Moonlighting

Hi, I'm Madelyn Hayes and this is David Addison.

Right.

We'd like to take a minute to welcome you to...

- another season of Moonlighting. - That's right. Wrong.

- Wait a second. - I don't know what I'm doing here.

We're welcoming people back to another season.

The network wants us to welcome the viewers back.

- Double ha! - Lou told you to do it.

Say it! The network says that tonight's show is too short.

The network says every show has to be one hour long.

Not 59 minutes, not 61 minutes.

Sixty minutes long. And we're a minute short.

- Now the whole world knows. - Do you know why we're short?

- Karen, get my agent. - You talk too fast!

- If you slow down once in a while. - You're talking when I'm talking.

That's it! The producers can welcome the viewers back themselves.

Cut!

How was that?

Sorry, Cybill. Sorry, Bruce.

- Too short. - Too short! And you know why?

- Don't blame this on me. - Because you talk too fast.

- You're talking when I'm talking. - Start the show.

- Start the show. - Start the show.

Welcome back.

MOONLIGHTING

Evening, Mr. Navarone.

Got your money.

Got all of it.

Seven thirty-seven.

Seven thirty-eight.

- Sorry. - Sorry.

You said 7:32.

Hey, hold on a second. Hold on a second!

Five minutes.

You're gonna burn a deal over five minutes?

Come on!

Five minutes? You're gonna blow a hundred grand over five minutes?

I'm a big believer in punctuality.

This is serious business you want to get into.

Wanna be in a serious business?

You have to act serious.

Next time, on time.

Come here. Check out your merchandise.

- Wow. - Yeah, wow.

Okay, kid, get your booty off my trunk.

This time I ain't stopping.

- Mr. Navarone? - Yeah.

- Just one more thing. - Yeah.

You're under arrest, jackass.

PARKING LOT

SHED POUNDS - MAKE MONEY "THIN AND RICH" DEMONSTRATION

Ladies and gentlemen. Prepare yourself for an evening...

that's destined to change your life.

It's The Thin and Rich Story.

As told by the only guy who knows all the good parts.

Mr. Rich and Thin himself.

Richard Addison.

Oh, my goodness, what a crowd.

Thank you.

"Wanna tell you a story about a guy with a roll."

"Said gotta find some glory, Gotta make some dough."

"Gotta find some glory Gotta make some dough."

"So he think and he think And he thunk and he thunk."

"And after he was done He invented this junk."

"This goo, this gop This weird-looking swill."

"It's called Rich and Thin And here's what it will do."

"It will melt your fat Melt it clear away."

"It'll keep you lean Till your dying day."

"But that's not all This stuff will do."

"Yes it will make you rich It will do that too."

"Yes it will make you rich It will do that too."

"Now how can we make A promise like this."

"That this powdered goo Can make you rich."

"You can make this promise Because it's true."

"It worked for me It'll work for you."

"He used to be fat And he used to be poor."

"Now he's thin and he's rich Drives a Porsche 944."

I'm sorry you didn't sell any of that stuff, man.

Hey, anything new takes time. Gum. Gum took a long time.

People didn't understand that they were supposed to chew this stuff...

without actually eating it.

Anything new, you got to educate the public. What did we say, 35?

- Forty. - Forty.

Now how about grass. You know, lawns.

Here's this stuff.

You plant it, you fertilize it. You water it.

There are people who take better care of this stuff than their own kids.

So they can do what? Cut it and throw it away.

What are you staring at?

Well, it's in the shop. I mean, a Porsche is a very delicate machine.

- Whatever you say. - Very delicate, very delicate.

And that's the O'Jays' "For the Love of Money."

That's also our super song of the day,

So be caller number 22 and we're gonna give you $4000,

That's 4000 big ones,

Just for being the 22nd caller to get through on our boogie line,

So ask yourself, what radio station pays cold hard cash to its listeners?

Ain't no other, brother, We're KRKD, your radio station,

The number, 555-1234, That's 555-1234,

Let's go to the phones. Hello, you're caller number one.

What do you mean you can't break it? Operator, this is an emergency.

I'm sorry, Mr. President, she just doesn't believe me.

Perhaps you or Mr. Iacocca would like to speak to her yourselves.

Operator, I'm telling you, you're putting me in a hell of a spot here.

Are you calling me a liar?

