House

Keep breathing.

Nice and slow.

Now, the first couple of shots

will show you if the sights are off

or the barrel's bent.

Let me make this real easy for you.

The sights are off and the barrel's bent.

Mm, you're off to the left about an inch.

That's it. Shoot around the star.

Not at it.

Yes! Yeah! You did it!

I didn't.

You just won your girlfriend a Teddy bear.

Cool. Hey, which one you think she'd like best?

And then Thursday night, this physicist

is giving a lecture in Brooklyn.

It's about time travel and the grandfather paradox.

I don't know if you're busy...

Okay, Henry. Henry...Um...

Can we talk for a second?

Yeah.

I'm really happy that we've been

hanging out so much.

Yeah, I-- I like you too. Heh.

Can you put down the bear?

Henry...

What?

I can't.

I know.

You have a girlfriend.

It's just...

She never seems...

to want to do anything with you.

Are you crying?

No, I have allergies.

I must just be, like, tearing up.

Henry, I think that's blood.

What? I--it...

Oh!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

35-year-old male cries blood,

and he's not vampire Bill.

Go!

Should we ask?

Nope!

What, her?

Yeah, my favorite

companion is retiring from "companning."

So I'm interviewing replacements.

Thank you...

Butterscotch.

Is that a family name?

How long are you gonna be using the office for sex games?

Just so I can plan my day.

Sex and work?

I'm not a savage.

I asked for a cappuccino.

That's what this is.

No, a cappuccino's got a nice, stiff foam on it.

This is wetter than...

Oh... almost slipped there.

Well, thank you,

Ms. Scotch,

but poor foaming's a deal breaker.

Could you ask the next candidate to come in?

Initial exam showed no sign of trauma

or subconjunctival hemorrhage.

Lymphocytosis?

ALC's in normal range,

but it's in the high end of normal.

Take a seat, Fawn.

And tell me, what's your favorite Woody Allen movie?

Annie Hall.

You're interviewing hookers

but not gonna talk to them about sex?

Sex is a given.

They're hookers.

Defend your choice.

It's the most popular.

Ohh...that's so close.

We would have accepted, "Diane Keaton looks great

in suits," or, "it's a trenchant commentary

on today's mores," or, "I needed the eggs."

Thanks for your interest.

To get the gig, call girl--

sorry, call woman--

needs a combination of skills that I find useful/entertaining

for the remaining 57 minutes of the hour I paid for.

Lymphocytosis works.

Maybe we should take another look at the blood.

Could also be cavernous sinus thrombosis.

Clot builds up pressure at the base of the brain.

Rerun the patient's blood panel

and get a CT venogram of his head.

Let's see which one of you is right.

How are you with small appliance repair?

Uh, this cavernous sinus thing,

is it dangerous?

If Henry's got it,

we can treat it with a combo

of drugs and surgery.

Success rate is over 70%.

Do you want me to call Amy again?

No, it's fine.

Amy's his girlfriend.

I'm the neighbor.

I did leave a message at their number.

Do you wanna try her cell?

Be here for a few more hours at least.

Oh, she doesn't have one. She worries about radiation.

I could stop by on my way home.

She knows who I am, right?

You don't need to, but thanks.

Good luck.

Okay.

Have you ever paid for sex?

Every guy who's ever seen a Merchant Ivory movie

has paid for sex.

No.

It just...

seems too demeaning to women.

Given the things you've done to women,

that seems arbitrary.

You're Chi Park, right?

Who's asking?

Uh, you called about my guitar flyer.

You're Micah. This guy's selling

a 1974 Gibson SG standard in tobacco

for $1,250.

Yeah, actually, I came in to tell you

I already sold it.

Sorry.

Oh, um...

Thanks anyway.

Blood panel results seem pretty much the same

as before, and that guy likes you.

Maybe we should check for diabetes.

Could weaken conjunctival vessels.

And shut up.

If I'm wrong, then why is he coming back?

My band is rehearsing tomorrow night.

You should come by and jam with us.

That...sounds fun.

I'll think about it.

Great. Call me.

Park has a boyfriend.

I'll break your face.

This is the talent portion of the interview.

Okay.

You like cards.

But you can juggle.

I fail to see how this would be of benefit to you.

What if I'm busy?

Have you got anything else?

Sure.

CT showed no clots or malformations.

Park and Taub ruled out lymphocytosis and diabetes.

Well, since you have nothing of relevance

to report, I assume that you're here

to toss your panties in the ring.

Patient's got a mysterious girlfriend

he really wants to see.

She's unreachable by phone,

and the neighbor's never even seen her.

What do you think?

He's gay.

I think he's a junkie.

The girlfriend is a fix.

The guy's inhaling glue.

Can you repair a blender?

Can you bite me?

Go search the patient's home.

Well, thank you, ladies.

I've seen a lot of very talented candidates.

Got a tough decision the next few days.

This is the part I hate.

Well...this is not exactly a crack den.

Doesn't exactly look like a woman lives here, either.

"To Amy.

I love you."

Okay. She exists.

Doesn't mean he's not a drug addict.

It's good you're playing it cool with House.

Once he gets a rise out of someone...

Yeah, I'm not crazy about the whole hooker thing,

but I get it.

Other than the fact

that it's exploitative and dangerous for women,

you get what you need without any of the emotional baggage.

You're not seeing anyone, I take it.

I've been volunteering at the Trenton Free Clinic.

Keeps me busy.

You volunteer every night and every weekend?

No time to grab dinner?

What's more important--

making small talk over ravioli

or helping people who are less fortunate?

With that rationale,

none of us should ever eat again.

Let's just say I'm not hungry right now.