What We Do in the Shadows

Our home has been selected to host

the bi-annual vampire orgy.

One time they tried going triannual.

Which is bloody pointless, 'cause it takes me

at least six months to recover from any orgy.

Yes, it does.

We're gonna have some fun.

Vampire sex is like pizza,

in that even when it's bad it's good.

It's designed to be enjoyed by eight or more people.

There's a choice of toppings.

And in the morning, you're like,

"Aah! Why do I have puncture wounds

on my penis?"

Vampire sex is a carnival of desires.

With pale bodies as far as the eye can see.

Fornicating, diddling, widdling, snarling.

An amazing experience that can last years.

It's fine.

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

- So we need the blood fountain. - Okay, blood fountain.

And some real, pure opium. About ten kilos.

Where would I find that?

We need some sexy paintings for the walls.

I was thinking we replace this picture of us

with that lovely one where we were naked

- and we have cherries in our bums. - Yeah.

Can we get some sort of protective spray

to put all over the carpet?

Because Laszlo will spray all over the carpet.

What you don't understand is

the stigma attached to throwing a poor orgy.

I mean, I've known people who have committed suicide

after a poor orgy.

I wouldn't go that far.

I would kill you, though.

And then I'd kill myself.

There's no recovery from that humiliation.

I don't like to even speak of it, but the notorious orgy

- of 1937, well... - No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't even say the year.

It was a lot of just very terrible chitchat.

I cannot even speak the name of the vampire

that organized that monstrosity.

I don't give a fuck. His name was Mike.

Fucking Mike.

Oh, and we need an ancient Burmese lingam and yoni set.

To be safe, get six.

Nadja, Laszlo, please.

Guillermo is my familiar,

only I can order him about.

Thank you, master.

Is there anything you need?

All the things they just said.

And absorbent towels. Lots of them.

I almost forgot.

Most important, we must, must, must

get a succulent virgin feast.

Well, about that... I've been meaning to tell you,

I seem to have, uh, overfished that...

- Did you write down the towels? - Yes.

You need to re-cover that chaise longue.

'Cause I'll ejaculate straight through that.

My only concern about the orgy is, uh,

that people won't enjoy my room.

I've n-I've never had anyone in here.

I have a strobe light up.

And a couple speakers playing, uh,

some acid jazz.

What else? I have my, uh,

my trusty filing cabinet.

I always wanted one of these

when I was a child but never got one.

It was one of my first purchases.

I also stocked up on some Neosporin.

I have some paintings, some pictures.

I got this one because it shows human food,

and if I ever have a human in here,

they'll feel at home.

Uh, I found it at a Holiday Inn.

I-I'm-I'm really getting into it.

Obviously, the orgy standard

of having a mirrored ceiling

doesn't really work for vampires,

so we have developed our own way.

I don't... I... I don't know what you want me to say.

Just describe what you see.

Um...

Well, it's a beautiful scene. Someone is seductively riding,

uh, a candlestick up and down.

Someone's on the couch sucking and getting sucked.

- Louder! - Sucking and... Oh, geez...

No. I will not

be participating in the orgy, no.

Besides, I-I don't, uh, I don't kiss and tell.

But I can tell you, is that, uh...

I don't kiss.

We need specifics.

What am I doing to my ass cheeks?

You are, uh, you're licking it...

Can you just describe what you see? It's not hard.

- Good boy, that's right. - Must be my birthday.

- I can't. I'm sorry. - I was raised very Catholic.

- I need... I need a second. - Okay.

- En garde, there. - It's just a lot of demanding things.

I mean, I'm not even, technically, their familiar.

They've just been asking me to do all kinds of stuff.

It's a pleasure swing, you fucknut, not a sex net.

That's the sex net. Get that out of the box

- and attach it to the ceiling. - "Gizmo,

get the dildos."

"Gizmo, try out the dildos."

"Mmm. How were the dildos?"

They're fine.

No one is a fucknut, okay?

He's trying to finish it, Laszlo.

And what about the virgins? Have you got any yet? No.

- Of course you haven't. - Um, but I'm just trying...

"But, but, but." You're like a nonstop but machine.

That reminds me, have you ordered

- the nonstop butt machine? - You know what?!

I'm gonna take five minutes

before I say something I'm gonna regret.

- Oh! - Easy there.

Eh... Slam the door.

You gonna let him get away with that?

He's gone, he's gotten away with it.

And it is unacceptable.

I will talk to him.

- Knock, knock. - Oh. Good evening, master.

- Is there something you need? - No, no.

Just coming in for a chat.

I noticed that Nadja and Laszlo

have been quite pushy with you with all the orgy planning.

- Oh, it's okay, it's not a big deal, master. - No, it is a big deal.

And they locked you in this closet?

This is my room.

I pay $1,200 a month.

Oh.

If I find I am in a situation

where an idiot is complaining to me,

you can either kill them

or you can pretend to listening to them.

So what you're saying is that

your feelings have been hurt.

Well, kinda.

Talk about that.

Oh, okay. Um... Well,

- I just feel that sometimes... - Yes, yes.

I feel that I have... People aren't listening to me

- when I speak. - Yes, yes, tell me more.

And they just tell me "yes," and they don't really listen

- to what I'm saying. - Yes. Really speak from the heart.

When I speak from the heart, I feel like no one's really...

And now that bit is done.

Orgy stuff. A few of my favorite things, as they say.

The cat o' nine tails.

Oliver Cromwell's head.

My codpiece. Bat codpiece.

200-year-old peekaboo cape,

the idea being you walk into the orgy,

you announce yourself... and then do that.

Oh!

Oh, yes!

You wait till my good lady wife sees this.

In the late 1800s,

a new and exciting medium was invented,

and that medium was called "cinema."

And then, about a week later,

that developed into pornos.

Now, the first porno film I ever made

was called The Adventures of a Very Randy Vampire.

And I played the leading role

of the very randy vampire.

I was cast because they thought

that I looked like a vampire,

never once realizing

that I was a fucking vampire.

I took part in thousands

of pornos over the years.

If you see them now,

they are still very, very erotic.

My darling, I have found something

that will have our orgy talked about for centuries.

Just put it on the pile, Laszlo.

All right there, Constantin?

Ooh.

- Oops. - What is that?

I really have no idea.

Perhaps we should watch it.

You don't like the Christmas section?

- Don't say that word. - Sorry.

We are still looking for virgins, yes,

but my master thought it'd be best to get decorations first,

which makes sense, because, uh...

Well, it just... It makes sense.

So, for this chocolate fountain,

you can put other stuff, I'm assuming...

- I mean... - that's thicker than chocolate?

What's thicker than chocolate?