Moonlighting

Blue Moon Detective Agency.

Some lowdown no-good Nick made off with your dough?

We can't solve your case because we don't have a show.

We went off the air at the end of last season...

management wouldn't listen to reason.

Blue Moon's here, though there's one thing we're sans...

millions of loyal intelligent fans.

Hang in there, it'll be a bit when you won't have to deal with this rerun...

Shut my mouth.

Oh, my goodness. Got to go.

It's you.

You came back finally.

Some of them said you might not want to but I knew you'd come.

You would not come, you could not come.

And now you're here, our audience.

Hey, everybody, look.

- Our audience. - Oh, yeah.

Look, oh this is great. This is the best.

This is:

Herbert. Herbert. Guess who's here?

- Who? - Guess.

I'm about to checkmate myself. I don't have time for this nonsense.

You don't have to play with yourself anymore. They're here.

- They. They who? - They, them.

Oh, them.

Isn't it great?

What do you mean? They're back.

Herbert, you're not still holding a grudge, are you?

They didn't exactly take me to their bosom last year, you know.

For crying out loud, Herbert. Turn the page.

That was last year. This is this year.

A new season, a great season.

Your season.

My season?

Sounds swell, not a cloud in the sky, bikini weather, folks.

We pack up the wagon, we go to the beach...

- we surf. - Mr. Addison.

Don't argue with me, Agnes.

It's about time you got an all-over tan.

That's nice, Mr. Addison.

But I've got a feeling we have some work to do.

Come here.

Come over here.

Did I hear you use the "W" word?

Shame on you.

- My season. - What?

My season.

Have you students been smoking banana peels again?

- What's the matter with you? - Look.

- Is that who I think it is? - Yeah.

Ain't it bitchen?

Well, I'll be a series regular.

Look, there's Cathy and Arnold and...

- Don. - Hymie and Don.

- Look, hi, Don. - Nancy.

- There's my friend Mark. - Jordan.

I guess we're back in show business, aren't we?

Wait till Miss Hayes hears the good news.

Yeah.

So, kids, are we ready to roll up our sleeves...

- and make our dialog dirty again? - Yes, sir.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Another season, another try.

To make 22 shows before we die.

A chance for critics To stalk and steer.

We know they'll only make Sixteen this year.

We know they'll only make Sixteen this year.

But we don't care Because we do our part.

To make the programme With wit and heart.

So go get comfy, unplug the phone.

Here come Dave and Maddie Into your home.

Here come Dave and Maddie Into your home.

Another season, another try.

To make 22 shows before we die.

What are they trying to do? Screw up our chances for syndication?

- Heave. - Heave.

Saw Bugs Bunny do that once.

Where were we?

- About to kick off the new season. - Right. My season.

What? Hit it.

Come on, let's do it.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Lights.

Rims.

Another season - Yeah.

Another shot.

To show the country.

Just what we've got.

To be there every Tuesday night For you.

Without a rerun.

Without a rerun.

Without a rerun.

Except one or two.

We can't have no rerun.

Because you'll change the channel.

And watch NBC.

Oh, yeah.

Ready.

Good song, good song. Good commercial.

Let's go right into another one, right away.

Oh, I love this song.

If only I could figure out what this song meant.

Something's up.

Hope she's not gonna vomit again.

Oh, examination time.

I wonder if they're gonna take pictures today.

I'm gonna be twins and nobody told me.

Hello, Baby Hayes.

Here's the deal, you get the brains but I got to get the good looks.

Excuse me?

Maybe I will and maybe I won't.

Who are you anyway? What do you want?

I got some bad news for you. This womb ain't big enough for both of us.

Calm down, Baby Hayes. I'm a friend, Jerome.

I'm sorry for barging in...

but there just is no subtle way to begin a visitation.

- What? - A visitation.

You see, I'm an emissary of the Creator.

Yes, he's asked me to come visit with you.

Oh, he has, has he?

Who is this Creator?

Creator of what?

Why, the Creator of everything. The universe, me, you.

All that is seen and indeed unseen.

All he wants is that you're prepared for your birth.

You are familiar with the concept of birth.

You are aware that you'll be leaving this place.

Leave here? You must be crazy.

What did you do, promise the room to your nephew?

Well, it won't work.

I ain't leaving. No, sir.

You couldn't blow me out here with an A-bomb.

Yes, well I'm afraid that that just won't do.

I'm afraid that this is just gonna have to do.

Because you know what? I ain't leaving.

Why should I?

Great climate, all the food you can eat.

No stress, no cares, just kick back...

give her a little heartburn, play a little handball. This is the life.

No, I'm afraid it isn't and that's the point. Life is a bit more complicated.

That's why we must get ready for the other world out there.

What are you talking about? What other world out where?

Out there, out there, outside these walls.

Out there.

You know what's out there? Intestines.

You want me to go live in intestines?

No, no, not there. The world.

The world?

The world.

Well...

- what's the world? - It's a wonderful place. Or it can be.

The thing is, you've got to be prepared and that's what this visit is all about.

Every child whose ever been born gets one of these.

Courtesy of the Creator.

Why?

Oh, because there's a lot of confusion out there.

But whenever a child comes into the world there's always the hope...

that he or she might make it a better place.

You'd like to be part of that wouldn't you, Baby Hayes?

I don't know.

This other world, you got any brochures, pictures?

Yes. Lots of pictures. The world has been around an awfully long time.

I think you'll find it fascinating.

Now what you're about to see is a compilation of the thoughts...

images and impressions experienced by all men since the beginning of time.

Remember them.

They'll comprise your dreams, your nightmares and your imagination.

Do that again.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Outstanding.

So that's all there is to this life stuff, huh?

That was merely the beginning.

Like I told you, the world is a complicated place.

Complicated, messy and quite wonderful.

- You mean there's more? - Oh, yes. We have much left to do.

What I just showed you was merely a sort of astral coming attraction.

- See anything that caught your fancy? - Yeah, sure.

Ice cream, music, girls.

Girls. Oh, yes. I was very fond of them too.

Become women, you know.

The Creator takes a lot of pride in that.

Which leads me to our next topic.

The birds and the bees.

The moms and the dads.

Pardon?

You, Baby Hayes, are the product of two people's love.

If everything goes according to plan when you're born...

it's with anticipation on the part of these people.

They're called your parents.

When you were born...

it is almost always into the arms of these parents.

But at your birth...

you have neither the powers of speech nor mobility...

it's best you know as much...

about these people in whose care you've been placed.

Even when I'm a itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny baby...

I'm gonna know every thing about my parents?

Yes, everyone does.

Well, what happens when I'm old enough to talk?

Isn't God afraid I'll spill the beans?