Excuse Me for Living

* YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ALL THE LOVE YOU'VE TAKEN *

* SLEEPIN' ON A RAZOR

* THERE'S NOWHERE LEFT TO FALL *

* YOUR BODY'S ACHIN', EVERY BONE IS BREAKIN' *

* NOTHING SEEMS TO SHAKE IT, IT JUST KEEPS HOLDIN' ON *

* AH AH AH AH-AH

* AH AH AH AH AH AH-AH *

* AH AH AH-AH AH AH AH-AH *

* AH AH AH-AH AH AH AH AH-AH *

* YOUR SOUL IS ABLE, DEATH IS ALL YOU CRADLE *

* SLEEPIN' ON THE NAILS, THERE'S NOWHERE LEFT TO FALL *

* YOU HAVE ADMIRED, EVERY MAN DESIRES *

* EVERYONE IS KING...

OH!

LET GO OF ME.

CAN'T DO THAT, SONNY BOY.

I AM NOT YOUR BOY,

AND YOU KINDLY WILL LET GO, GODDAMN IT!

WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, FOR CHRIST SAKE!

THIS IS REAL ARMANI. MY FATHER WILL SUE YOUR ASS!

I DON'T CARE IF MARY, MOTHER OF GOD, WEAVED IT HERSELF.

YOU ARE NOT KILLING YOURSELF ON MY BEAT.

I WAS SIMPLY TAKING A LEISURELY STROLL

TO VISIT MY POETRY PROFESSOR

IN HOBOKEN, YOUR HONOR,

WHEN THIS VERY LARGE POLICEMAN ACCOSTS ME

FROM NOWHERE,

APPLIES A NO DOUBT STEROIDS-INDUCED THRASHING,

AND CONJURES WHAT'S PROBABLY A $150 TAILORING REPAIR JOB

ON MY BILL BLASS.

HE CLAIMED IT WAS ARMANI.

- SCREW THE COUTURE. - CO-WHO?

BLESS YOU, OFFICER FRANKLIN.

AND OVERALL, I MIGHT SAY, JUDGE...

KAMEL. - NO. KARMEL.

YES, KARAMEL.

THIS VERY LARGE GENTLEMAN,

AND SUPPOSED PROTECTOR OF THE COURT,

PROVED HIMSELF TO BE EXTREMELY INHOSPITABLE.

NEVERTHELESS, IN THE SPIRIT OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON,

I'M WILLING TO DROP ALL CHARGES AGAINST HIM IF YOU'LL JUST KINDLY--

WHAT, REMOVE THE HANDCUFFS?

AND MAY 16th IS NOT TYPICALLY THOUGHT OF

AS A WINTER HOLIDAY.

YOU'RE GETTING TO BE A REGULAR HERE, DANIEL TOPLER.

IT'S UNUSUAL TO SEE EVEN YOUNG DRUG ADDICTS LIKE YOU HERE

THREE TIMES A MONTH.

YELLOW WALLS DO NOTHING FOR THE DECOR.

- WHY ARE THE LIGHTS SO DIM? - TOPLER!

ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?

SEND HIM BACK TO THE REHAB CLINIC AGAIN.

AND GET SOMEONE TO WIPE UP THAT DROOL, OFFICER FRANKLIN.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN, I PRESUME.

I'M DR. JACOB Q. BERNSTEIN.

AND I'M FELIX THE CAT. MEOW.

LET ME OUTTA HERE,

OR I WILL KICK YOUR 2,000-YEAR-OLD ASS

FROM HERE TO KINGDOM COME.

FUCK!!

OH, I MUST SAY,

YOU DON'T LOOK SO HOT YOURSELF, DR. BERNAISE.

- BERNSTEIN. - YES, BERN-STINE.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND WE'LL CHAT A WHILE. I COULD USE THE COMPANY.

BUT FIRST, WOULD YOU MIND SCRATCHING MY NOSE?

SOME FLY PROBABLY SENT BY A RIGHT-WING NEO-NAZI

LUFTWAFFE HAS BEEN DIVE-BOMBING ME.

A LITTLE TO THE LEFT.

AH!

YOU ARE A HEALER.

AS A CSN&Y SONG GOES,

"I'M NOT FEELING UP TO PAR."

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD CUT MY HAIR,

BECAUSE I ALMOST DID BEFORE I JUMPED OVER MARTHA.

THE BRIDGE, THAT IS.

LINDA.

OH. OH, NO.

OH, YES.

OOH. OOH-OOH.

HELP.

SAVE ME, PLEASE.

GOOD MORNING!

GOOD MORNING, DANIEL!

HURRY UP FOR BREAKFAST.

THE VOLLEYBALL TOURNAMENT STARTS SOON.

I'LL HAVE WHIPPED CREAM LICKED OFF YOUR BREASTS.

I'M NOT ON THE MENU, DANIEL.

WHY SCREW MY OLD MAN

WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A YOUNG STUD LIKE ME, ELAINE?

WELL, I SEE YOU'RE VERY MUCH AT HOME HERE, DANIEL.

DR. BERNSTEIN.

WHAT DAY IS THIS?

SATURDAY, 9:00 A.M.

YOU HAD QUITE A NAP.

I SEE YOUR FATHER'S MILLIONS HAVE FURNISHED THE ROOM

FROM YOUR MANHATTAN LOFT.

HM. HAVE YOU READ THIS?

ANYONE WHO'S EVER TAKEN PSYCHOLOGY 101

HAS READ CARL ROGERS' SEMINAL WORK ON BECOMING A PERSON.

