Life of the Party

Hey! Hi, there!

Oh, boy, look at this.

Ah. (SIGHS)

Pretty as ever. Ha!

Oh, exciting!

Ohh...

Did you pack your bowling ball collection in here?

Oh, my God! He's in a good mood.

Who do I love, huh? Who do I love? You know I love you.

Yeah, I love you, too, Mom.

Senior year, huh? I mean, this is the one.

They're all important but, boy, this is the one

that really takes you to the finish line. What do I always tell you?

- I got this. - You got this.

Tell you what I won't miss... paying 28 grand a year.

- Oh. - Dad!

Don't listen to him.

He just likes to squeeze the coin purse.

I just love it here.

I love being back at our alma mater, right, honey?

Well, technically, it's my alma mater. You didn't graduate.

He loves it.

Oh, boy, here come the waterworks.

- Mom! - You know what?

I think I just need some cheese or something. I'm a little snackish.

- (CHUCKLES) - Okay, traffic. We got traffic.

- Aww. - Okay. Okay.

All right. We're gonna release, okay?

You're a remarkable young lady.

And my love for you is very, very fierce.

What? I'm only 22 minutes away!

That's 22 minutes too far for me.

Have so much fun in Italy, guys. It's gonna be amazing.

Arrivederci! That's Italian.

- Have fun. - Thanks.

Save your receipts. Just kidding, but save 'em.

Okay.

- Hatchback. - Oh.

Yup. Oh, boy.

- Ciao, honey! - (HORN TOOTS)

Ciao!

We're both fluent. I'm coming, Dan.

Beep beep yourself, mister.

Somebody trying to get me in the car all to himself, huh?

Oh, boy. Four weeks in Italy. Mm?

Are you ready? I'm ready.

I've always enjoyed our staycations

but I think I'm ready for a little gondola ride with my fella.

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

I wanna see our girl go in.

Oh-ho, look at that!

Oh-ho-ho!

I want a divorce.

- What? - I want a divorce.

God, it feels good to say that out loud.

I wanna be completely transparent with you, Deanna.

I am in love with someone else.

Who are you in love with?

Marcie.

Marcie Strong.

The realtor?

The one on the bus benches?

She's also on a series of small billboards downtown

and she has a pretty respectable social media following.

Oh, my God!

- Don't... Please... - Don't touch me!

- Stay in the car, please. - I'm gonna be sick!

Look, I know this seems mean but I'm doing it to facilitate a clean break.

Like ripping a Band-Aid off quickly. This is better for you.

Don't you dare tell me that this is better for me.

Also in the interests of complete transparency,

I'm gonna sell the house.

You can't do that. That's not how it works.

Marcie already started the paperwork and it's all in my name.

Stop it! This is a lease. We still have ten months' payments.

- Stop it, please! - I don't care if it's a lease.

Please, get back in the car.

Oh, that's gonna cost.

We'll talk about this later.

Just go, Dan.

Now I gotta use Waze.

23 years of marriage, just down the tubes.

I mean, can you believe that?

No. I'm just... I'm so disappointed in Dan.

And what's Maddie gonna do? I mean, you've gotta cancel the trip to Italy.

You know, I honest to God... I didn't see it coming.

You always hear that but I didn't see it coming.

Let me tell you this, Dan doesn't deserve you.

You're such a great lady, Deanna.

Thank you. That's very nice of you.

This is it. My parents' house is just up here on the right.

Thanks, Dale. And, uh...

From the bottom of my heart...

I'm gonna give you a great Uber review.

Well, I hope your day gets better, Deanna.

I'm sure it will.

Can I make you a sandwich?

No, thanks, Mom. I'm just... I'm not hungry.

What about a tuna salad sandwich or egg salad?

- You like egg salad. - I do like egg salad.

But, I promise you, I'll let you know, but I'm really not hungry right now.

Well, at least... at least Marcie is attractive.

- Mike! - Dad! Oh, my God!

What did I say? I mean, it'd be even worse if she was homely.

- No! No, it would not! - Yeah, Okay, well, you know what?

That Dan, no good.

I knew that the first time he tried to make you drop out of college.

What kind of man makes his pregnant wife drop out of college with one year to go?

Mike, lower your voice.

You're upsetting Razzles.

I'm sorry, Razzy.

He didn't make me drop out of school.

Dan and I decided that together. We were having a baby!

We needed to save money.

We could only afford one of us to finish school

and he thought it was more important that he went.

- Okay. - okay?

I was always supposed to go back. It just never happened.

You were just so close to graduating.

I think it just kind of sticks in his craw.

- Yeah, it just sticks in my craw a bit. - Yeah.

I've got an idea, honey.

What about a ham sandwich?

Sandy, she doesn't want a ham sandwich.

But she likes ham, Mike.

Of course she likes ham. Everybody likes ham!

But the point is that she's too upset to eat!

You know what's upsetting me? It's that my marriage has collapsed

and you two keep screaming about ham!

- I'm not screaming about ham. - You are screaming about ham!

- Yeah, stop it! - You think I'm screaming about ham?

Right now, your voice is going up with "ham"!

Fine! I'm screaming about ham! I can't help it!

I'm up on the roof there! I'm blowing through the roof!

I feel like... like I'm gonna blow like a hot water heater!

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go right now.

I'm making everyone a sandwich.

Mom, am I the only one that didn't see it coming?

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna shoot Dan.

- Mike. - Yeah!

Put the gun down. You are not shooting Dan.

Dad, stop waving that gun around.

- I know exactly what I'm gonna do. - (GUNSHOT)

- (BARKS) - Oh, my gosh! You almost hit Razzles!

Michael, you put a hole in the stairs!

Oh, shit!

You know what? Dan's fault!

This was Dan's fault.

Ow! Shit!

Whoa! Whoa!

You can't call this racquetball.

That's a disgrace to the game.

You know what? I know I fought you on it

but thank you for getting me out of the house.

Come on. What do you think best friends are for?

Hey! Hey!

Excuse me, there's no alcohol on the courts.

Oh, suck it, Eugene!

Go easy on the kid, huh?

You know what? How many of those have you had?

- I had three on the way over here. - Yeah.

I made Frank drive me.

- You've had four here. You've had seven? - I've had seven.

What are we supposed to do, wait around here all day?

Okay, let's just show them how it's done, okay?

Ohh!

- Oh, my God! - I'm sorry.

- Right in the lady business. - (MEN LAUGHS)

It's not funny!

- Shut up! - It's not funny.

- Oh, my! Oh, that's like a pain. - I'm really sorry.

I think I was thinking about Dan's face or maybe... his crotchal area.