Lopez

- Man, you were on tonight. - Right?

- That was funny. - Some great tags you wrote.

- Thanks, man. - You know, what I like about you

is that, uh, I don't like you that much.

- I feel the same. - But...

I'm not saying that I dislike you.

No need to explain. I already know.

- You're not needy. - No, I am not.

You know, even though I don't know that much about you,

it doesn't bother me.

You like it, and you don't want to know more.

Exactly. You know, you're not an onion

with like, uh, layers and layers.

You know, you... You're like a grape.

Like a seedless grape... just a tiny layer on the outside,

- and then that's it. - Well put. You don't need an onion.

I don't need an onion. Now, my ex-wife, she was an onion.

- You were married? - Oh, yeah, and two kids.

I didn't know... You know, I didn't know that.

And yet, here we are, right?

You just need to know my dates so that you can open for me.

Or not open for you.

You don't want to open for me?

Are you headlining? Who you touring with?

Nobody, but see, when I do a show with George Lopez...

Oh, okay, hang on, hang on,

You don't do a show with George Lopez, you open for...

Only half the people are there to see me.

Half? Maronzio, when you do a show for me, man,

- no one is there to see you. - But when I headline...

Oh, you're... Now you're headlining? Where?

Mostly in Orange County, two Sheratons

and the Beverly Garland in Studio City.

It's nice.

Lounges?

It's not lounges. They're meeting rooms.

I found a promoter to go all-in on my Double Down system.

- What's the Double Down system? - Basically what I did was, I quantify

all my motivational speeches into a can't-miss system

that will bring you greater wealth,

happiness, and personal satisfaction.

All you have to do is double down.

- Really? - Oh, this is for real.

First, I took an analytical look

at the most successful 12-step programs.

Probably went to an AA meeting, all right.

And I focused them into an 11-point system.

- That's just one less step. - Exactly.

My Double Down system is quicker and more efficient

and avoids copyright infringement issues.

I got rid of all that "apologizing to people" stuff.

Yeah, that can... That can take up a lot of time,

going to people's houses.

And do you know what you do when you're done

with my 11-step system?

Go to rehab?

Double down, George. You always double down on 11.

Yeah, okay, in blackjack, yes, but...

Exactly.

Now, you can double down in life.

And that's supposed to help people?

It's helping me already. This promoter told me

this could be my ticket off the road, George.

No more PJ make slappy happys.

Okay, well, that's what my residency show

- was supposed to do for us. - For sure.

I'm not bugging out.

I just need you to free up a few dates, that's all.

So you want me to adjust my schedule

so you can go doubling down in these hotels?

I can see you're not happy about this.

This will be a great thing

for you to get into your discomfort zone, George Lopez.

I don't... What does that mean?

I don't know yet. I think it's gonna be my follow-up system.

I think there's a flaw to his system.

See, even if I have 11, I don't double down against a king.

That's the flaw?

There's just something about that king staring at me,

especially when he has a knife in his head.

Okay, the flaw is that it's stupid.

And now I have to get Olly to rearrange some things.

This is the office of Olly Smith...

Hi, this is George...

Voice mail.

Yeah, this is George Lopez.

I got to move some dates around for Maronzio.

You know what? Every time I call Olly in the office,

I get a voice mail of her assistant, Tangene,

who says she's always away from her desk.

But Tangene is never at her desk.

And Tangene sounds a lot like Olly,

but with, like, a lower-pitched voice.

I don't think Olly has an assistant.

Check this out. Let me call back.

This is the office of Olly Smith.

We're away from our desks so please leave a message

for either Olly or me, her assistant, Tangene.

Yeah, that does sound like Olly.

- Ciao. - But with a weird accent.

Right? And every time we go to the office, Tangene's never there.

The fruit waters are there, but no Tangene.

Hey, as long as the fruit waters are there, does it really matter?

Yes, Manolo, it matters. This is business, okay?

You want to have a manager that's senior enough to have

an assistant, maybe two assistants.

But this...

But, okay, I guess you don't want to end up like MC Hammer.

- What? - Look, Arton is right.

You don't want to build a palace in a dump hole

that you can then never sell or even refinance.

Oh, but, Arton, San Fernando is no Oakland.

Oh, much worse, Oakland near Silicon Valley, huge upside.

I like the Raiders.

No kidding.

But imagine the San Fernando Raiders.

Why not?

- Yeah. - Exactly.

Come on, LA's getting pro football.

There's a lot of land, a lot of vacant land out here.

If they build a stadium out there, we can walk to games.

Ah, they gives jobs to big building company,

be two years late and over budget.

You know people? Can be built?

No, I don't know...

I don't know people. I mean we're just daydreaming.

I mean, let's build my house first,

and then we'll worry about that other stuff.

Ah.

Okay, first thing, I'll get the supplies delivered.

We need a fence to keep out the animals.

They steal everything in this area... oof!

Big fence.

Maybe electric.

By "animals" you mean animals, right?

Good one. You're funny man, funny man.

I got to get to work.

You know what? I don't know about this guy.

- Arton? - Yeah.

He's the best. He hits schedule and budget.

Well, I just thought, 'cause I'm Latino,

we're in a Latino area, that we would probably go more,

- you know, local. - Yeah, well, Arton is local.

Hell, he's about the only licensed contractor that will work here.

Look, we need a real ball-breaker.

And I find that Armenians and Israelis are the best.

There's just something about surviving a genocide

that seems to make for badass contractors.

Yeah, probably not worth the trade-off.

So is Arton Armenian or Israeli?

I'm not sure.

I think everybody's Mexican, so I don't know.

Hello?

George, are we really rescheduling dates

just for Maronzio?

You know what? Those dates aren't huge dates, okay?

So why don't you just give them to Tangene?

I'm sure she could figure it out.

Well, unfortunately, Tangene is not at her desk at the moment.

I don't know where that girl goes.

- But I do know. I'm in charge. - Ah, right.

Listen, maybe we don't want to move your dates, yeah?

I mean, maybe we use this as an opportunity

to find you a new opening act?

Okay, I told you, Maronzio opens for me.

Yes, and he's great, and I love him.

And I think he's so funny.

But he may not be helping you expand your base.

- With whites and Asians? - Yes, and the women.

Listen, Maronzio, through his own selfishness, I might add,

may have just given you the chance to try out some new openers.

- You know, mix it up a little bit. - I don't know.

It's not just about demographics, George,

I mean, maybe you could just do better, you know?

Hipper, cooler, more now... That's all I'm saying.

Well, I don't know about these new acts.

I mean, they're all kids, and they all act like jokes are,

you know, something to be ashamed of, like laughter's bad.

George, what if Maronzio decides he's done with you

right when the residency hangs in the balance?

I mean, what are you gonna do then?

- So who's gonna open for you? - I don't know.

Picking an opening act is a big decision.

Olly has a huge list of up-and-coming comedians

- that she wants me to see. - Sounds like fun.

Why don't you just go and see who makes you laugh the most?

- Well, if they're funny... - George Lopez.

Who in their right mind would let you judge what is funny?

Well, the entertainment industry, for one.

So does the opener have to be white?

- Well, no, but it's a... - Yeah, leave it to George Lopez

to turn his back on our community.

For once, why couldn't it be a Latino comedian?

I haven't seen José Jiménez for years.

Why not support him, you coconut mother?

José Jiménez is not a comedian.

You could not wipe the ass of his comedy.

José Jiménez is a character, okay?

Played by Bill Dana, a white guy.

Okay?