Superior Donuts

What the hell is wrong with Chicago?

Too windy?

Too murder-y?

Too much improv and racial tension?

No! Somebody wrote a bad review about my truck on Yelp.

They've described my food as "Farm to toilet."

What the hell is Yelp?

It's a Web site where customers can review plumbers,

restaurants, stores...

Yelp sounds stupid.

Superior Donuts got five stars.

I always liked Yelp.

"Old-world charm...

"The best donuts in Chicago...

Owner and employee have a fun Chico and the Man dynamic."

Arthur, people love your donuts.

This has got tons of great reviews. Uh-oh.

What? Who gave me one star?

"Uptown Java Junkie."

"I come here all the time."

What a loser.

Go ahead.

Uh, "I love the atmosphere, and the donuts are thick and chewy."

So why just one star?

"Unfortunately, so is the coffee."

Oh, cr...! Man... what?

"Their coffee turns me off-y."

That should be a T-shirt.

How could anyone say that? I pride myself on my coffee.

Uptown Java Junkie,

you are banned.

- Arthur. - Hmm?

You can't do that. It's anonymous.

- It could be anybody. - Yeah,

but we know he comes here all the time.

Or she.

I'll bet it is a she.

The review has a tone.

Arthur, it's-it's one person's opinion.

And it could be a woman, so... meh.

Look, if it bothers you that much,

why don't you try a different coffee?

What?! No, I'm not gonna change it.

People come here for my coffee

and my warm, inviting atmosphere!

Yo, Arthur, can I take the rest of the day off

if I come in to work tonight?

We're not open at night.

Cool. See you tomorrow.

How's the first week of school?

Great. It's pretty much everything I hoped it would be.

Got to head to my professor's office

to hand in my first, uh... what's the word?

- Assignment? - Masterpiece!

Well, at least you're humble.

Well, it's hard to be humble when you made this.

- Oh! - Whoa!

- Jesus on a skateboard. - Yeah.

Everybody likes skateboarding,

and a lot of people like some Jesus.

Well, I'm glad he's enjoying himself.

It does not end well for him.

Well, the class is called "Intro to Figure Drawing."

I got to take it for my major, you know.

The assignment was a basic pencil sketch,

and I'm pretty beyond all that, so...

The detail is amazing.

Look, he's wearing himself on a gold chain.

Yeah. This is gonna blow my professor away.

You know, I'm hoping he might recommend me to a gallery,

and I get my own show, and I'll be the next Basquiat,

and Rihanna writes a song about me.

You know, the usual stuff. You know?

All right, bless me, Skateboard Jesus. Mwah.

- Got to bounce. - Good luck.

Don't need luck, got a masterpiece!

Oh! "Farm to toilet," I just got it.

So this is my first college assignment.

So I just, like, what, drop this off and then you send me my A-plus?

No, you stand there, and I give you a C-minus.

C-minus?

I would give you a D,

but then I'd have to fill out all that probationary paperwork,

pull the Dean into it.

I've outlasted three Deans.

I do not intend to meet this one.

Dude, I need at least a B-minus to keep my financial aid.

I understand.

Unfortunately, you didn't do the assignment,

which was a pencil portrait of a human figure.

Which is so basic. What I did was way cooler, man.

It-it makes a statement

about people's conceptions of religion.

I bet nobody else did that.

You're right. Everybody else did the assignment.

You are really obsessed with this assignment, man.

Yo, I'm 28, I-I've been a street artist for ten years.

All right? This is my thing.

Well, my thing is not to reward students

who think that they're clever enough to dodge the assignment.

Ah! Heard "clever."

You know, Mr. Wicks, with your attitude,

I could actually see you being a professional painter in a few years.

That's my dream right there, man.

Wh-Wh-What you mean, like murals o-o-or portraits?

No, I meant like a house.

Think about it.

I'll give you the room.

Ay, if you want to smite him, I'll understand.

Can I offer you a cup of joe on the house?

- No, thanks. - "No, thanks"?

That's a hell of a way to tell me that my coffee sucks.

Hey, you've got something to say,

have the balls to say it to my face, huh?

Maybe I'll Yelp you, Java Junkie.

No stars!

Hey, it's a good thing you got over that bad review.

When did gutless weasels get the power

to criticize you anonymously?

About eight minutes after the Internet was invented.

Why do you care what some random person thinks?

Because it's so public. It's just out there

zippity zappity-ing around in the space cloud... web.

What are you gonna do if you find this guy?

Put him on your "banned for life" list?

Hey, if you don't like it,

I can add your name right below Wayne Mitchell.

Poor Wayne.

He just asked if you had one of those cardboard cup trays.

God gave you two hands, Wayne, use them!

Hey, look!

It's Leonardo DaFranco.

What a talent.

I'm so happy I bought one of your paintings.

You sure? 'Cause my professor gave me a C-minus.

Oh.

Well, I'll give it to my aunt. She's blind.

A C-minus?

You got to be kidding me.

Yeah, because that's a great painting.

I don't think he gets me.

He's one of these stuffy, by-the-book professors

who wants me to start with the basics. Which is cool.

That's cool. I can do basics.

Oh, that's the spirit, kid.

All right, so, hey, could somebody be my model?

Right here in the donut shop?

What sort of self-obsessed idiot...

Bup! I'll do it.

- Really? - Yeah.

I've done a lot of gigs modeling for art students.

It's a lot harder than you think.

You got to sit there, in one place,

for hours, barely moving.

How do you do it?

Where do you want me, Franco?

All right, so I'm thinking right by this window, you know.

That'll accentuate your, uh... No!

Listen, if you like your monty full,

I'm gonna have to insist we do this in the kitchen.

No.

Oh, hey, Tush. New sweater?

Hey, Tush, I-I just remembered

the model's supposed to have hair.

So the kitchen, then?

No.

What I meant is, maybe Sofia would be a better model.

Hey, Sofia,

would you mind posing for my art class?

It would only take ten minutes.

Okay, but I'm not taking my shirt off.

Okay.

All right, but if you want somebody

who's not ashamed of their body,

you know where to find me.

Do you like to draw?

Why is this taking so long?

I'm the size of a lawn gnome.

Yeah.

Just putting on the finishing touches.

Wasn't as simple as I thought it'd be,

but I think you're gonna like it.

- Hey, that's so good. - Yeah.

But why am I wearing catcher's mitts?

Oh, those are your hands.

No.

Because my fingers aren't webbed.

Look, okay, y-you were holding them all weird.

Oh, so this is my fault?

I'm going back to my truck.

- Maybe I can swim there with my flippers. - Wait.

Hold on.

Okay, okay, just give me one more chance, all right?

Take a seat.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Here's your regular order,

one dozen donuts without anything to wash them down with

because my coffee stinks?

I didn't say that.

You didn't have to,