Taskmaster

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Ha-haa!

No way!

Er... Gosh!

Where's the hole?

Urghh! Ahh! Uhhh...

Are you having a laugh?

Ooh! Aghh!

Hello! Hello, everybody, I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

There are those that think that this series - series 13 - is cursed.

There are those that say I have the legs of a goat

and can be seen on the moors devouring pork by moonlight.

There are those that think all of the losers of Taskmaster

are done away with and replaced by robots that I use to do my bidding.

There are those that think

I shouldn't write introductions to the show when I'm tired.

And here are five of them.

Ardal O'Hanlon!

Bridget Christie!

Chris Ramsey!

Judi Love!

And Sophie Duker!

And next to me the answer to the question

what would happen if you forced a yak through a sausage machine?

It's...

Little Alex Horne!

Thank you.

All right, then, love? How are you?

I'm excited because I'm just about to say

my millionth word of the year.

I'm now 14 short

and I want you to choose my millionth.

All right.

There you are.

Biffins!

That bit between your front and your back.

That's your millionth word. That's my millionth this year. Yep.

There's always next year, isn't there?

Right. What's the prize-task category, please, Alex?

Well, this one's safely up there in our top 109 prize tasks.

We asked them to bring in the best night-time thing.

Ooh. Five points for whomever has brought in the best night-time thing

and at the end of the show, the winner will take home five night-time things

and guarantee themselves a thoroughly good Monday to Friday.

Very good. Judi Love.

I said, erm,

a lovely duvet.

Look at it.

This is practical, it keeps you warm

and when you're hot, you can put your foot out of it...

I didn't realise you could put your feet out. Yeah.

I thought they had to stay within the confines... No, no, no. No.

Only special people know this. But you...

..can also use it for camping.

Why are you saying this like... like it's the first time

anyone's ever thought of it?

What do you expect from me for that?

"What? You can take it out of the house?!"

There's so much stuff you can do with a duvet at night-time.

You can make a tent, you can sleep downstairs with it.

Do you know what I mean?

You can play ghost. It would be a big, fat ghost,

but you can play. I mean, the person that doesn't beat duvet,

hang your heads in shame.

Genius. Ardal.

Ah, well, obviously, er, night-vision goggles.

Ooh! Are they night-vision goggles?

Well, they're swimming goggles, but, er...

They are the best night-time thing

because when you wake up at night, uh, you can see.

Uh, and I... I... I...

Do you wear them in bed? Of course I wear them in bed!

So when I wake up and if there's someone in the room, I can see them.

So what are the practical applications of night-vision goggles for you? Right.

I don't sleep well. And my wife does sleep well,

but she doesn't like me turning the light on at night, so if there's an intruder comes in,

I've got a little advantage. Over your wife?

Over my wife.

Um, Sophie, can you beat night-vision goggles?

Uh, I think the best night-time thing

is an owl. But... I mean...

It's... Yeah.

I think... Do you know what?

Already I think she's right!

Already!

I think owls are creatures of the night,

they can... Not only do they have night vision,

but they can see all around.

But, um, owls and people

don't make great bedfellows.

Oh, it's not a live owl. It's an owl hot-water bottle.

And here it is.

So the thing is it might keep you warm,

but when you're cold, can you put your foot out of it?

Uh, that's how they catch their prey, isn't it, on heat.

On heat? I think... Their eyesight is actually, um...

Their eyes are actually bigger than their brains. Oh, right.

Which means sometimes it looks at a crossword and thinks, "I can do that", but it can't.

It's not as clever as it thinks it is.

It's a hot-water bottle, but it's a cute one.

Might get you two points, let's see. Chris.

A bed. A bed. He's brought a bed in.

Oh, Chris. I mean, honestly,

that is so basic. Shall we list things you can do on a bed?

Yeah. Yeah... Every single thing you said plus it's a trampoline.

Any special features?

Er, memory-foam mattress. That's the mattress though.

They don't work. I got one of them.

It doesn't remember me.

It rejects me!

All right, Chris. Bridget, hello. Hi. What have you brought in?

A fox.

Aww!

You brought in the natural predator of the owl.

Why's it the best night-time thing?

I think they're magical and, er, they're all around us all the time

and we don't notice them. The amount of films

and in literature and in Japanese folklore...

You have convinced me that the fox means a lot to you.

They're in... They skulk around the suburbs in the middle of the night

like a jazz drummer trying to score heroin. They don't skulk...

Right, score some points. Yes, what is the best night-time thing?

Shall we start with the worst? OK, what's the worst?

Judi Love. And unfortunately, Chris,

I'm sure your bed's absolutely lovely, but I must only give it two points.

Sophie's coy owl will take three points.

Coy owl. So it is night-time goggles versus fox.

The idea of him in night-vision goggles,

it delights me that one point more. That is my judgement.

There we go, Ardal O'Hanlon gets five points!

Let's have a task proper. OK, then.

Well, I have a big task for you

set in a little church.

Ohh.

It's like a sample sale.

This is like a nightmare.

It's like Blair Witch or something. Sponsored by JD Sports.

"Display the shoe Alex is thinking of."

"All the other shoes must be out of sight at the end of your attempt."

"You may only ask yes or no questions and you must say,

"'I have to find the shoe' after every answer."

"You must shout,

"'No way! after every answer."

I must say "OK, just one more thing" after every answer.

I must laugh with disbelief after every answer.

I must get increasingly exasperated

after every answer.

"Fewest questions wins."

"Your time starts now."

So this is like Guess Who

with shoes. So what's it called?

Shoe Who. OK.

Guess Shoe. Yeah. OK.

If you think I'm not thinking of a particular shoe,

please pop it out of that window. I will be counting any questions you ask.

Maybe I don't have to ask any questions.

It's one tactic. Mmm.

Do you like shoes? Yes.

No way! So that's...

That's what we've got to do.

No way.

That's the opener you went with, is it? "Do you like shoes?"

Yeah. Bit annoyed that that got counted.

I counted every question. Every question.

Right, let's crack on. Yes. As this task is taking place in a church,

who better to start with than a bit of "Christie 'n' Love"?

Bridget Christie 'n' Judi Love.

Can I have some gloves, please?

You cold? No, I don't like touching shoes. Oh.

Is the shoe you're thinking of... Is that how we do it?

Oh, that's a question, isn't it?

Trainers? No.

Ha-haa!

Is it a baby's shoe?

No. Is it an adult... Please say...

Just one more thing. OK, just one more thing. OK, just one more thing.

Is it an adult's shoe? Yes.

OK, just one more thing.

Football boots? No. A-ha-haa!

Is it a man's shoe? No.

Is... Is it these? No.

Is it these? No.

So it's not those. Is it these? No.

Off you pop. Is it these? No.

Is it these? You haven't said, "OK, just one more thing."

OK, just one more thing. Is it these? No.

Does your toe show? Yes, it does.

Ha-haaah!

It's not those. Is it?

Oh, you still asked a question. What? No.

Alex? Hello, Judi. I think you should take those down for me.

Oh, right, OK. And these.

Out the window, is it? Yes, Alex, out the window.

Thank you, Judi.

OK, just one more thing. Is it the bowling shoes?

No. So I have to get those down now? That's another question.

Is it any of those? No. Is it on the back row? No.

OK, just one more thing. Is it these? No. OK, just one more thing. Is it these?

OK, just one more thing... One more... One more... Is it a pair of shoes?

Mm, no.