House

Let's get back to Phil and Diane.

Phil's been having a hard time finding work,

and Diane wants him to talk to her

about his fear, his disappointment.

And Phil wants Diane to trust him

that they'll get through this,

ideally, without having to keep discussing feelings.

Not your exact words, but am I wrong?

And most guys out there are the same way,

but ladies, if you're feeling frustrated,

remember, it's not our fault.

We were raised to be strong, not emotional,

to deny vulnerability, not embrace it.

And do you know what that makes us?

Dinosaurs.

Nobody needs us

to hunt wild animals for food.

Nobody needs us to cut down trees to build shelter.

They need us to evolve, to catch up.

Since the 1960s, women's roles have shifted radically.

And as--uh, as their-- in--as their roles have changed,

so have women, they've-- they've, uh--

well, they've become tougher,

and more demanding of us.

They're partners.

And--and--who can blame them? Who--who can--

who can, uh...

expecting us to...

to do this...

Joe! Joe!

Joe!

Joe.

We need an ambulance.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

You want?

I'm good.

Your limp's almost gone.

It pains me to interrupt the collegial banter,

it pains me even more to listen to it continue.

38-year-old man.

Spikes a fever and collapses during a speaking engagement.

E.R. checks out blood volume,

cardiac function, and autonomic reflexes, all normal.

Patient makes a living telling men to behave more like women.

I'm surprised you didn't throw psych symptoms

into the differential.

Either way, could be a cerebral AVM.

E.R. did a head CT. No sign of AVM.

Decent thought, though.

The patient's philosophy makes perfect sense.

Its only flaw is that it's impossible.

Evolution does not work that way.

You can't talk legs onto a fish.

We're gonna go extinct,

and we're gonna do it drinking scotch and driving muscle cars.

Am I right?

Am I--thank you.

Cephalic fibromuscular dysplasia?

It doesn't explain the fever.

The patient's talking about compromise.

If you don't think that's possible,

you don't think relationships are possible.

Anyone in this room in a position to disprove that?

This guy's just playing to his audience.

Women are, by far, the biggest consumers

of the self-help industry.

He could have a pulmonary embolism.

Clot in his lung increases right ventricular afterload,

drops the blood flow to his brain.

We should do a pulmonary angiogram.

Patient lacks major risk factors for a P.E.

Doesn't rule it out, just makes it unlikely.

Maybe we start with a D-dimer?

Less invasive than the angiogram.

Good idea.

Fine.

Now, I am hereby searching for a number two.

So I'm eating a lot of Bran.

Also, I want a team leader.

Someone to fill Foreman's old job.

Why?

You're right. We don't need any more structure.

It's not like we had a near-fatal stabbing.

Well, if it isn't the old ball and Ukraine.

Who's that?

His wife.

Dominika. House.

You survived prison.

And you Atlantic City,

where they also have gangs and pruno,

but slightly less recidivism.

I start Ukrainian food truck business.

After gambling--win, lose-- everybody likes a little knish.

You're here, and I seem to remember throwing out

a bunch of certified letters from immigration.

I'm assuming there's a connection.

Our green card interview is in four days.

They come to the apartment,

they ask questions about marriage,

vacations, family history,

what side of the bed each sleep on.

We've never taken a vacation,

I don't like your family, and on top.

I hear Kiev is lovely this time of year.

And your mother, who may or may not be dead,

for all I know, misses you.

Can it be that genius doctor is afraid to take on

a silly government apparatchik?

Well, I would say more not interested than afraid,

but why quibble?

Then I go to plan "B."

Make you an offer that cannot be refused.

How long you been doing seminars?

The marriage counseling, just, uh, the past couple years.

Before that, I did corporate coaching.

Can't imagine the same advice works for both audiences.

Guess you shifted with the market?

There's nothing cynical about my husband. He and I--

No, it's okay. I get it.

What guy thinks men should be more like women?

A macho jerk who got a big wake-up call

courtesy of three drunks who beat the crap outta me

outside a sports bar in Milwaukee.

I'm guessing that explains the broken wrist

in your medical history?

Those morons did me the biggest favor of my life.

I realized I'd sacrificed

my health because I couldn't back down

from an argument over football.

Meeting Marlene was the final piece in the puzzle.

She changed my career, my diet.

She gave me a whole new direction in life.

We'll need to know exactly how you changed your diet,

and when.

Need my apartment key back.

If you're breaking up with me,

can we at least talk about it first?

Maybe if you weren't all nag and no shag.

I don't sleep with married men.

I'll get a copy made.

You're an ex-con.

If you get caught perjuring yourself to Homeland Security,

you'll end up back in jail.

And that would be troubling if there was

the slightest chance that we'd get caught.

You barely know each other.

You've got about five minutes to remake yourselves

into a convincing married couple.

And why?

Dominika gets a green card. What's in this for you?

This is what men do for the women they pretend to love.

Also, she's paying me 30,000 bucks once we pass.

Apparently knishes sell like hotcakes.

Lab results.

Afraid you're gonna have to finish your nag later.

I said I think it's stupid, right?

Then I think I'm done.

D-dimer came back normal. Rules out pulmonary embolism.

And our patient's a true believer

about the follies of masculinity.

He underwent a spiritual overhaul three years ago.

He also went off gluten and red meat.

Unfortunately, that doesn't explain any of his symptoms.

One of those points is not absurd.

What's absurd about a change of heart?

What this guy believes is making him a better person.

He's going against his baser instincts.

"Base" meaning foundational.

Meaning things we are biologically programmed to do.

Yes, perfectly natural that he stopped doing that stuff.

You know, that's the kind of lapse

that could take you out of the running for team leader.

I feel surprisingly okay with that.

Comes with a 50-buck-a-week raise.

I'm in.

You don't want to do that.

Might need your dignity later in life.

You didn't.

And she could be on her way to living the dream

unless the rest of you nut up and give her--

this spiritual overhaul...

Did it come after a physical overhaul?

A major injury of some kind?

Bar fight.

But there's no way a broken wrist explains--

Adams, come with me.

You too.

You guys...

Get a copy of that made.

Did those dudes bend your ball sack like Beckham?

Three years ago. The bar fight.

This is Dr. House. He has a theory.

Oh, Dr. Adams, would you mind?

I asked you a question. I assume you know the answer.

Yeah, I took a couple serious knees to the groin.

Wha--

what has gotten into me?

Dr. Chase.

Just pick it up.

Do you know what's wrong with me?