Taskmaster

Hello and hello too.

I am Greg Davies. Welcome to yet another series of Taskmaster.

We have an incredible new fivesome awaiting patiently for me

to get this series under way. Are you ready?

YES!

Then please meet the five people competing to win my ginormous gilded noddle.

They are... James Acaster!

Jessica Knappett!

Kerry Godliman!

Phil Wang!

And Rhod Gilbert!

And next to me, he looks after the facts and figures,

but I have full control over his salary...

He's little, he's Alex,

he's Alex Horne...

He's little Alex Hooorne.

- Thank you. Hello, Greg. - Hello.

Thank you for having me back.

I've been very busy...

- since we've been away. - Yeah? What have you been up to?

I've downloaded, um, quite a bit of the internet.

Yep.

And I've been doing... I've done some research into you.

- You're a comedian! - Correct.

You used to be a teacher.

Over six foot. You didn't...

You don't have... any pets yet. Yet.

You're a Taurus.

OK, on with the show.

We're gonna start with the prize task.

- If that's alright, Greg. - Good. Yes.

Each competitor brings in something for the prize pot,

and at the end of the episode, the winner takes home all the things.

That's how it works.

And the first prize category for our fledgling competitors is

the thing that most people would like to touch.

- I'm gonna start with old James there. - Hello.

What did you bring in that you think I'd like to touch?

MC Hammer.

He released a song, um...

called "Can't Touch This."

Oh, "Can't Touch This"!

And that made a lot of people want to touch it.

We haven't got the actual MC himself.

We've got a representation of the MC.

- Yes. - So there it is.

If you saw that on the street, you'd think it was him.

Oh, God, you would, yeah. Especially if he was one-dimensional

- and stayed absolutely perfectly still. - Yeah.

Can I say, I think he's two-dimensional.

Yeah, it is two-dimensional, you're right.

What do you think the "this" that MC Hammer was referring to was?

A two-dimensional cardboard cutout of himself?

Do you wanna see what Jess has brought in?

Yeah, yeah. Let's move on.

Well, it could actually complement James's quite nicely.

Hmm. Gut instinct says it's not going to.

Let's have a look?

Don't tell me you don't wanna touch that!

Is the sign saying "don't touch the sign",

or is it saying "don't touch something else"?

'Cause otherwise I don't see the point of the sign.

I thought about this.

I thought about this, and normally it would be next to something,

wouldn't it, that you can't touch, but...

Yeah, I think that's more likely,

rather than the sign having an existential crisis.

I think I'm having an existential crisis.

OK, so, "do not touch" makes me want to touch... No, it doesn't.

Kerry, what did you bring in?

A Newton's cradle.

- Interesting. - Clicky thing.

- I know what they are. - OK.

We can see a picture of the Newton's cradle,

also called an executive ball clicker,

which is what you call me.

That is what that's called.

It's interesting. I've got a personal connection with this executive toy,

because I requested one in 1981 from my mother,

and she refused to buy me one because she thought it was pointless.

- But that's the joy of it. It's pointless! - Correct.

That's the joy of it, old woman.

Anyway, when I got my first job in 1990, I bought myself one,

and, tragically, the end of the story is, it was very disappointing to touch.

No.

I'll tell you now, it's the best one yet.

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on, last place.

Phil?

Um, I've gone more of a classic route,

and I've got a little toy chariot with a man driving it.

Absolute classic.

Here's the toy.

There's a little switch on the side.

Yeah, there's a button that you want to touch, in particular.

If there's a button, you're gonna want to touch that and see what happens.

Yeah.

Do you want me to show you what happens when you touch the button?

- Of course I do. - OK.

That is something.

I bought it in Indonesia.

- Yeah? - So it's exotic.

I haggled for this.

The guy in the market, he said, "100,000 rupiah."

And then I said, "50,000."

And he said, "100,000." And I said, "70,000."

And he said, "100,000."

So I paid 100,000...

Rhod?

Let's see the first picture, 'cause it's a series of pictures.

It's a journey.

There's the first.

- OK, so that's you. - Yeah.

How old are you there?

- About 17? - About 17.

- Let's see the next picture. - OK.

- Because... - Ugh!

I went to the trouble...

of knocking up a replica...

of your childhood teddy bear, whose name was...?

- BT. Blue Ted. - BT, Blue Ted.

And I know how much you enjoyed touching...

I should explain, for anyone who doesn't understand.

Yeah, please explain, Greg.

When I was a teenager,

during a particularly unfulfilling frisky period in my life,

I did have relations with a bear...

that my mother had made for me.

We can see sort of the area that you were interested in.

The horrible thing is, I don't know what happened to BT.

He could still be around.

I think we all know what happened to BT, mate!

Alright.

Where d'you wanna start? First or last?

In last place...

It's just a sign.

And I wanna say this early doors,

that Jess told me before the show

that it's her dad's opinion

that I penalise females on this show,

- and... what's his name? - Peter.

Peter, looks like it's fucking true, doesn't it?

In joint second to last place,

- with two points each... - Two points each, yes?

I'm going to put Kerry...

because I despise women.

Joint second to last, I'm going to put it with James's MC Hammer,

because I don't want to touch MC Hammer

or a cardboard cutout of MC Hammer.

In second place, with four points, because I cannot deny my past,

it's Rhod Gilbert, 'cause wherever you are, BT,

I do miss touching you.

And in first place, inexplicably,

because I don't know why I want to touch that toy,

it's Phil Wang!

Good, we're off. Have you got something nice for us, Alex?

I thought it was about time for a change.

- OK. - OK.

Hi, Rhod.

- Alright, mate? - You alright?

- Is that a wig? - My hat?

Oh, it's a hat, is it? Oh, sorry.

- Hi, Kerry. - Hello, Alex.

- How are you? - I'm alright.

- Hello. - Hello.

Do you like it?

- Is it a clue? - Yes.

- Oooh. - You ready?

OK, it's just up here somewhere.

There we go.

- That... - Yeah?

Now, that... that is amazing!

I'll just get...

Absolutely, 100%.

- Nice little hat. - Thank you.

OK, what happened there?

That was amazing.

"Design and demonstrate the best quick-change outfit."

I don't know what that means.

"Best and quickest quick-change outfit wins."

"You have one hour."

"Your time starts now."

- Velcro is gonna be a key player. - OK.

Right, I know what I'm gonna do.

Lemme think. Can I have a few minutes to think?

Pwop, pwop, and then...

"Pwop, pwop?"

Er... it's Mandarin.

- Pwop, pwop? - Pwop, pwop.

Who's first?

Well, we're gonna see them all in real time, the quick changes.

- Pwop, pwop? - So bear that in mind.

Pwop, pwop. They will be in real time,

and first of all - I hope she doesn't mind me calling her this -

it's Jessica Knappett.

- Are you ready, Jessica? - I'm ready.

Can you, like, give it some theatre, Alex?

Unbelievable. Give it some welly.

Here I go.

Oh, yeah.