SMILF

_

Hey, Grandma?

My dad touched my vagina.

Love you too. Bye.

Good job.

You ready for your next call?

Yeah?

Hey, Aunt Mo.

My dad touched my vagina.

Yeah, I'd love to get tacos.

Hey, Coach Hughes?

Yeah, I've been practicing my jump shot.

Also, my dad touched my vagina.

Hi, Lizzie!

I'm excited for your birthday party too.

Lizzie's seven.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Having abuse victims tell their stories

is the best way for them to recover

- and lead a normal life. - No...

- no... - It's okay.

My dad touched my vagina.

Mm...

Wake up, Mom.

Mm...

Wake up, Mom!

I'm up. I'm up.

Guess what today is.

We get to move back home.

- Can I have a kiss? - Yes.

Muah!

Okay, let's get you dressed.

Hi, yes, this is Ms. Bird.

I'm calling from ACM. We are a collections agency.

I'm calling about your overdue payment

from May 2015 to a Brigham and Women's Hospital.

Yes, I know. It sucks.

You know, just get out there and live your life.

Don't worry about paying us.

Okay, bye.

Morning break, chica!

So what happened with the hair?

Oh, Larry, he-he broke into a tow yard,

so I had to climb in and crawl under this fence,

and then my hair got stuck on the fence

and I had to break it free with broken glass,

but then I found him sitting on a toilet.

Oh.

Well, should I do bangs, maybe?

- That'll help? - Get a lob.

- Lob, yeah. - What's a lob?

Well, everyone's getting them right now.

Khloé Kardashian, Kylie Jenner.

- "Lob"? - "Lob."

- Like... - It's like

"lob the ball." That's all you have to remember.

- Okay. - First, we're gonna

- take a profile picture. - Profile pic!

Okay, so maybe turn

your head to the right.

Yeah... turn to the right a little more.

- To the right. - It's just not...

I think it's the hair. Maybe you could put...

- Put your arm up. - arm, arm up.

Not like a sniff-the-pit thing.

Like how you would lean on a wall.

Yeah, that side. Okay, great!

Yeah, that's actually quite nice.

- Okay, cheese. - Look at that.

Okay, this is your Tinder profile.

- He's cute. - Quite fun though,

- isn't it? - Not cute.

- It's so fun... - No.

- No, yes... - No.

No.

No... no... no...

Sometimes it's good to even just

lower your standards a little bit.

- No... no... no. -

- no... - Why you say no?

- You say yes! - Look at him.

No.

- Yeah. - No, no, no.

Nope.

Me no like that one.

Nope.

Oh, my God.

No.

Oh, shit.

Dad?

Augusto, it's beautiful.

- Thank you. - Really.

I'm glad you like it.

Okay, Bridge, you're up.

- You know I love that. - You're up.

- Okay. Move. -

Okay. She's gonna love it.

I know, I know, I know.

- There you go. - Thanks.

Your hair looks the exact same, Mom.

No, you don't even know how different it feels, Bridgette.

Okay, so see, this is what happened.

I... got my hair stuck in a fence, and, um...

- - Ha-ha-ha.

Um, I just... I would like a "ball."

- A ball? - Yeah, a ball.

Like Khloé Kardashian. A ball.

Yeah mean a bowl?

That's what I said. A ball-a.

Well, that doesn't seem very you.

- Bridgette. - What?

Augusto is an artist. He knows what to do.

- - And be careful with her

because she's tender-headed.

MOM, QUESTION: does my dad still,

uh, live in South America? Or did he move back?

Oh, my God, there's a stain

on this Jaclyn Smith collection cruise wear.

- No there's not. - Yeah, I'm gonna go

throw this in the wash. I'll be right back.

Does this guy look like me?

- A little bit. - That's what I thought.

Sober living.

Let me stick to the rapping. Your shit corny, bro.

I know, man.

Fuck. Kitchen duty, yo.

Don't worry about that. Let's-let's finish.

Let's finish. Come on.

You missed check-in.

They gonna throw your ass out of here.

Fuck that. I'm too old to

be living in this dorm room anyway.

We both are.

Cut the bullshit, bro. Meet me downstairs.

I'll meet you down there.

- - Hi.

Sorry we're late.

It's okay.

What the fuck is your hair?

Oh, I got a ball. I promised him the tablet.

What is a ball?

Oh, you know, it's a ball cut. Do you like it?

That looks like a bowl cut to me, Bridge.

I wanted a ball to look like Khloé Kardashian.

No, you wanted a lob.

A lob... it's okay, though.

You think they can still turn it into a lob?

I think you should just let it grow back.

What's a bowl? Oh, a bowl is the bowl...

- A bowl. - Oh, it is a bowl.

So what's up with you? How's the new job?

It's pretty good. You know, making new friends,

and the boss likes me, and I matched my dad on Tinder.

- What? - Yeah.

I was like, "No, no, no, no, no,"

and boom, there he was.

It was crazy.

That is... that is crazy.

- Mm-hmm. - You've been looking

for your dad your whole life. What are you gonna do?

Um, I'm just gonna ignore it. I think.

'Cause, you know, everything's going so smoothly.

I don't wanna jinx it.

- - Are you okay?

Yeah, it's just so weird that it happened now.

- Yeah. - You know, 'cause I got

my new job, and this cool new haircut,

and I got my apartment back, and...

just, like... Everything's going so smoothly.

- Bridge. - What?

You need to talk? We can talk.

- What? No. - We can talk about whatever.

What are you doing that face for?

That therapist face.

I know a therapist face when I see it, and you're...

It's a concerned friend face.

I'm just gonna... you know, I'm feeling tired.

I meant to tell you this earlier.

You know you can just stay here. You can spend the night.

Yeah, you know what? I just gotta wake up early.

I'm just gonna go. I'm good.

Bridge, I made salad. Just stay.