A Raunchy Christmas Story

- Welcome back and a big thanks to DJ Big Tony

for playing his hits.

I'm your host Becks, it's the title of the show

and also my name.

So Dave before the break we were discussing your

impressive career as a stand up comedian, philanthropist,

ladies man.

Well I am very blessed Becks,

not everyone is born with the raw talent

and the bewildering feral good looks like me.

- So Dave, in your autobiography, The Four Pillars of Comedy

the Dave McGinty Story,

you not only touch on the deep affect humor has

to the human brain

but also your double life as a spy for the US government?

Hey now, that's top secret Becks.

- You have a chapter entitled Martinis, Bullets and Broads,

My Life as a Spy for the US Government.

Well you got me on that one.

Dave!

Well there lady killer,

can't even keep the fan girls away.

- Wanna take me out for drinks and hot wings?

- Well, actually my lady, I have a girlfriend.

I'm in the mood for mozzarella sticks.

Uh okay.

So tell me Dave, why comedy?

- Well Becks, you know, we think that comedy is all about

having a laugh, couple jokes here and there,

but the job of a comic, it's really,

it's really about the stability of an entire society

and really when you get down to it,

it's all that I'm, it's all that I'm good at.

And you are good at it.

Well, yeah, yeah of course.

- So tell me Dave when was the last time you had sex?

Excuse me?

What is going on?

No, no, no.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my, oh.

Oh, those are cute though.

Hello?

- Dave it's me Becks, where are you?

What? Becks?

- You were supposed to be at the club an hour ago.

But I've been stalling Byron I can only save him

in the bathroom for so long so if he asks

our story is you gorged yourself on Applebee's street tacos

last night, get here as soon as possible

and try to look a little dehydrated.

Okay, cool, happy holidays and get here soon please, bye.

Okay.

Oh God.

Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

It's the--

No, no, no, but for real,

I'll never have a soft boiled egg again.

So, up next is

our old buddy Dave,

everybody give it up for Dave!

Hey everybody, thank you so much.

So, contrary to popular belief, the best thing about Hitler

is not his mustache.

But in fact, it is,

it's Eva, Eva Braun, his girlfriend.

Do you think that Hitler ever actually referred

to Eva Braun as his girlfriend?

I mean, look, he's having a meeting,

he's discussing more efficient methods of

gypsy eradication with Himmler and Goebbels

and then Eva walks in and he says,

"Hey guys, this is my girlfriend Eva,

"she's a real firecracker.

"She makes a mean spritzkuchen and she can bend herself

"in half backwards."

Um...

Yeah, so uh, I have a girlfriend.

Well, she can't bend herself in half backwards,

but she does make a mean streuselkuchen,

if you know what I mean and I think you do.

So, I was talking about Hitler.

Bring back Becks!

So the thing about the Rag Shag fire.

- Alright, so that was Dave McGinty everybody.

Everyone give it up for Dave.

And of course you know me, your host Becks.

But seriously folks, what's with Twitter lately?

Am I right?

I mean, really.

This guy gets it, right?

What kind of name do you have?

Brian? Right?

No but seriously folks, you guys are great.

Except for you.

What kinda hat is that?

Get that at a hat store?

Sorry, I'm just teasing.

I was kidding.

It's me Becks, it's Becks, right?

Oh, you guys are great.

Oh, yeah hey, hey Byron, what's up?

Hey Dave.

You sucked ass balls tonight.

Ass balls?

Ya know, ass balls, like ass,

a donkey, you sucked donkey testicles.

Right.

So basically normal.

Great.

And another thing.

Someone threw up Fireball all over the women's restroom,

so you gotta clean it up

because Lilly is allergic to cinnamon.

I'm allergic to cinnamon.

Um...

Come on Byron.

- Hey, hey, hey, we take the ADA very seriously here

at Yuks Yuks and not cleaning up Fireball vomit

is a reasonable accommodation.

So, get accommodated.

Yes sir, I'll get right to it.

Oh Byron.

I'd like to sign up for the amateur night on Thursday,

if that's OK.

Whatever, it's your testicles.

Hey roomy.

Guess what I did today.

What did you do, Upchuck?

I got a pet.

What? Why?

It was free. I named him Pubes.

Doug, have you seen this?

Oh sweet.

Um, I don't think Pubes was purchased

from a licensed pet store.

Hey, you leave Pubes alone.

Took me six hours to catch him.

Didn't it, Pubes?

- David, I feel like we have more pressing issues

than Upcharles' new rodent.

I noticed you didn't put

your half of the rent in the rent mug.

- Yeah well, I have been meaning to talk to you

about that actually.

Whoa, whoa.

Feel like a lot of tension here.

I think I'd like to keep the conversation

a little productive.

Maybe we could use some I feel statements, OK?

I'll start.

I feel like you didn't put your half of the rent

in the rent mug.

- Well Doug, I feel that I shouldn't have to pay half

because Upchuck lives here too.

Upcharles almost died, David.

He walked right up to the gaping mall of death,

looked it in the face.

Because of this, he is now disabled.

I'm disabled.

He is not!

He's living off a car injury settlement

like some daytime TV loser.

How dare you.

Yeah, you play video games all day.

David, rent bowl,

tomorrow.

Good talk.

- Hey guys, look, Pubes in my pants playing.

Hi, my name is Big Tony.

What do you call a pig who does karate?

A pork chop.

Where do they go to dance?

A meat bowl.

How does he do it?

So school education falling behind.

Why did student eat homework?

Teacher told him piece of cake.

Did you hear the one about the rebel's secrets?

What do you want, Dave?

Hi Lambkin.

- Lambkin? What is that, some kind of furry thing?

- Um, it's Shakespeare, I think, but anyway,

thanks for calling me.

- Well after 37 test messages, I thought I should.

That's getting a little high maintenance.

I miss you.

I'm so excited for next weekend.

What's this weekend?

- I thought, well, you're driving in from Colorado.

Oh, uh...

Sorry, I can't come.

Work stuff.

Hey sweetie, hey baby,

hey sweetie.

I got low blood sugar.

Who's that?

That's my brother, Hank.

You have a brother?