Hacks

And so without further ado,

welcome to the stage...

You know her, she pays you... Deborah Vance!

Hoo, hoo, hoo!

Thank you. Thank you.

So I know you haven't seen me in a while.

When Hollywood wants to get rid of a woman,

they just say she was difficult.

But a man gets away with having sex with his stepdaughter

because, well, that's just his process.

Am I right, y'all?

"Y'all"?

The, uh, reports of my death were fake news

as was "US Weekly" every time they published

I didn't wear it better, y'all.

"Y'all" again. What is that?

Sorry.

Let's get to the

persecution pyramid!

Every woman who has ever done something brave or unexpected

is either called crazy, shot in the face,

or, even worse,

thwarted by a contract

she didn't read closely enough.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Hey, you. Yeah, I'm just in a meeting.

All right, let's take a break.

So, yeah, maybe we want to rethink

the persecution pyramid and also the, um...

Just all of it, I think.

No, it's the crowd.

I mean, they work for me. I paid people to be here.

It's a completely different dynamic than at a comedy club.

Besides, Josefina's in a mood

'cause I don't like her new water filter.

Totally. I think maybe we want to focus on,

like, what's been funny about the past few years,

and then we can sort of work in the systematic oppression

of it all, if we must.

I'm gonna get to the funny, but if comedy says something,

it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.

I mean, you're the one who always says

that it doesn't have to be a laugh a minute.

No, I know, but it's kind of

a Smith College commencement address at the moment.

So sorry about that. That was the Paley Center.

Unfortunately, they're not willing to move

the "Who's Making Dinner?" event.

Do they know that I won't be able to speak at it

because of the gag order?

Yes, but they're adamant that the anniversary event

should take place on the anniversary

and not, you know, nine months later.

Oh.

People are so dramatic about time.

Why can't they just be more flexible about dates?

You know, like I am about my birthday.

Not everybody is as easy to work with as you are.

But, look, they still want you to attend,

you know, and pose for some photos.

And I can circle back with your lawyer.

Maybe you learning sign language is a fun loophole.

- Oh. - I know a little.

Oh.

- Hey. - Okay, well, I'm sorry.

That's not nice.

- I think she's hangry. - Always.

- She doesn't eat. - Yeah.

But you, I have really good news for.

- Oh. - So remember Jessica Duncan,

- the exec who made "My Bad"? - Yeah.

Well, she got a huge new job.

- And guess what. - What?

She loved your script.

You know what?

She is one of the good ones. I have always liked her.

Well, she wants to sit down with you,

and I'm gonna schedule a meeting

when you're in town for the "Who's Making Dinner?" event.

My God, you are the best in the biz.

I'm flailing, but thank you.

This thing on?

'Cause I got a couple things to get off my chest too.

First up, these Russians, and I'm not talking about...

- No, no. - the dolls!

- No, Randi. - Silencing women?

This is what Deborah's talking about.

Oh, my God!

Make my lips bigger.

Bigger.

Whoa. We having a yard sale?

Oh, the Paley Center wants some memorabilia and photos

for the "Who's Making Dinner?" exhibition.

- How's this? - That's good.

Now give Frank some dark circles...

- Mm. - And a big, fat double chin.

Cloning now.

What are you doing?

We're... what did you call it?

We're "yassifying" Deborah.

And we're de-yassifying Frank.

I mean, if I can't speak at the event honoring my show,

the least I can do is make my nasty, bastard-ass

cheating ex-husband look like shit.

Not sure a media-preservation nonprofit's

gonna love that.

I'm just giving them options.

Apparently, Kathy already sent some photos over.

- She's not gonna be there. - Thank God.

Is this the original pilot script?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

How the hell did he get sole creator credit?

We wrote the pilot together, and then he said,

oh, Deb, uh, I'm just gonna put my name on this first one,

and then you can put yours on the second one.

I was so naive, I didn't know that whoever

that whoever "writes" the first episode

from then on is considered the creator.

Right.

He said it was an innocent mistake,

but he knew what he was doing.

He never wanted me to get any credit.

Now I have another bastard trying to erase me.

That's why my MSG show has to be historic,

has to be record-breaking.

How's this?

Before and after.

- Ooh. - Amazing.

That is exactly how I remember it.

- Wow. - Oh, you think that's good?

Wait till you see what she did to my grandson.

- Ah. - No.

Isn't he adorable?

You guys can't Photoshop a baby.

Yes, you can.

Oh, my God.

Did you snatch his waist?

Oh, yes. He's so fit.

I just have to say...

I am so proud

of the work we did together on Deborah's special.

I was so pissed when I saw that they took it down.

Those motherfuckers.

No, we... Yeah, we were devastated.

And what Bob Lipka did to my girl Deborah?

I mean, that is bullshit. Piece of shit.

Oh, completely agree... Guillotine.

Thank fucking God I don't work there anymore.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh!

- Okay, all right, vibe shift. - Yes.

- "Mall Girl." - Yeah.

You know, Jimmy said that I would like your script.

I didn't.

I loved it!

Thank you. That is so nice.

A modern-day retelling of "The Wizard of Oz"

set in a '90s mall...

Literally written for me.

It's so smart.

Thank you.

You know what scene I loved?

When the girl gets her ears pierced

and it gets infected and then the Hot Topic goths

have to take her to the hospital,

my heart broke for her.

Oh, that is... That's really nice to hear.

Yeah. No, it's so nuanced.

It's so specific.

So original.

So, obviously, we can never make it.

- Oh. - Blech.

But what else you got?

Uh, that was all that I-I was kind of doing at the mome,

at the moment.

Well, I really want your next TV show.

So here's what I'm gonna do.

Sight unseen, whatever you got, I will buy it cash advance,

- blind script deal. - Oh, my God.

- Really? - Yeah.

Thank you. Could...

I mean, could "Mall Girl" be a series?

- No. - No.

So something you're more passionate about, right?

- But also hits the young demo. - Okay.

Diverse, of course, queer... queer counts.

Yes, I see you, girl, LGBTAIQ+.

Not too political,

not too poor, hard funny.

- Okay. - But passion first.

Well, I mean, look, it's... I think for me, finding an idea

that I'm immediately passionate about...

Right, right. Right, right.

- Easy as pie. - Yeah.

- But no limited series. - Yeah.

- Limited series, bad. - Yes.

Bad, bad, bad.

Yeah.

That should be easy.

So she didn't start as a stand-up?