American Housewife

Taylor!

Get... out... of... bed.

Mom, go away.

No, it's 11:30.

Oh, my G...

This place is a dump.

- Hey, I wasn't done with that quesadilla. - No?

Enough moping around

because you hurt your stupid ankle

and can't play volleyball.

It's time to get on with your life.

I have no life to get on with.

"Oh, poor me.

I'm Taylor. I'm just so young and thin."

- Get your bony ass out of bed. - But...

Or I'm gonna throw the frozen wash cloth at you.

Not Señor Freezy!

Ugh. Stupid bag.

Hmm. Looks like I'm not the only one making a mess around here.

Don't make me cut you.

Mama, I need to start selling paintings

for my Paintings for Pandas school fundraiser.

Anna-Kat, you should have gotten started on this weeks ago.

It's due in two days.

I've had a lot going on.

There's been some crazy plot twists

on "Sofia the First."

Okay, listen up.

We're gonna call all your relatives

and ask them to buy a panda painting.

We'll start with Aunt Jean.

We're not getting anything out of her.

She gave me raisins for my birthday

in a baggy.

Anna-Kat, I'm your mother,

and I know how to get things done.

Call Aunt Jean.

First, I'm gonna look up some fact about pandas.

I mean, we all know they look like cuddly bandits,

but what do we really know?

That's the second daughter who isn't listening to me.

Don't they realize that without my strong hand guiding them,

they'd end up pregnant at 16

and running the front desk at Just Tires?

- Oh, son of a... - Language.

...bitch.

Sorry.

All obscenity requests must be submitted

at least half an hour in advance.

What's the matter?

I bought trash bags

from a different store than I normally do,

and they don't work.

Why didn't you get the ones we always get?

Because I went to Trader Joe's for your almonds

and then Stew Leonard's for your produce,

and then I was at Jeffers for Anna-Kat's special yogurts

when I remembered we needed trash bags,

but I didn't have time to make a Costco run,

so I bought Jeffers' trash bags, which are clearly defective.

That's why.

I'm always surprised at where just a simple question can take us.

These are going back.

It's not worth your time to return them.

That's what they're counting on.

They don't think that people will drive all the way back

to return a $4 box of trash bags.

But little do they know, my time is worth nothing.

Okay.

Welcome to Jeffers!

You call these bags a "Smart Buy," but they're not.

They're defective, and I'd like my money back.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This box has been opened.

- We can't issue a refund. - Okay.

You see, I wouldn't have known the bags were defective

had I not opened the box

and used several of the defective bags.

Oh, I'm sorry.

There's nothing I can do.

I can, however, alert you to a Smart Buy on aisle 14.

Tide Detergent, Clean and fresh for only $3.99.

Smart Buy!

I will not be seduced by another Smart Buy.

Give me my money back.

Okay.

Since you're a loyal customer,

- I'll exchange this box for another one. - Fine.

Do you have a receipt?

- You want a receipt? - Yeah.

Well, clear your afternoon, buddy,

'cause you and me,

we're gonna find this receipt together.

Oh. How'd it go?

The manager exchanged the bags,

and I finally cleaned out my purse.

I found a key to who knows what,

six Velamints, and Oliver's retainer.

We grounded him for losing that.

I accused him of lying and made him pay

for a replacement out of his save jar.

This dies with us.

Have you been on the couch all day?

I was watching that!

Yeah, she's gone all in on those Korean soap operas.

I need to find out if Yay-Sun

is going to marry that shipping magnate.

It is time for you to find your new calling.

Now, since there's been no motivation on your end,

I've jotted down some suggestions

of what could replace volleyball for you.

- Join the school paper. - No.

- Art class. - Not me.

- Photography. - Lame.

- You're lame. - She actually is lame,

on account of her ankle.

I-I don't understand why you're forcing me

to do something I don't want to do.

Because I know what's best.

So you have one minute to decide on another activity,

or I will decide it for you.

Katie, she may just need a little more time to think about it.

Greg, side bar.

Why the hell are you agreeing with her and not me?

Traditionally in a sidebar,

we would have a discreet conversation to the side.

Mom, I want Dad to help me out with this one.

You do?

Yeah. You're also my parent.

As a matter of fact, I am. Sure, I'll take this one.

Teenage daughter is a high level of difficulty.

- Yes. I live with her, too. - Okay.

But don't come running back to me

when she shoots down every one of your ideas.

Irish step dancing?

The doctor said I can't do any strenuous activity.

See? She's impossible!

Okay.

Let's call Aunt Jean and start selling your paintings.

No. Oliver said that calling people's not the way to save the most pandas.

Since when are you interested in anything Anna-Kat does?

Not now, not ever,

but whoever sells the most panda paintings

gets a GameStop gift card.

You only have two more days, so you're working with me.

Sorry, Oliver.

I have to do what the Colonel says.

The Colonel?

Did she just call me "The Colonel"?

What is that about?

Somebody speak!

You, who still needs bedtime stories.

Okay. Don't be mad.

Your full nickname is

Colonel Beatrice von Beige Underpants Control Freak.

I don't know where to start first.

Beige works under everything.

And I am not controlling.

You people just need to be told what to do.

Spoken like a true

Colonel Beatrice von Beige Underpants Control Freak.

Not cool, buddy.

If you all are so capable without me, fine.

Greg, you help Taylor.

Oliver, you handle Anna-Kat. I'm out.

But you'll all come running back,

and when you do, I'll give you my best condescending mom smile.

Oh, we hate that smile.

That's why I do it.

Ugh! These are defective, too!

I'd strangle that manager with one of these

if didn't think it would break!

You guys have a nickname for me?

- Super Dad! - Oh, that's nice.

Way to think on your feet.

How about the school gardening club?

Yeah, because I'm super into dirt.

- What are you guys doing? - Oh, just brainstorming.

- Figuring out my future. - Yeah, we're making progress.

Yeah. Dad hasn't yelled at me once.

Great. Good luck.

I'm staying out of your lives

because you all have it under control.

- Your screen's too bright. - It was fine the way it was.

Okay. Go blind.

Just know I've never seen

a pair of sunglasses look good on you.

Leave it.

Oh, Taylor,

the synchronized swim coach got back to me.

Technically, tryouts are over,

but there's one available spot on the team

if you want to meet with the coach.

I can't imagine there's anything but available spots.

I think you'd be great at it, and your physical therapist said

that water resistance is good for building up strength,

and this sport is very low impact.

Great, so I'll have a strong ankle and zero friends.

Look.

We're on the spot here with Mom.