Cold Turkey

I wrestled with it, Mr. Grayson.

Let it roll around in my mind.

Then it hit me.

Bottom line, 20 years in public relations,

this little notion is the capper.

Puzzled, sure you are.

A little, a little background first.

You're Hiram C. Grayson,

affectionately known as Mr. Tobacco.

You sold 13 trillion cigarettes

in your lifetime, Mr. Grayson, 13 trillion.

Now, let's turn to Alfred Nobel, remember him?

He invented dynamite,

maybe a hundred devices for high explosives.

One of the great contributors to modern warfare.

Made a billion dollars selling munitions.

You and Alf Nobel have a lot in common, Mr. Grayson,

because you spent a lifetime selling cigarettes,

and he spent a lifetime selling munitions.

Beginning to see the analogy?

Forget it, the question's obscure.

Let me hang a lantern on it.

You didn't remember that Nobel

made his fortune selling munitions.

I had to remind you, but why is that?

Because Alfred Nobel spent a fraction of that fortune

creating the Nobel Peace Prize.

Get the point?

The Peace Prize never did interfere

with Mr. Nobel's business.

The world went right on buying his product

for all its wars.

Ready for the big question?

It's jumping right out of the pan, bottom line.

We are going to offer 25 million dollars

to some town in America that will quit smoking for 30 days?

- Ain't we tobacco people got trouble enough?

- Dumbest, damn, dumb ass thing I ever heard.

Man oughta be put away coming around here

with a scheme like that.

If you ain't a bird turd.

- We did all we're gonna do for the public.

We offered to get outta radio and TV now, didn't we?

That's right, and we diversified.

- Now, what the God damn hell does that got to do with it?

- Overlooking, overlooking, overlooking, gentlemen.

O-V-E-R, over, overlooking.

You're overlooking one thing gentlemen.

Have you ever seen a whole office building give up smoking?

No, not exactly.

A whole neighborhood?

So, for 25 million dollars, a 100 million dollars,

where are you going to find a whole town

that will give up smoking?

I mean, be, be reasonable, gentlemen.

- And so my brethren, it is time for rebirth in Eagle Rock.

Time for renewal, time for recommitment,

because I say that God's will

is being done here as never before.

I know it, I believe!

I know it, because I know in whom I have believed.

He has blessed us, my friends, truly blessed us.

No, God has not abandoned us,

but rather he has a plan, a purpose for you, his people.

Our present problem is nothing

but a preparation for things to come,

because we have been chosen,

and so let us leave this place this morning

where we've heard God speaking to us.

Let us leave this place with a new affirmation

of his promise of purpose.

His commitment of concern to us all.

Let us prepare to do his will,

because with his help we will battle against

the powers and the principalities of darkness

that have sapped our spiritual resources.

We will fight, we will work, we will pray,

we will open up our hearts, we will open up our eyes,

and we will catch a glimpse

of that romantic country Peru,

where the lovely city of Lima

glistens like a thousand jewels,

set beside miles of platinum beach,

which rests like a strand of yellow hair

along the lovely blue ocean.

Would you turn your hymnals to page 33?

I asked you to type up my sermon for me,

and you make me out a fool,

and don't tell me again that it was a mistake, Natalie.

My handwriting is pure crystal.

But I--

I know, I know, Holiday Magazine

was lying open next to my notes when you were typing.

Well, if that's the way it happened, Natalie,

there's a demon in you.

An unconscious urge to destroy me.

Smile and don't slouch.

I certainly hope you're right, Reverend.

Thank you, thank you, I'm sure I am.

I enjoyed the sermon, Reverend.

Thank you, hello.

Hello.

Good morning.

Good morning.

A real inspiration.

Colonel, nice to have you.

See you in a moment.

Yes.

Good sermon, Reverend.

Thank you.

- Oh um we'll see, we'll see, Reverend.

Right.

Homer Watson, our chief of police,

is gonna drop you at the airport

Fine, fine.

- Thank you for coming out from Washington.

No problem.

- I'll, I'll get in first, here we are.

Oh, that husband of yours.

God love him, he's a saint.

Washington is of course,

terribly interested in your problem.

The Pentagon is especially interested.

Our defense industry,

by our defense industry I don't mean the Pentagon's.

I mean the nation's defense industries.

The Pentagon, after all,

doesn't have any industrial plants of its own.

We simply work with them.

Of course, we do work close enough with them

to exert some degree of influence,

and we might just be able to uh,

take one of these plants we influence and um,

move it to Eagle Rock,

but here's the thing,

the top executives in these plants,

they're tough people,

uh, retired generals, and colonels and such.

When they move their families into a new town

they expect first a first rate high school, a fine library,

tip top hospitals facilities, a good police force,

attractive shopping centers, et cetera.

Now, if you'll take Eagle Rock and give it a new look,

kind of update the town a little,

you'll see how fast the boys in Washington snap into action.

I don't need to remind you

that it was the previous administration

that shut down your air base.

The present administration

would've thought twice, believe me.

By the way, Reverend, I enjoyed that sermon very much.

Well, thank you.

- Particularly that generous tribute you paid

our Latin American neighbor, Peru.

Excuse me, Cissy.

- Quiet, here we go, folks, they're cuttin' the cake.

Last week it was the Proudys.

This week it's Bob and Edna.

That's 11 families since the first of the year.

Another year like this and we're a ghost town.

Dr. Proctor, we mustn't be pessimistic.

Remember what Colonel Galloway said?

You know how much it'd take

to fix this town up the way Galloway said?

Why, millions.

- That may be, but with God's help, we'll make it.

- Never mind his help, let him get up his money.

Colonel Galloway, Washington,

the whole country's got its hand out.

Something for nothing.

Nobody wants to work anymore.

Gimme this, gimme that.

Gimme you federal government.

Gimme you state government.

Gimme you city government.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

You know what I call it?

The gimme's.

That Colonel was right, Mayor.