The Millers

Hey, guys.

Hey, Uncle Nathan.

Hey, you want breakfast? Adam just made smoothies.

Adam: Yeah, this is a new thing we've been cooking up down at the cafe.

It's got seaweed, fish oil, kelp and plankton.

And a little splash of blueberry.

Oh.

- (Chuckles) - Mmm.

Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Is it too sweet?

Tastes like somebody dropped a Popsicle in a tide pool.

How come he gets to spit out his food but I can't?

Your uncle's given a lot of money to help our business.

Not given. Loaned.

And as a partner...

Not a partner. Guilt tripped at a barbeque.

He can spit out whatever he chooses.

Now finish that, please, and go get ready for school.

Speaking of loans...

Oh, thanks. Mom's been asking about the rent money.

Yeah, we'll pay you back.

It's just been a little bit slow down at the cafe.

But you know what they say:

Every new business loses money for the first...

ten years.

Oh, turn this up. It's gonna be me.

Woman: What do you do when conventional parenting

just isn't doing the trick?

Our own Nathan Miller reports.

Nathan: While this type of discipline

may seem unorthodox to some,

not everyone in the neighborhood sees this

as cruel and unusual punishment.

It's about time his parents did something.

I'd like to see his jackass brother wearing a sign

that says, "I say mean things about mature women's breasts""

well, apparently gravity is not the only one who can be cruel.

Ooh, Myrtle Beach area code.

Hello?

Your father flooded the basement.

- Again? - Yep. Same way.

Left the hose on all night.

Claims he got distracted by a skinny squirrel.

Dad flooded the basement again.

Nathan's here. I'm gonna put you on speaker.

No, no, no.

Hey, hey! Mom?

Hey.

Debbie, we're driving up to stay with you

until the landlord dries things out,

but your father said he needed to ask you something.

Tom, pick up.

Whoa. You're coming here today?

Good lord. Could you pick up the phone one time

without hitting the redial button with your chin?

It's like your idiot trumpet fanfare

announcing the king of stupidity has arrived.

Hello?

Hey, dad.

What kind of toothpaste do you have?

The tube kind.

Are you not packing toothpaste?

Your mother said not to waste ours 'cause I can use yours.

I can't believe we're paying long distance for this.

It's toothpaste, Tom.

You can use whatever they have.

Cinnamon hurts my tongue.

This is ridiculous. We'll see you tonight.

Tom, hang up the phone.

She never answered about the toothpaste!

It's not cinnamon, dad.

Okay, good. 'Cause cinnamon hurts my tongue.

Tom, hang up!

Debbie, we'll see you tonight.

Nathan, did Janice read the article I sent her

about fertility tips?

Um...

uh, yes, I think she did.

Were the positions helpful?

They looked dangerous.

Have a safe trip, mom.

(Chuckles)

I got to say, when you first told me not to tell mom and dad

about the divorce, I had my doubts.

But lying to them has been really fun.

I feel like I'm back in my shoplifting days.

Well, thanks. I got to say,

I'm a little surprised you haven't told them yet.

Are you kidding me? The golden child gets a divorce

and now he's hiding it from them?

Suddenly, getting knocked up at a yoga retreat

by the mid-Atlantic hacky sack champion doesn't look so bad.

Let's just get through this visit.

I know that I have to tell them sooner or later, but...

later just feels so right.

Nathan: So the next time your kid blurts out a naughty word,

instead of reaching for the soap,

maybe send him outside for a little public humiliation.

Did you learn your lesson, Zachary?

Shut up, (Bleep),

before I wrap your around your (Bleep)

And shove my (Bleep) in your (Bleep) (Bleep).

I'm Nathan Miller, walking your streets.

Come on, just one little party.

I'll invite some girls over.

You didn't get a divorce from Janice so you could

sit around the house alone every night.

I just don't know if I'm ready to get back

- into the whole dating game. - You're on TV

and you are wasting it!

You think when I was on assignment with Geraldo

in Afghanistan, he wasn't using his celebrity status

to get some mideast tail?

You're telling me that Geraldo Rivera

slept with a lot of Afghani women?

Well, I'm not really sure 'cause they put him

in a different hotel than me.

But if he didn't, he's a fool just like you.

All right, you're right.

- Maybe I can have one little party. - Good.

- Invite some girls. - Yes.

Yeah, maybe it's... yeah.

Maybe it's time for me to get back on that horse.

Get on that horse! Giddyup! (Whoops)

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be staying at Debbie's.

We had a fight.

She painted my purple room green.

It's called "the purple room." How can it be green?

She thinks just because she pays us rent... and don't think

I don't know where that money is coming from...

she's allowed to redecorate my house all willy-nilly.

Can I have some water?

After all this rigmarole,

I'll never get to sleep without my pill.

Yeah, I'll get it. Just...

have a seat, both of you.

Check your pedometer.

The doctor said 10,000 steps a day.

Eighty-nine.

No, no. Wait a minute. I... it's upside-down.

Sixty-eight.

Get some exercise and take the bags upstairs.

I don't want you to die before your life insurance matures.

What are you doing?

Getting you water.

I don't want to use up all your fancy bottled water.

It's the same thing that comes out of the faucet

for ten times the price. Pour it back.

Look, mom, what does it matter?

It's already... I've... I've already poured...

God, it's not worth it. It's so not worth it.

Don't spill it!

It's expensive!

I'm doing the best I can!

It's not engineered to go in this direction!

Where are all those colonial Williamsburg throw pillows

I gave Janice for Christmas?

You didn't get rid of those, did you?

No. No, no, no.

I... I think half of them are still here somewhere.

Where's Janice? She's not upstairs.

Y... yeah. A... about Janice.

Wh... why don't you both sit down for a sec.

Why would we need to sit down?

Where's Janice?

Is Janice dead?

It wasn't one of those dangerous sex positions, was it?

No.

No, Janice is not dead.

- Please, just sit down. - No.

People always tell you bad news when you sit down.

I'm gonna stand.

Okay, but whether you're standing or sitting,

I'm still gonna say the same thing.

We'll see about that. I'm gonna stand.

Great. Fine. Stand.

Janice and I split up.

What?!

Janice and I got divorced.

: What?!

No, no, no, no, no, no! You're not getting divorced!

Well, we already did and it's okay. I'm very happy.

I'm very, very... come on, dad. Don't be like that.

Dad, don't you want your son to be happy?

- I'm very happy. - (Gags)

What are you doing? I'm trying to get the sleeping pill up.

I can't fall asleep now.

- We're in the middle of an emergency! - (Gags)

Mom, we're not in an emergency.

This happened three months ago.

Three months? I have to call her.

What's her number?

- What's her number?! (Gags) - No, please.

Just don't throw up.

I can't believe this is happening.

You got married in my church.

You were both so happy!

For your first dance, you danced the dance from Dirty Dancing.

That's not the kind of marriage that ends in divorce.