In Living Color

Wanda has searched high and low for the father ofher baby.

- Has she finally looked low enough? -

Hey. Hello? Can you hear me?

Uh, look, anyway, Wild Thing, this is Wanda Wayne.

I met you down at the Chunky Monkey and that's where you picked me up.

Well, actually, I picked you up 'cause you know you was drunk and stuff...

and I "drug" you off and stuff.

You was so heavy. Look, come on and open up 'cause I got a wonderful surprise for you.

Did you know you was a daddy? You about to have birf. B-l-R-F.

So anyway, you need to open up and stuff. Don't be playin' hard to get and stuff.

Let me ask you somethin'. Why you change you name and stuff...

and got in the Witness Protection Program?

That wasn't even right. That wasn't right to do me like that.

All you had to do was own up to your responsibilities.

But I think it's real cute how you tryin' to play hard to get and all.

So I guess I'm gonna have to use one of my little Wanda tricks.

- - I really don't mean to do this, but just bill me.

HBO presents one of the hottest comedy specials of the year...

It's Sam Kinison... Live From Hell!

What's happenin', Hades?

Yeah, yeah, oh-oh!

Yeah!

You know, people keep asking me, Sam, what sucks...

what sucks about hell?

Well, I'll tell you. It's hot!

I mean, it's hot a lot! And it's not a dry heat, mister! No!

But I knew I was in hell...

when they piped Andrew Dice Clay into my dressing room!

But it's good to be back. It's nice to be here tonight in the Lee Atwater Room.

I don't know what you people are cheering about.

I'm not sure what's worse down here...

the food or the painful rectal spasms.

You get 'em about every four minutes! Here come another one now!

Oh, you love it, Elvis, you died on the toilet! Ow, ow!

Give me a Percodan, man.!

The other day, I ran into Liberace.

And he starts hassling me about my act... Liberace!

I said, at least I died like a man, not with one! Come on!

When they pulled me out of my car, there was liquor on my breath.

What was on yours, Libby? Huh? What was on yours?

Ow, ow!

Oh, you love it!

But you know what's weird about hell? Who's here and who isn't.

I mean, who thought Danny Thomas would be here, huh?

I got a little question for ya, where is Hitler?

Where's Hitler? He killed six million people!

You think you might run into him somewhere!

The snack bar, the Lake of Fire, I don't know, where's Hitler?

Yeah!

My favorite man down here, of course, the Big Man himself, Satan.

That's right. Satan. We used to call him "Prince"...

"Prince of Darkness..." till he changed his name to a symbol!

You know he did it to meet chicks. He's a loser, he's a loser!

No, I'm just kidding ya, man.

He's here tonight, my man Satan, give it up for him!

- - Yeah.!

You've been a great crowd, I'm here through eternity.! See ya later, hell.! Yeah.!

Hi! I'm Susie, your AT&T operator, here to tell you about a new plan...

that can save you money on all those long distance phone calls you make...

to that special someone who's never out of your thoughts.

Uh, Hey, my name Tiny.

I used to have real big phone bill, but with AT&T Frequent Caller Plan...

I can save as much as 50% on the calls I make to this here woman...

who's so sexy, she make me...

- - Hello?

Uh, uh... Is this Miss Ryerson?

Yes. Who is this?

Uh, uh... Do you have big "breast-es-es"?

I told you to stop calling me!

No, wait, hold up Miss Lady, hold up! Uh, uh...

Do you have real, real, real big breast-es-es?

With AT&T Frequent Caller Plan...

you'll save so much, you'll find yourself calling over and over...

and over and over again!

Hello, I'm calling from the American Bra Association.

What do you want?

This is a matter of national security, ma'am. What size bra do you wear?

- A 36 D. Why? - Ooh. Ooh.

Then you must have real big breast-es-es! L-I wanna touch 'em!

Remember, the more you call, the more you'll save!

The number you have dialed has been disconnected! Gimme the phone, man!

Man, I gotta make more calls, little man! Hey!

I gotta have those big, bouncy, breast-es-es! I want those breast-es-es!

AT&T Frequent Caller Plan.

Now you can be obsessed by the one you love...

not by your phone bill!

But I tell you what. But I tell you what.

I got somethin' to show you. If you think this is hot, wait till you get a load of me.

I hope you got enough fuel for my bikini wax later on...

'cause I tell you what, we gonna weld each other together.

Wax! Flame on! I'll rock yo' world.

Hello, everyone. Why don't we all sit down?

Uh, first of all, welcome to group therapy.

Now, some of you, I have had as individual patients...

but I really felt that, um...

we'll be able to progress a little faster as a group...

provided we create an atmosphere of trust...

sensitivity, and honest communication.

So, who'd like to start off first?

- Frank? - Um, this is kind of hard for me.

It's okay, Frank, you're among friends.

Well, doctor, uh, yeah... I think I might be gay.

You... think you might be?

That's a understatement, that's the understatement of the year!

You think you might be gay?

No, no, don't be ridiculous, Frank, I guess...

a lot of straight men like to wake up staring at another man's...

pimply, sagging buttocks right in their face.

Well, Doctor, I don't appreciate your sarcasm.

Okay, well, here's a quick pop quiz. Who won the Super Bowl last year?

- What's a Super Bowl? - Mm-hmm.

- How manyJudy Garland records do you have? - Twenty-seven!

Bingo! Get out of my face, you sissy!

Doctor, that was wrong, what you said to Frank.

Oh, I'm sorry Marianne, I was just confronting him...

so that he could realize how gay he really is.

Listen. Anyway, while we're talking about it, come on up.

I want to do a little anger exercise with you, since you're obviously very angry.

- But I'm not angry. - Yes, you are.

Now, I want you to hit this pillow and say, "I am angry."

- I am angry. - See, does that feet better?

No, because I wasn't angry.

- -

- - Oh, come on, don't tell me...

that your pimp daddy never hit you upside your head...

when you were selling your body for crack!

l-I thought I told you that in confidence!

Well, you thought wrong.

You know what? You people are so selfish.

"I thought I told you that in confidence!" "Yeah, I think I might be gay."

You're always complaining when there are people here in legitimate pain.

Like Paula, for instance. Paula suffered a loss. Paula?

Umm, my husband was in a car accident...

and I'm still feeling a lot of pain over what happened.

And, well, who would not feel pain...

after they watched their very own husband...

get smashed by a runaway truck going 90 miles an hour.

And I saw it happen.

It was right outside this office. I mean, he really went flying.

- Bang! -