Blue Mountain State

Win

Win

Win

How many of these we'll be doing, Harmon?

Is that little too much for you, Moran?

- Yeah, yeah, a bit - Really?

Hey, what do you think your value is to this team, heh?

- My value? - The answer is, you had no value, you're nothing.

You're an unmotivated pussy.

- Ok, just give it to me straight, coach. - Shut up

I got 20 busters breathing down my neck,

I've got a defence with more holes to fill than your mother

and my star running back decides he wants to play in Georgia

I don't need your shit right now

Georgia tech.

you know, your head was in the chopping blocks

after last year's ball loss in Louisiana.

Oh, you didn't know that, did ya?

I found a use for you this year.

- I brought in a new quarterback. - I heard about that.

This year, you're gonna earn you value by making sure he's happy.

As long as he's happy, and productive, you're gonna have a spot on this team.

When can I meet him?

Showtime, baby!

What's up, coatch?

Meet your new quarterback, Moran.

Who the hell is this guy?

No idea, man.

And why doesn't coach let the rest of us wear thongs to practice?

'cause when I get locked in,

Ooh, I'm, like, unstoppable.

I'm like a comet, an enigma. You know what I'm saying?

I think I do.

I hate him.

You're our quarterback, brobeans, not him.

Yeah, but desperate times, I guess.

He's all right.

He says he's never been injured,

Which is great for me. You get a quarterback--

This is my last year before I go pro.

I need to leave this school a champion.

We can't trust him.

Plus, you don't want a freshman starting over you.

Yes, I do. Thad, yes, I do. Hey.

...Every time, so--

hey, bay watch,

Why don't you go back to the locker room and put some real clothes on?

These are clothes, lurch.

anyway, like I was saying--

I'm sorry, what did you call me?

- Lurch-- from "the addams family." - harmon, harmon.

I'm sorry. Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm your team captain.

My team don't have a captain actually.

Really? Well, try this one on for size.

- Take a lap. - You take a lap.

You take a lap, or two!

If I take two laps, then I might as well run all the way home.

- Maybe you should. - No no no.

- That sounds like a wonderful idea. - Fine. Peace out, homie.

- Thad, thad, thad. - Peace out--

Peace out you too, homie.

- Whoa whoa whoa. - What's the problem, radon?

Man, I'm out. I quit this dumb school.

No no, nobody's quitting. It's just a misunderstanding. Thad's an idiot.

Man, this dude's trying to tell me I ain't dressed.

All right, just take a deep breath.

- Radon, look at me. - Look at him.

Whenever you have a problem, you just go see moran here,

Because he's your problem solver.

I get a problem solver?

Yes.

What's six times six?

36.

This guy's good. I'm back in, coach. Thanks.

So where did you play again?

'cause I couldn't find anything on you.

Oh, all over the place-- st. John's, st. Peter's,

St. Matthew's, st. Luke's, st. Patrick's.

Then when I went to high school, I moved around a lot--

St. Jean's, devotion prep, rikers, and now I'm here.

Wait wait, rikers? Like the prison?

Oh yeah yeah.

Do I have a surprise for you.

Sammy, this is radon. Radon, this is my best friend sammy.

What up, dawg?

One, two, three. Surprise!

What's up, alex?

Holy shit.

Mary jo.

- It's my sister. - I know.

- Hi. - What are you doing here?

It's a new day, alex. I came to drink and be a cheerleader.

That's good.

Oh, she's drinking. She's drinking.

Okay okay, that's enough.

Sammy, if I wanted a drunk telling me not to drink,

I'd still be living with dad.

Fair enough.

- I've changed, alex. - Yeah?

I used to not have boobs,

- And now I have them. - Oh my.

And the world's opened up to me in ways you can't even imagine.

Oh no, I think I can imagine pretty well.

Think about it-- me, you, sammy

Traveling to games together.

Staying in hotels, going to bars and drinking,

And then after going to parties,

- And then going back to the hotels and partying. - I like partying.

- Just like we used to talk about. - Yeah.

- We didn't talk about this. - Me and mary jo did.

Who is this?

Girls, I'd like you to meet your new cheerleader mary jo.

I grabbed her a uniform out of the locker room.

She's not a cheerleader unless we say she's a cheerleader.

Take that uniform off and get in line with the other freshmen.

- Okay. - Hold on, hold on.

She's my sister. She deserves a little respect.

- Oh! - Um, respect,

Like this uniform, is earned.

You guys seem like a couple of real cool sluts.

- Let's go, ladies. - Yeah!

Welcome to freshman hell week.

Your first assignment

Is to feel the upperclassmen's boobs

And guess their cup size.

If you're wrong, we spank you.

Yo, so this is free?

Like, we can just sit here and watch this, and we don't owe money?

No. Welcome to college, buddy.

- C. - Correct.

Okay okay. Hold on, hold on.

If she's getting hazed, I'm getting hazed too.

But you're not a freshman.

No no, mary jo and I come as a team.

You realize that if you don't complete the hazing,

You'll no longer be our mascot?

Yeah, I think I can handle it, kate.

Girls guess boob size.

- Ahh! - Guys guess dick length.

- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.

Aw, yeah.

Hard or soft?

- Hello. - Hey bill.

Marty daniels, blue mountain state. How are you doing?

Hey, marty. What can I do for you, pal?

Don't read anything into this,

But I'm just putting out some feelers.

You got anything open down in miami?

Openings? You mean for you?

Yeah, like I said, it's nothing big.

It's just we all gotta move on at some point,

And I'm just calling around.

Well, we don't have anything here right now,

But we might have a line job at the end of the year or something.

How desperate are you?

Who said I was desperate?

- You fall off the wagon again, marty? - You know what?

Why don't you just take your line coach position and shove it?

I wouldn't come down to miami if you paid me.

that's too bad, marty.

I was just about to make you a huge offer.

Hey, and how's your wife doing?

Oh, that's right, you don't know.

Hey, you keep debra out of this.

I'm gonna hang up now, marty.

Good luck this season, pal. You're gonna need it.

No no, wait wait. I'm gonna hang up on you.

You don't hang up on me. I'm gonna hang up on you.

I'm hanging up. And I hate tuna.

What?

What?

I don't have $500. I don't know what you're talking about.

Hey look, it's radon. Let me get it.

Let me just get it. It's radon.

Let me just get it, okay? Is that okay?

- Radon. - Yo, did yuri find you?

Don't listen to him, man. We don't owe him shit.

He's walking out of my room with my tv as we speak.

Yo, listen, I need you at my place now.

There are some serious problems that need solving, man.

Hurry up.

Radon?

oh my god.

- Get me out of here. - Holy shit.

What button do I press? There are so many buttons.

Press something.

Oh shit shit shit.

Oh god.

Oh thank god. Are you all right?

Whoo!

Holy shit, that sucked.

Yeah, but you got baked out of your mind though, right?

What is this thing? Do you sleep in this thing?

Man, I sleep in there, party in there.

I do whatever in there, baby.

It's my hyperbaric chamber, man.

You know what I'm saying? It gets your platelet levels going

And your hemoglobin and your d.N.A. And shit.

- T.O. Got one, man. - Oh.