That '70s Show

All right. They didn't even check our fake I.D.'s.

And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.

Yeah. Sorry, "Pez."

Let's drink.

- So, fellas, school let out early? - Yeah. We're just...

- Kelso, shut up. - Uh, I mean, no.

No, we're old.

We're workers. We're all construction workers.

Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today?

- Whoo! - Relax, guys.

It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon.

You look familiar. Do I know you?

I should hope so... Dad.

- Hey! Steven! - Wow!

- So you're Hyde's Dad? - Well, that's what his mother says.

Kidding.

Hello, Mr. Hyde's Dad. I am Pez.

- I've heard much about you. - Good things, I hope.

Well, if running out on your family and becoming a drunk is good, then, yes.

Okay, guys. Let's... look over here.

Wow! Look at you!

You're... bigger...

and you got your mom's hair...

and her sideburns.

- So, how long has it been? - Eight years, 51 days.

Wow! Time really flies when you're...

- Drunk? - Y... Well.

I was gonna say "havin' fun," but... same thing.

Yeah, so, uh, how long you been back for?

Well, let's see. Ah, that must be about a year.

- A year? - Yeah! Hey, I was gonna call ya.

Oh, you were gonna call me? Oh, man, that makes you, like...

I don't know, what, father of the year?

I'll see you around, Dad.

Oh, man, Hyde's upset. Better go see how he is.

Yep. One more round, we'll go see how he is.

Hello!

She is just my type: Naked.

I, too, like the naked ladies.

I find them so... naked.

Yeah, that's realistic. I think I'm gonna change the oil in my car...

but first I'm gonna take off everything but my cowboy boots.

Sure, I mean if you're in bare feet, you could slip in the oil.

Come on, Donna. Safety first.

Whoa! Surefire ways to pick up women.

What kind of lonely losers read this stuff anyway?

Gimme.

"Look deep into her eyes, and use her name often...

showing that this conversation is just for her."

Hey, Donna.

I think they're onto something, Donna. What do you think, Donna?

Oh, my God. I'm taking off my shirt. Stop it, hands! Stop it!

Well, Steven, honey, you haven't touched your sandwich.

- You feel okay? - Yeah. I'm just not hungry.

Oh, Steven. Are you finally tired of freeloading?

- Can it, Laurie. - All I'm saying is Daddy works really hard...

and nothing here is cheap.

Except you.

- Believe me. I'm not cheap. - Fine. "Free." Whatever.

Hey, honey, I'm home!

Oh, good. The hippie's here.

Hyde, man, your dad come by lookin' for you, man.

Which is really freaky 'cause I thought this bald dude was your dad.

Thanks, Leo.

Steven's father is in town?

Yeah, right. Like he even knows who his father is.

- Eric, you know something about this? - She's a bitch.

Right. Okay. Uh, yeah.

We bumped into Hyde's dad last night.

He'd been back in town, like, a year... hadn't even talked to his own son.

Cool. Egg salad.

Well, I'm gonna talk to Steven...

and see how he's feeling about this.

You know what, Mom? I wouldn't do that. Hyde likes to bottle those things up.

Good for him. That's where those feelings should be kept.

Well, what is he gonna do? Pretend he doesn't have a father?

Kitty, this is a family issue, and, for once, it's not about our family.

Look, the bond between a father and a son...

is complex and subtle.

You wipe that damn smirk off your face!

Red, when we took that boy into our home...

it became our job to see him through thick and thin...

and now it's thick...

or thin... I don't know, but he needs us.

Cool egg salad, man.

Fine. Stick your nose in where it doesn't belong. Go ahead.

Okay. Will do.

Bud's comin' over for drinks tonight.

Uh, Mom, do you really want to invite an alcoholic over for cocktails?

Oh, right. Okay, well, I'll just, um...

I'll make him a nice Shirley Temple...

and he can fill up on cheese.

You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed?

What? No! God, not a stack.

You know, what is a "stack" really?

- Why do you have these down here? - Now, wait, Donna...

downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.

Eric, that was in the basement...

with our idiotic friends.

- Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? - No... Yeah, you're enough.

God, you're... you're plenty.

It's just, uh, that, uh...

you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines...

is...

really only interesting to me...

with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.

You know what? I don't wanna know about the whatnot.

I'm outta here.

Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.

Hello, Jackie. How are you, Jackie?

- Fine. - I'm glad, Jackie. I, too, am fine, Jackie.

Do I have a sty?

No, Jackie. You, Jackie, do not have a sty...

- Jackie. - Okay...

Fez.

I don't know what you're doing, Fez...

but stop doing it, Fez.

Oh, no. Now I am turned on.

Oh, wow, man. Look at all these different nuts intermingling in one bowl.

It's like "Nutstock," man.

Kitty, I think we should rethink...

our "Don't Throw Leo Out On His Ass" policy.

No, no. Leo stuck around because he cares about Steven.

And, plus, I can't find my shoes, man.

- Hey. What's goin' on? - Oh, good news, Steven.

- Your dad's coming over tonight. - Screw that!

No, Steven, it's a good thing, I think.

- I got nothing to say to him! - Well, we have fancy nut mix.

Hey, Red! Remember me?

Of course. I wasn't the one passed out in the gutter.

Yeah, I have this weird condition...

where I drink a case of beer and fall down.

Hey, Red. Man, you're lookin' good.

Have you lost, um... hair?

Steven'll be right out.

Hey, man, nice shoes.

Are those mine?

- Hello, Bud. - Hi.

- Can I go now? - It's "May I go" and no.

So, Bud...

can I get you a drink?

A drink! A drink of soda.

A nice drink of soda, Bud. Plus, we have cheese.

Soda sounds great, Kitty.

- Yeah, I'm off the hooch. - Oh, really?

- So, no more boozing? - I heard him.

Yep. I can finally see clearly.

Isn't it great, man?

It is. I got a job and an apartment.

- Color TV. - Ooh, color TV. That's nice.

Wow, Bud, you're doing great now, huh?

Color TV? Man.

I remember when I was a kid, I didn't even have a father.

Well, well.

- Who could have foreseen this terrible... - Can it.

Jackie didn't give me the time of the day.

I hate this stupid magazine.

Oh, no. I didn't mean it. I love you.

Hey, Fez. Check this out.