Yeah? Well, reach out and touch this, mama.

- Anyone waiting to see us? - See us what?

- Any calls? - Calls?

Any appointments?

John Gavin was made ambassador to Mexico again.

- I'll be in with Mr. Addison. - Certainly.

Mrs. Middleman, I don't care if I have to look under every woman in L.A.

I am going to find your husband.

No, no, no. I wouldn't do the job if I didn't love it, Mrs. Middleman.

You too. Bye-bye.

- Something I can do for you? - What was that?

- Phone. Still is. - Addison, did we get a case?

- A case? A case? - A case. A customer.

A customer? - A customer.

That woman on the phone. Does she want to hire us? Was that a case?

- Kind of. Yeah, kind of. - Kind of?

- Maybe. - What do you mean, kind of, maybe?

- What was that? - That?

That was an inquiry.

- An inquiry? - An inquiry.

- An inquiry. - Hey, come on. An inquiry.

An inquiry's not bad. An inquiry is kind of like...

case foreplay.

You gotta have an inquiry before somebody gives you a case.

- Case foreplay? - Don't you get it?

This is great. People are beginning to hear about us. Take us seriously.

There was no one on the phone, was there?

Mrs. Middleman? Lives in Pacoima.

Mister said he was going to the mall, he was going out with a moll.

She's gonna shop around, call other agencies, check prices.

There was no one on the phone, David.

- All right. No one was on the phone. - Terrific.

Okay, everybody knows you're feeling a little bit...

Depressed? Depressed is what I was before I started feeling really bad...

and became what I am now. Do you know what I just did?

I just called a radio station.

They were giving away money and I thought if I could only win some.

Maddie, you're losing your grip.

And I haven't had a chance to sample it yet.

Maddie, I know you're feeling disillusioned.

- That is no reason to act so... - Impoverished.

Terrified! And I'm not acting, David.

We've been at this for months. And it's not getting any better.

This business is a giant pit I'm throwing my money into.

Not forever. It will turn around. Don't throw in the towel.

Towel? Pretty soon there aren't going to be any more towels.

No towels. No bathroom. No anything.

It's gonna be pretty tough on the old personal hygiene.

The Internal Revenue Service wants me to sell my house.

- Your house? - My house.

Between what I owe in payroll taxes and personal taxes...

that house is the only thing I have left.

- Your house? - I worked for 11 years for that house.

If the government tries to sell it...

Oh, Scarlett, Tara ain't on the block yet. How much do you need?

- Thirty-five thousand. - Dollars?

Yes.

Where on earth am I gonna get that kind of money?

- I don't know. But we will. We will. - We will?

- How? - We'll make it.

- Where? On a Xerox? - How many times do I tell you.

We're sitting on a money machine. We just gotta figure out how to turn it on.

You are a preposterous human being. Do you know that?

- A preposterous human being. - Why? Because I believe...

- in thinking positively? - Thinking positively?

David, we're standing on the decks of the Titanic...

and you're suggesting songs to the band. This business doesn't work.

No one calls. No one comes in. It's breaking your heart.

And it's bankrupting me. Why are we putting ourselves through this?

- Why? - Because we are on the verge.

- The verge. - On the verge of what?

- The verge of happening. Any minute. - Why ask? He'll just tell me...

- I know you're depressed. It's normal. - Why am I living this life?

- I never did anything to deserve this. - This mild recession has you nervous.

So being good doesn't matter.

Don't you think this happens to every company? It does.

I read about a small outfit. Nothing was working.

Nobody in his door. The milk going bad in the cooler.

One day, Mr. Eleven says to Mr. Seven:

"Why don't we open earlier and close a little later?"

Lightning bulb goes off in Sev's head. They switch billing, rest is history.

- Addison! - Maddie, we are in the same place.

All right. Things are not running as smoothly as they could...

but they will. We work out the kinks...

I'm telling you, any day now, any hour, any minute, this phone is gonna ring.

- How did you do that? - Wait, I'll do it again.

Yes? For Mr. Addison. It's his brother?

- My brother? - You have a brother?

Oh, brother.

Davie and Richie. I never even knew you had a brother.

I never thought of him as a brother.

I thought of him as Mom and Dad's science project.

How long since you've seen him?

- This is the 80s. - Sounds like he's doing well.

Staying at the Bel-Air Hotel, dinner at Adriano's.