House

Okay, boys and girls.

Guess what kind of animal

wacky Benny's making now?

Give you a big hint.

Bor-ing.

Is it a dead animal?

I say we put him out of his misery

and bring out Emma's cake.

He's so new to this.

How's he gonna learn if we stop his act?

You're a sucky clown.

And you're a super-duper audience.

Hey, that is not okay.

Hey, keep your hands off my son.

Tell him to keep his hand off me.

I can't move my arm or leg.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

So how does a completely healthy teenager have a mini-stroke?

Head CT and cerebral angiogram are normal.

Clotting parameters are normal.

You're forgetting the wrinkly clump

in the middle of his shirt.

Thought we'd diagnose the middle-aged clown first.

It's probably from my seat belt.

Wrinkle pattern's too varied.

It looks like someone shoved you or grabbed you.

Probably from the diaper bag.

If the patient's using drugs,

cocaine could have caused an arterial spasm in his brain.

The tox screen was clean.

I'm gonna say it was the ex-girlfriend you cheated on,

not the ex-wife you cheated with.

If the latter was prone to violence,

you'd have been scattered in various dumpsters years ago.

Seriously?

No one else wants to talk about the patient?

New office furniture. Meaty topic.

What's the action on the ex-wife?

It was Rachel's boyfriend Phil.

His company's moving him back to Portland.

He wants me to change my visitation order

so he can ask Rachel and my daughter

to move out west with him.

Things got a little heated.

The patient was punched in the groin.

Could have triggered a massive sympathetic discharge.

Carotid duplex is normal.

Who's better qualified to be the daddy?

The guy who spilled a little DNA in her gene pool

or the guy who's gonna be there day and night

to pass on important values

like not shtupping mommy after the divorce?

I am her daddy.

She's staying here.

House has a point.

A couple nights a week with each kid

may make you feel better.

Doesn't replace two 'round-the-clock parents.

'Round-the-clock or not, parenting's an impossible job.

No way not to mess it up.

Why shouldn't Taub be the one to do it?

- Thank you. Makes sense.

Park's tiger mom and dad were so insufferable,

she has to measure their affection in hours.

Chase's careerist dad and alcoholic mom

were so indifferent, he has to believe it's a wash.

Your turn.

What did your screwed-up parents do

to screw up your view of parenting?

They were good parents.

That's an oxymoron.

Chase is right. All parents screw up all children.

He's also dreamy, but it's not relevant now.

So all parents screw up all children,

but it makes some huge difference

if I keep my daughter here or let her move?

Endocarditis.

Flipped a piece of vegetation into his brain,

which could have broken up before the angiogram.

Transesophageal echo to confirm.

Screwed up is your best case.

Bouncing between a philandering workaholic dad

and an embittered, sexually betrayed mom,

it's gonna lead to screwed-up squared.

Is endocarditis treatable?

Very. The echo will show us any growths on his heart valve.

Most likely meds will be enough.

He won't even need surgery.

He's just taken up performing

and it's very stressful for him.

Could that have caused this?

It's not stressful. I have fun.

Stress wouldn't be relevant,

but anything that increases his adrenalin

could have made it worse.

Maybe we find you a new hobby,

one you're a little better at.

I'm gonna get better at it, and it's not a hobby.

I-I think I want to get a job working as a circus clown,

making people laugh.

Ben, I-I don't think that's a good idea.

It was good enough for my dad.

You're a, uh--

No, his biological father.

Could his dad's melanoma be a factor here?

That wouldn't be related.

Ben, you barely knew him.

You're such a smart kid.

You could aim a lot higher

than face paint and seltzer bottles.

I need treatment for my Type 2 diabetes.

There is absolutely no part of that sentence that is true.

I've been experiencing weight gain, fatigue,

and sluggishness.

Weight loss is a symptom of diabetes.

Fatigue is a symptom

of thinking you have a disease you don't actually have,

and sluggishness is a synonym of fatigue.

I need Insulin. I know it.

Much as I'd like to kill you

by dangerously lowering your blood sugar,

murder violates my parole.

That bloodwork is week's old.

Test me again.

I am the test. The test is negative.

The test also thinks you're a giant pain in the ass.

That last insult was your cue to leave.

Test me.

Fine. Wait right here.

Thank you.

Sleep study.

Please make sure he's not disturbed

for the next eight hours.

We need to talk about Saturday night.

No, no, no, no, no.

Historians will talk of Saturday night, not us.

The legendary night

on which we watch Santos shatter Rubio's jaw

and you epically pay me $50.

I have a chance to really watch it.

A patient of mine has a pair of tickets he can't use,

and obviously you're under house and office arrest.

I just wanted to make sure you were cool

if I go to Atlantic City without you.

Uh, no, thanks.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to decline your invitation

to not spend Saturday night with you.

These are ringside seats.

Cameras are ringside too.

If you want, I could sweat and spit

and bleed on you from time to time.

I'd take you if I could.

Well, I'd take me if either of us could.

See what a tough spot I'm in?

I'm going to that fight.

All right, I'll take the other ticket.

Let me worry about logistics.

Patient's heart valves are normal.

It's not endocarditis.

But he has a thickened pericardium,

which makes no sense.

He has a heart problem

but not one that could have caused his T.I.A.

Syphilitic vasculitis would explain the T.I.A.

and the pericardial inflammation.

Syph test was negative.

Plus, the kid's never been sexually active.

Yeah, I got that from the line in his chart

that says "birthday clown."

His late father was a circus clown.

Histoplasmosis?

He's not immuno-compromised.

And I assume you added that irrelevant tidbit

because you're moved by the son's idiotic tribute

and think it justifies keeping your daughter in New Jersey.

What if he has a heightened immune system?

I mentioned it because...

Take your time.

We'll continue with the medicine.

Sjogren's could have given him chronic pericarditis

and cerebral arteritis.

Sjogren's it is.

IV immunosuppressants to treat.

Anything?

This will calm your immune system.

Should be out of here within the week.

My mom will be happy to hear that.

I've got an internship that starts in three weeks.

I take it it's not at a place with a big top.

It's at my stepdad's law office.

I know I'm not any good at being a clown yet,

but when I do get a laugh

and see those kids' eyes light up,

that's how my dad made me feel when I was a kid.

You need to hang on to that.

Heh.

My mom says he was a loving father

but always broke and always on the road.

It's just a stupid way to make a living.

You're 16. Plenty of time to make money.