Rooster

This way.

Oh. So sorry.

I... sorry.

I was looking at that guy.

- What guy? - He's not there, he was right...

- I don't know. - What'd he look like?

He was wet.

- He was a wet guy? - Mm-hmm.

Professor Shepard said to wait here in front of Cabot Hall.

Did she say how long to wait? Because I think we are supposed to start...

Ah, okay. I'll just stand here then.

- Nice mustache, jerk. - I can hear you.

Yeah, I know, I know.

- No, I didn't. I'm sorry, I... - Mr. Russo?

Yes. Greg, please.

Professor Shepard?

- Dylan. - Dylan. Right, right.

Hey, hey. Thank you, Eric.

Eric did a great job picking me up. He left.

You ready to rock and roll?

Nope.

Oh, yuck, there I am.

- I don't love these readings. I don't. - Yep, that's you.

I get so self-conscious, and I can't, I can't...

Oh, no, you can't read?

Oh, if you come to a big word, just sound it out.

I write books that you're supposed to read at the beach.

They are light, they are fun.

Characters that you like have sex,

the ones that you don't get shot in the face.

- What? - At a stuffy college like this,

these kids aren't looking for fun.

- They're looking for depth. - Hey. I teach a class

about the poetry of Bad Bunny. You'll be fine, okay?

What's a bad bunny?

- Let's do this. - Okay.

"Rooster didn't mean to shoot Eduardo in the face,

"but there it was.

"One perfect bullet hole right below his eye.

"That night, Rooster drifted to sleep in a beach chair.

"Luckily, the first thing he saw when he woke was Margo,

"smiling as she floated towards him

in the shimmering morning heat."

See? Wasn't so bad.

Okay, we have time for a few questions.

Okay. Ronni, go ahead.

Mr. Russo, first, I want to thank you for coming

- and giving us your time. - Oh, my pleasure.

- No, really, thank you. - Oh, thank you.

Appreciate it. What was your question?

Why do you hate women?

Wow, I don't... I... That's a fun way to start.

Easy answer. I don't hate women.

"Mango was Rooster's favorite flavor besides Margo herself."

So here, you're comparing the taste

of a woman's vagina to a Popsicle.

I did not know I was doing that.

Well, you also say that she "smelled like birthday cake."

What was your thought process when you wrote that?

I... I must have been hungry.

Here's the thing.

I don't see Margo as a sex object.

Yes, she and Rooster

- do have sex a few times... - Sixteen times.

Okay, good, you counted.

I mean, 17, if you include the oral sex.

Have to include that, right?

Yeah, let's include it.

For what it's worth, the character of Margo

is based on a woman I used to be married to.

So, yes, she is sexy and beautiful, but she is also smart and brave.

That feeds into my question.

You know the part where Margo saves Rooster from the drug smugglers?

Exactly, she's very brave in that moment.

Well, especially since she took off her bikini

and did it all topless.

Yes.

She had to make a tourniquet.

What was your question?

- That was hot. - Smokeshow.

Alright, great question. Anybody else?

Ronni, you've had your turn.

Hey, Cristle. Is he back?

He's here. He's very excited.

My gosh. I mean, my gosh.

Just outstanding.

- Oh. - Not sure if you've officially met

our president, Walter Mann.

I was already a fan,

but absolutely loved the way you handled that Ronni.

Well, I hope I didn't make her feel bad.

Ah, who cares?

Nobody makes these kids feel bad anymore.

Let me tell you something. Life is hard.

- And we are teaching these kids... - Hello.

Exactly squat.

- Hmm. - It's out of control, am I right?

Actually, I think it's refreshing that young people are...

Oh, thank you, Cristle. You're done.

Off you go. Please tell Dean Riggs

- I will meet him at the gym. - Fine.

Thank you for tolerating me.

We're not speaking.

- Bye, Greg! - She seems nice.

It's Crissle, yes? There's no T?

- There's a T. - There's a T.

- Oh. - Liberal arts colleges

used to be safe havens

for free thought, Greg.

When did you and I become the bad guys?

Amen. What?

Populism is not very popular here.

I mean, take Dylan. I love her,

but it's no surprise that she hasn't read any of your books.

- What are you doing? - It's okay.

I actually haven't read any of your poetry, either.

It's funny, in your emails, you said you loved Dylan's poetry.

I did. I do love them.

Read all of them. I just didn't wanna make her feel bad.

Ah.

Happy? You got us both.

Unintentional. Just Walt being Walt.

Dylan, to be continued.

Greg, you give me a ten count and then join me.

Yes, he wants you to count to ten and, no, I don't know why.

Okay.

I'm gonna read your books.

Oh, no. Don't worry about it.

Nice meeting you, Greg.

Nice you... me also.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Okay.

Oh, boy.

That was barely eight there, Greg.

Do you need another 10 or 20 count?

- May I guess what you're thinking? - I doubt it.

Most college presidents are bookish shut-ins,

but this guy's jacked.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

I would have also accepted, "Wow!"

You know my secret? Hot sauna, cold plunge,

every goddamn day.

You get the same endorphins you get from cocaine,

only it lasts two hours instead of nine minutes.

- Plus, come here. - Scoot closer?

It releases the brown fat.

Well, you gotta release the brown fat.

- I knew you'd get it. - I'm glad that you think that I do.

Listen, I would be a bad dad if I didn't ask how Katie was doing,

and I know that you probably have heard about her and Archie.

You go to any campus in America,

and no marriage between two faculty members

has ever lasted more than a year and a half.

I can't believe that is true.

Well, it may not be factually true, but the spirit of it is.

Now, what about you?

- You ever think about teaching? - Oh, me?

Oh, no. No.

Not really. I didn't go to college.

Who cares? It's overrated.

Real... Okay.

I'm still looking for my writer-in-residence.

You say the word, gig's yours.

- Well... - Don't answer now.

Come back and tell me your decision before you leave.

I want you to go out and let this campus get its magic all over you.

- All over me? - Yeah, baby.

In the meantime, I'm gonna go to the gym

and throw some metal around. You care to join?

No, thanks.

- I'm gonna go see my kid. - Ah, good dad.

You tell that Katie that if it took a campus sex scandal

to finally get her old man up here, worth it.

Probably not gonna tell her that.

Thank you. Okay. Alright.

- Hey, Greg. - Yes?

- Thrilled you're here. - Good to see you.

With his water lilies, Monet eschewed tradition

and focused on the surface of the pond

at his home in Giverny. Beautiful, right?

Hard to believe, but actually conservators...

restored that exact painting with Q-tips and spit.

- Ew. - Okay, you can take

that slightly disgusting tidbit and get outta here.

But there is a paper due on Monday.

But there's a K-party this weekend.

- What is a K-party? - You don't wanna know.

I don't wanna know, okay.

If you feel like you need extra time on your paper, that is my dad.

Interacting with strangers makes him very uncomfortable.

So, if you want extra time, look him in the eye

and tell him that you love him, okay?

No. Please don't do it.

- I love you very much. - Okay.

See you.

Do you know what brown fat is?

Dad, I love that you're here, but I don't need you

- to check up on me. - I'm not checking up on you.

They asked me to come and read.