Kidding

Previously on Kidding...

Go, go, go!

I found out what the P in "P-Hound" stands for.

Now every time I see the letter P,

I think of the word "pussy."

We are losing control of him.

We need versions of him we can control.

This is the drawer of letters from women.

This one's from Akron.

You know, it's only two hours away.

Give her a call. Buy her some cheesecake.

Married.

In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.

Aah!

speaking Spanish

speaking Spanish

This job is hard.

This job's the easiest shit I've done

my whole fucking life.

No, pickles make me sad now.

I see pickles, I see that dead Pickle boy

on the road.

I see his family suffering.

I see pickles, I see tears.

Why you fucking do that?

Now I see it, too.

Fuck, Sheila.

Ruining pickles and shit.

Fuck you, Sheila.

Murderer!

Thank you for a lovely evening.

Why do you feel guilty?

I like you.

I like Vivian.

I don't like having feelings for two people.

- It's selfish. - Don't feel bad.

I don't feel bad. I feel incredible.

I feel like I've discovered the South Pole.

I don't want you to feel bad.

I don't want to hurt you.

You're never gonna not be important to me.

You're never gonna not be important to me.

Well, I think it's great, too.

Just the other night, I was thinking to myself,

"Are there any ladies that I know

who would be a good match for Jeff?"

And... literally nobody came to mind.

Thanks, Giant P.

- I thought it was Big P. - Was it?

I'm not hurt. I'm not upset.

I'm offering you many...

blessings and much good luck here

on your new relationship.

Don't worry. It's just temporary.

It doesn't have to be temporary.

It does.

What does that mean?

[woman speaking indistinctly over PA]

Hello? Rex?

I have a piano question.

I see your car!

Are you gonna put it under your pillow this time

or hide it from the Tooth Fairy?

- I don't hide them. -

I lose them sometimes.

- Uh-huh. -

Hey, Dad.

I lost my tooth in my breakfast panini.

I'm not going to work today. I have the flu.

- It really sucks. - Where does it hurt?

Ugh, all over my body. I-I need to go to bed.

I need fluids.

I can't go to work today or tomorrow, maybe ever.

I do not want to be a corporate travel agent.

Why am I a corporate travel agent?

Are you crying?

It's the flu.

I'll make soup.

Actually, people are saying yogurt is the new soup.

I'm waiting for a text message.

Mm.

How much longer do you think we have?

- As a species? - Mm...

until the roof caves in.

- - Till there's no this anymore.

Until Jeff can't function as host or human.

It all depends on him.

Could be weeks. Could be months.

I can't predict the future, and I'm not good

at guessing weight from a distance,

but if you get close to him,

you can hear the air hissing out of the balloon.

And what do I do, then?

You're gonna be home alone all day

with your family--

that screaming banshee child--

and let's face it,

that marriage that has always had one foot

on a pile of red ants.

Fuck you, red ants! Scott's the love of my life.

And Maddy--she lost a tooth this morning,

and I was like, "Put it under your pillow,"

And I cannot wait to get home later

and find her tooth under her pillow.

Everybody wants to feel like they're a good parent.

Nobody wants to act like one.

Do me a favor

and picture your brother as a mascot

to your favorite Chinese softball team, huh?

Would he look like this?

That's traumatizing.

- He has a dick nose. - Yeah.

It's Jeff's head for the Ice Capades.

I outsourced it to Vietnam.

It's shitty. You can do better.

I can't replace Jeff with a Styrofoam head

and then look him in the eye over osso buco.

Welcome to the world of exciting internal conflict.

Build me a Jeff, please.

I know this is gonna come as a surprise to you,

but I'm not gonna be around much longer.

My father died at 68.

I'm on borrowed time.

I'd like all this to be yours someday.

Since when?

If not you, who?

But if we want to keep this shop open,

first, we need to build another Jeff...

on ice.

The original is out to sea.

I don't want to hurt anyone.

Hurt who?

Jill, Will... anyone.

I mean, this, for example.

What if a kid watched this,

put a barrel on, attached a bedsheet to it,

and tried to parachute over Niagara Falls?

Chances would not be good.

We've been using that same visually arresting sequence

to transition you from the real world

to Pickle Barrel Falls for 30 years.

And no child has ever tried this?

I promise you, we would've heard.

Mm.

Why are you questioning this now?

Shaina, from Akron.

We shared the cheesecake.

A moment from this show saved her life.

If that's true, one moment from this show

could take a life, if we're not careful.

It's a puppet show. It's not a cursed monkey paw.

- Do I have texts? - I don't know.

That's a cell phone that uses AA batteries.

You want to change something?

Upgrade your gizmos.

How'd things go with Shaina from Akron?

- We didn't really connect. - Oh, that's too bad.

I met someone else, though.

Really? On the same night?

Her name is Vivian.

I love that name. She sounds gorgeous.

- Now tell me about her. - She's younger than me.

That's fine, as long as she's not

selling Do-Si-Dos outside the Kroger.

- She has a lovely smile. - Aw, terrific.

And the doctors give her about six weeks.

Hmm.

Where you off to, Jimmy?

Pickle Barrel Falls.

Okay, honey, have fun.

Bye, Mom.

Here we go!

What are you trying to do, Ennui La Triste?

Because my tongue is cheese, I cannot whistle!

Quel fromage.

Come on, you stale breadstick.

Whistling is easy.

Mm, never mind.

Ennui, in my experience,

everyone has a little tune in their heart,

and if you listen closely,

it always finds a way out.

Now you try.