IN TOWN

WOULD OPERATE ON MY MUSHROOMING MESSIAH.

BUNCH OF RELIGIOUS KOOKS SEEING JESUS EVERYWHERE.

WATER STAINS, BURNT TOAST,

NOW MY BALLOON KNOT.

- THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

- DID YOU FIND OUT ANYTHING ON WEBMD

WITH THAT PICTURE YOU TOOK OF MY SO CALLED HOLY HEMORRHOID?

- NO, BUT IT'S ALREADY GOT 7,000 RETWEETS.

- WHAT? - CALM DOWN.

I TAGGED YOU.

JESU CHRISTO.

LET US SEE HIM. - HEY, HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LADY?

YOU CAN'T WORSHIP MY TURD GUTTER!

- AND THE WINNER OF OUR LITTLE COP FOR A DAY IS

STEVE WILLIAMS.

all: AW.

- YEAH! SUCK IT, LOSERS.

- JESUS CHRIST. ALL RIGHT.

EVERYBODY GIVE LITTLE OFFICER WILLIAMS

A WARM WELCOME.

all: BOO!

- THANK YOU. IT'S AN HONOR.

BRIGGS, CUT IT OUT.

JUST FOR THAT, WILLIAMS WILL BE YOUR PARTNER

FOR THE DAY.

- YEAH, BUT--BUT, CHIEF. - BRIGGS!

THAT'S AN ORDER. - COME ON, PARTNER.

LET'S GO FIGHT SOME CRIME.

- TELL ME WHO YOU WORK FOR. - LET ME HANDLE THIS.

WHAT?

I THOUGHT WE WERE PLAYING GOOD COP/GAY COP.

I CAN BREAK HIM.

WHOO-HOO!

NO RUBBERS, NO DUCT TAPE, NO ROOFIES?

WHAT KIND OF RAPE KIT IS THIS?

HMM, WHAT IS THAT?

all: JESUS! JESUS!

PLEASE, BLESS MY SICK CHILD.

- I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY SCREAMING MEXICANS

SINCE BUS PASSES WENT UP.

THIS IS YOUR FAULT, MALLOY.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHOW IT TO THEM?

- NO, THERE'S NO WAY I'M SHOWING

MY DISGUSTING HEMORRHOID TO ANYBODY.

I BOUGHT THIS CREAM TO SHRINK THE BASTARD.

- OH, JESU CHRISTO. DIOS MIO.

DIOS MIO. JESU CHRISTO.

DIOS MIO.

JESU CHRISTO.

GOD DAMN IT!

- JUST A LITTLE BLESSING.

THAT'S IT!

I'M GONNA SAW THIS THING OFF MYSELF.

- DON'T DO THAT, MY SON. - HUH?

WHO SAID THAT? - IT IS I, JESUS.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO SHOW MY FACE TO THE PEOPLE.

SPREAD THE WORD BY SPREADING YOUR CHEEKS.

- WHATSOEVER THOU SAYETH, MY LORD.

- THANK YOU, JESUS VOICE APP LITE VERSION.

WHERE MY HOS AT?

SHOULDN'T WE CHECK THAT OUT?

- NOT IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, ROOKIE.

NO COP HAS EVER BEEN ABLE TO TAKE DOWN THE SATAN'S BFFs.

- SO YOU'RE AFRAID OF THOSE GUYS?

- WATCH YOUR MOUTH, WILLIAMS.

I'M THE TOUGHEST COP ON THE FORCE.

IF I WASN'T, YOU THINK CHIEF WOULD'VE GIVEN ME THIS?

WHOA.

OH, MAN.

I'VE ONLY GOT TEN MORE MINUTES AS A COP.

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING COOL.

- I'VE GOT THE PERFECT LAST ASSIGNMENT

FOR YOU, WILLIAMS.

- EH, GO BUY ME A COFFEE

AND A HOT DOG.

STUPID BRIGGS.

HEY!

COOL SKI MASK. - HANDS UP, PIG!

HOLY CRAP!

- BRIGGS, YOU TAKING A NAP?