The Millers

23!

Oh, that's me!

Hi, I'm Carol, and this is my son Nathan.

He doesn't care. We're having a family dinner tonight,

- and we were told to bring a fun, wintry dessert. - He just wants your order.

- But knowing Debbie, she won't eat chocolate. - He doesn't.

- And knowing Tom, he won't eat fruit. - Also a stranger.

Or else he'll spend the rest of the night on the toilet.

Okay, you know what? Just two pounds of bread pudding, please.

I saw that news report you did yesterday

on the squirrel who can water-ski.

Hard-hitting stuff.

First of all, it was a chipmunk and he was wakeboarding.

I'll have you know that he got up on the third try.

All right?

They're wasting you.

You clearly have the piercing eyes and strong jaw

to deliver the hard-hitting news.

You look like a young Paul Newman.

Paul Newman used to make all the girls weak in the knees

when I was growing up. Still does.

I can't walk down the salad dressing aisle

without feeling a little earthquake in the basement.

Ma'am, your order's ready.

- Oh. - 24!

Excuse me, but you gave us

an extra quarter pound of the bread pudding.

Okay, just a second.

As soon as I'm finished helping this customer.

But you're not finished helping this customer.

Ma'am, it'll literally be one minute.

- I'm sure Customer 24 won't mind finishing with Customer 23. - Yeah, Mom,

- we'll just take the extra. - It's fine. - (SIGHS)

"It's fine"?

"It's fine" is a lazy way to live your life.

"It's fine" is why we're chasing the Chinese for world supremacy.

"It's fine" is why the young people

don't know the art of cursive

and I need to show I.D. to buy allergy meds.

"It's fine" is why...

is why he insists on helping Customer 24

when Customer 23 is still waiting.

- Manager! - No manager!

- You are embarrassing me. - Can I help you?

I don't know. Do you have chloroform and a rag?

Hey.

There you are. Where's Mom?

Oh, is she not complaining right behind me?

She must be still complaining up the driveway.

It's just ridiculous.

Do you know how many tattoo parlors I counted

on the drive home? 14.

When I was growing up, two kinds of people had tattoos,

soldiers and Popeye.

Yesterday, I picked up my prescription from a girl

whose arm looked like the margin of a sixth grader's notebook.

I swear. I don't know... Shut up.

Just shut up.

Well, you pulled the pin.

You got ten seconds to get out.

Okay, ad-admittedly, that came out slightly...

sharper than I wanted it to. But it's just...

you got to find something else in your life

other than criticizing everything.

I-I can't take all the complaining.

After a long day at work, I just... I need some me time.

Okay, I get it.

You're not talking 'cause I told you to shut up. Would you...

Look, why are you putting your purse on deliberately?

Hey, your silence scared me when I was younger, but I'm 42 now!

It's not like when I was 35!

Grandpa,

- are you busy next Friday night? - Pumpkin,

the only thing I have on my schedule is eventual death.

Will that happen between 7:00 and 9:00 on Friday?

I hope not.

Good. Then will you take me to the Daddy/Daughter Dance?

Uh, yeah. I-I guess I could.

Don't you want your father to take you?

He can't. He doesn't dance.

What's she talking about? Why don't you dance?

I kind of had a bad experience when I was a kid.

I didn't know how to dance,

so I just closed my eyes and tried

to copy everything I'd ever seen on TV.

You know that expression, uh,

"dance like no one is watching"?

Turns out that is terrible advice.

I'm not taking Mikayla.

Oh, come on, Dad. She really wants to go.

And she should. With her father.

Trust me, you don't want to skip this.

I worked crazy hours when Debbie was growing up. I always

missed stuff like this.

Carol had to take you to your Daddy/Daughter Dance.

I always regretted

not going to that dance with Debbie.

You can't go back in time. When a...

moment is gone, it's gone.

It's like your hair or your memory.

When a moment's gone, it's gone.

You can't go back in time.

It's like your hair or your memory.

You're right, Tom.

I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna dance.

Excuse me, Tom, Debbie, Adam,

lamp and no one else.

I forgot my sweater.

Your mom's not talking to you?

No.

Happened to me once.

Once.

How do I know my Mother's missing?

Officer, Dr. Phil started ten minutes ago

and there's nobody here talking back to the TV.

I drove up and down every street in your neighborhood

calling her name and shaking a bag of Chex Mix.

Nothing.

Yeah. But... No, it was just a normal day.

E-Except that we did go to the grocery store and I...

I may have told her to shut up.

I don't see why that matters, but I'm 42 and a half.

Yeah. Never mind.

Hello, Ray. Nathan.

Oh, you're talking to me now? Do you mind telling me

where you been? I called you 2times.

God, I don't know why I bought you that phone.

You only use it for Sudoku and recipes.

I went back to the grocery store to apologize

to the bakery manager since I made such a big,

embarrassing scene. You didn't need to do that.

I know that now.

Because he took my side of the bread pudding fiasco,

and then he gave me these free muffins for my trouble.

I argued with that manager down at that store once.

Know what I got for my trouble? Tasered.

After that,

he and I chatted about ways to improve the bakery,

and now you're looking at the new bakery clerk.

You're kidding.

Nope. Looks like I'll have something to fill my days

so you don't have to come home to me complaining.

And I hope you don't get offended

if I don't want to hear you yakking when I get home.

I might need some me time too.

Free muffins and peace and quiet?

Yeah, I think I can handle that.

Don't even... don't even say hello.

I know that look.

That is the look of a woman who's had a long workday

and is just looking forward to enjoying a little me time,

so feel free... People are idiots.

To share the things that irritated you today.

All I wanted to do was brighten customers' days

with a little chitchat,

but everyone was glued to their smart phones.

You're really gonna enjoy this muffin.

My son loves 'em.

It's the blueberries

that get him. When he was little,

we used to pick them at my...

at my uncle's farm in Richmond.

But clearly you don't give a rat's ass about that.

Sample?

Can anyone hear me?

Sample? I'm an alien.

Sample?

Fresh out of my butt.

Oh, hey, little guy.

You're not too busy for a cookie, are you?

Just put it in my mouth.

They no longer need to use the brains in their heads 'cause

they got one in their pockets.

People say there's an app... ...for everything.

Well, tell me, where's the app that can shake your hand?

Or say "God bless you" after you sneeze?

I'd like to see an app do that.

Call me

Willie off the pickle boat, but in my day,

an app was something you shared over fruity drinks

before dinner with your Bible study group!

Say that last part again.

Bible study group.

I say put down your not-so-smart phones and look me in the eye

because, if I want to stare at the top of people's heads,

I'll ride the glass elevator at the mall.

Don't get me started on those things.

This is Nathan Miller and that's what's on Miller's mind.

Okay. Let's see what we got.

So just jump right in?

Okay.

I always see a lot of pointing,

which is why I'm pointing right now.

You know what I'm saying?

Not sure why I just karate-kicked

'cause that could totally hit a kid.

Ooh.

Ooh.

What's this over here? I got a devil horn on this hand