ALAS, THERE'S NO TIME FOR NICETIES.

GOTTA BE GOING. TA-TA FOR NOW,

BUT DUTY CALLS.

WHEN ONE'S PRESIDENT BEGS ONE TO SERVE ONE'S COUNTRY,

CAN ONE REFUSE?

IT'S HUSH-HUSH.

TOP SECRET AND ON THE Q.T.

SOMETHING ABOUT A SCROFULOUS TORSO

LEVITATING FROM KIM SONG'S TOMB.

YOU JUST CAN'T TRUST THOSE BASTARD KOREAN DICTATORS TO STAY DEAD.

WHERE ARE THE STANDARDS, ANYHOW?

BY THE WAY, DID MY DAD HAVE MY CAR BROUGHT AROUND YET?

SHALL I CALL LINDA AGAIN?

NO. THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

CAN WE TALK?

OKAY, DOC. SIT DOWN. TAKE A LOAD OFF.

SURE, LET'S BE PALS,

BUT IT DEPENDS.

IT DEPENDS, HUH? ON WHAT?

ON JUST WHAT KIND OF HEADSHRINKER YOU ARE.

MY OWN PREFERENCE LEANS HEAVILY TOWARDS THE DRUGGIES.

PSYCHO-PHARMACOLOGISTS, YOU MEAN.

I LOVE THE GREEN PILLS, BUT YELLOW WORKS FOR ME

IF IT WORKS FOR YOU.

THE YELLOWS WORK FOR YOU, HUH?

OH, I FEEL A ROGERIAN COMING ON.

CARL ROGERS HELPED MANY, MANY PEOPLE.

NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT PUSHING DRUGS,

I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT BE

MY SECOND-FAVORITE KIND OF VOODOO DOCTOR.

YOU OKAY?

UH, YEAH.

DOC?

WHOA!

- THANK YOU. - YEAH.

I WANNA TELL YOU ABOUT A DISCUSSION I LEAD.

OH, MAN, OH, MAN.

HERE WE GO WITH THE GROUP THERAPY.

IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO ONE MORE SAD SACK

TELL ME THE PITIFUL STORY OF HIS LIFE,

I WILL LOSE MY MIND.

FORGET ABOUT IT, DOC.

NO, NO, NO. IT'S NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.

THIS IS A BUNCH OF MEN JUST GETTING TOGETHER TO KIBBUTZ.

WHAT'S THE CATCH?

A SCHMOOZE WITH YOUR STIFFS, AND THEN I'M OUTTA HERE?

NOT PRECISELY.

JUST GET TOGETHER A FEW TIMES.

A FEW TIMES?

- YES, MORE OR LESS. - MORE OR LESS?!

SIT DOWN!

NOW, LISTEN TO ME, YOUNG MAN. LISTEN UP CLOSELY.

IF YOU EVER WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE,

YOU SHOULD TAKE MY OFFER. YOU UNDERSTAND?

ALL RIGHT.

GOOD.

NOW I'D LIKE YOU TO JOIN IN A DISCUSSION

WITH MY SENIOR MEN'S GROUP.

YOU ARE KIDDING, AREN'T YOU?

WE MEET AT TEMPLE B'NAI ISRAEL.

BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO COME BACK HERE WHEN YOU'RE NOT AT THE MEETINGS.

A TEMPLE MEN'S GROUP

FOR DYING PEOPLE.

THIS REALLY IS RICH.

A LOT OF US ARE NOT QUITE AS DEAD AS YOU MAY THINK.

WHEN I CALL MY DAD,

HE WILL HAVE ME OUT OF HERE IN A NANO-SECOND.

FUN TIME IS OVER.

THE COURT PUT YOU IN MY CUSTODY.

BESIDES, YOUR FATHER THINKS IT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.

WELL?

I'M JUST GIVING YOUR PROPOSAL

THE UTMOST CAREFUL CONSIDERATION. NO.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE BACK IN A MONTH TO SEE IF YOU'VE RECONSIDERED.

LINDA, JOE.

PUT YOUR HAND IN THERE.

Daniel: LINDA.

OKAY.

OKAY, THIS IS BLACKMAIL!

I WILL ATTEND YOUR MUMMIFIED DECAFFEINATED KAFFEE KLATSCH.

FINE.

GOOD CHOICE.

SO SHOULD I BRING MY OWN DENTURES,

OR DO YOU PASS ONE SET AROUND FOR EVERYONE?

TOMORROW, 8:00 P.M., YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN CAR.

NURSE LINDA WILL GIVE YOU A PRESCRIPTION TO HELP YOU SLEEP,

AND AN ANTI-ABUSE PILL. DO NOT...

I REPEAT, DO NOT USE ANY DRUGS OR ALCOHOL HERE,

OR YOU WILL REALLY FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DYING.

- ( dialing phone ) - ( line ringing )

- HELLO. - DAD.

I'M BACK HERE AT THE LIVE FREE OR DIE CLINIC.

YES, I KNOW.

- YOU KNOW THAT? - THEY CALLED ME.

WELL, I'M GLAD TO GET A HOLD OF YOU.

THAT'S A CHANGE.

NO, REALLY. I'M HAPPY TO CHAT WITH YOU.

IN FACT, THE FUNNIEST THING JUST HAPPENED.

THIS SHRINK SAID I'VE GOT TO ATTEND

SOME ALTA KOCKER DISCUSSION GROUP.

ISN'T THAT A YUK AND A HALF?

I THINK IT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA, DANIEL.