Kidding

Previously on Kidding...

Do you believe you could turn back time?

That's absurd.

I think we should fuck.

I serve a higher moral authority:

the children of Japan.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Yes! Yes!

Scott is entitled to half.

What is divorce?

Divorce is when a husband and a wife

decide they don't want to be married to each other.

See you at the bottom.

Divorce is for the best.

No!

Please! Please, no!

You got divorced on national television

before an audience of mostly children.

Now, do you still think that was "for the best"?

I do.

Well, what about the critics who argue

that you singlehandedly have broken up more homes

than anyone in the whole of humanity?

Homes don't break.

They change,

like people,

which I truly believe is for the best.

But what about what happened in the Philippines?

Was that for the best?

I'm sorry.

What-what happened in the Philippines?

You don't know what happened?

Here. Here, here.

No!

Please! Please, no!

I wasn't aware of this incident.

But do you feel responsible for the death of Phil?

What did you say?

Excuse me one second.

Do you feel responsible

for the death of Filipino Pickles?

They threw him off a roof.

He landed on an ice cream vendor.

Is the ice cream vendor okay?

He may never walk again.

So there's a chance he could walk again?

No.

Where's the funeral?

There isn't one.

Philippines won't let Ginoo Pickles' body

be buried on their soil, so...

...they have to bury him at sea.

Now you want my advice?

A man is dead...

a man I hired!

I didn't say "advice." I said "read."

I want your read.

My read is, I was right

about this listening doll,

this death-threat- receiving machine.

Do you want to send a message?

No, I do not!

Calm down. Have a seat.

Where?

There is nowhere to sit

in this entire office.

Nowhere.

I thought I had one chair!

No!

No chair.

And look at this mess.

Do you want a new iPhone

but your money's all tied up in your home?

Then you need a reverse mortgage.

Trust me. It's not a scam.

Unlocking the hidden equity in your home is Snaggle-rific.

I'm Stacy Keach,

and Snagglehorse is right.

Together, we're gonna take you on a trail ride

through the land of fiscal empowerment.

Plus, it's just common sense

that anything in reverse

is always twice as fun as doing it the normal way.

The whores have stolen the children, Deirdre,

on your watch.

Fili-Pickles is dead.

And they're going to bury him at sea

like some Pickle bin Laden.

You want my advice?

Do not let Jeff bury that man,

and bring back my leather couch.

How do you nap?

I don't nap, Dad!

And it's not my fault the Philippines

enforce some militant brand of Catholicism.

The divorce is on you, though.

Not blaming, just saying.

You do that a lot, you know.

What?

Mistake an opportunity

to be a good father

with an occasion to shame me.

Every now and then, just so you know,

I could use a thumbs-up from you,

since we both know that "Good job, Dee Dee,"

is too hard to say.

If you want to fix this,

you have to think of Jeff as a child.

You have to discourage him.

It's fine. I know what to do.

I told my daughter that Daddy and I

were just getting a second house,

but now she knows it's divorce.

My mom broke up with my dad

because of the song you sang.

Wife waiting for me when I get home.

Ambushes me, says Mr. Pickles is right.

She took everything but this doll.

You broke up my home, asshole.

I'm gonna fuck you up so bad, Pickles.

- Hi. - Hey, pal.

I think I left my passport here.

Ah!

Finally going on vacation, huh?

I have to bury a Filipino Pickle.

Oh.

Well, that's, um...

I'm glad you're here.

Uh, question.

Would you ever coinvest in a breedable affenpinscher?

They are reliable show dogs,

loyal, curious, famously amusing.

If that's an invite to trot the circuit,

I feel a team forming.

I support it.

Hey, hey, second question,

unrelated, equally important,

if not more so.

Uh, I'm taking Jill and Will to Hersheypark this weekend.

'Cause I want to propose to Jill.

What do you think about that?

Um...

I think...

Does, uh, Will have to be there to witness it?

I mean,

I'd like him to be.

Oh, sure.

This hug is complicated

but...

- genuine. - Thank you, man.

Hey, I loved the divorce episode.

Thanks.

I think it's what killed the Filipino guy.

Mm. Can't win 'em all.

Liver brothers forever!

Hersheypark this weekend, huh?

I need to get my passport.

Hey, are you and Peter

investing in a show hound?

He has his heart set on an affenpinscher.

But little does he know

that I have my hand on the tail

of a horse-haired schnauzer named Wunderbar.

Big, thick whiskers

and a scrotum you could wind your watch to.

You have a gift, you know?

You tried to manslaughter him,

and now you're going halfsies on a schnauzer.

I mean, to be fair,

we haven't committed totally to a breed.

Great guy, Peter.

I like him.

Enjoy the chocolate park.

I don't know if I can go.

I'm supposed to work a Sunday shift.

Oh, no, no, no.

You should take the time off.

No one ever regrets a vacation.

Passports are in that thing in the closet.

Wait, you know what?

I'll just grab 'em.

The-the closet's a mess.