Tips for Cheating (Porady na zdrady) (Porady na zdrady)

She's not coming, son.

She's never late.

There's always a first.

She'll be here, you'll see.

- You were supposed to help us. - I am helping.

Yeah, right.

But you're in luck. It's a special day.

What's special about it?

Find out for yourself.

You're close.

You said you'd never marry.

I lied.

TIPS FOR CHEATING

That's it.

Of course we will add some details, just the finishing touch.

I hope it looks exactly as you pictured it.

- It's perfect. - Great.

Excuse me for just a sec.

I'm sorry. Good morning.

Finally.

I'm sorry. We just...

We couldn't get out of bed.

Force majeure, love in bloom.

How about a double wedding tomorrow?

I don't have the dress, but we're considering it.

What's there to consider? Hey, Alex...

- We lost him. - Huh?

Well... You go first, we will follow.

Sounds cool, I want the car.

Sure, honey...

I'll take the metro. Or the bus.

Thanks. Ciao.

Bye.

It's so pretty. Really beautiful.

Wait, stop right there.

Wow.

You're going to love the photo shoot on the riverbanks.

What's up?

It's tomorrow.

Tomorrow, that's right.

Hey, girl.

Don't you cry.

You're pretty romantic for a scientific mind.

This is Anna from Opel OnStar, what can I do for you?

I'd like to report my car stolen.

Please cut this jerk off, I mean the ignition.

Thanks.

For?

Moron, imbecile and a mean backstabber.

I wish him eternal impotence caused by severe syphilis.

Wait a moment, it's your feelings talking.

They're not talking, they're screaming. Write it down:

May your life be a bed of nails, may your ass be in pain forever...

And shit all over yourself.

You might add:

Have a good read. From Dominika Ferret. Or just Ferret.

That is precisely why I am loyal to my wife.

- It's because you love her. - Deeply.

- Chill out, it's going to be fine. - It's not. I blocked you, traitor.

Ferret?

I wanted to help this lady with a problem...

Problem? You've got a problem. The police are coming.

Make up some bullshit, you're good at it.

The police? Why?

Here's a keepsake.

Want a book?

I'll be right there.

You're not going to believe this, I have to go to work.

- Today? - Yes, now, immediately.

The system's down, nobody can take care of it.

Nobody in the whole world?

Love, it's just around the corner.

I'll be back before you notice I'm gone.

Great, I'm marrying a workaholic.

Oh, and who's the one designing a website until dawn?

Have you seen my phone?

Found it!

- Rafal... - Yeah?

Will you get ready on time?

I don't have to be as beautiful...

as you.

- Come back soon. - I will!

Hello?

Rafal is it you?

Where are you?

The system's down...

Freaking liar.

Oh no...

You are not going to cry because of him.

How about leaving everything behind and moving to Cuba?

- Cuba? - Yeah.

It's a poor country with no Internet access.

Oh, then no.

God damn it! Do you want to kill me'?

You're such a bore, no imagination.

Hey, miss!

Jesus...

Is everything fine?

Nothing is fine.

Are you hurt?

No, I think I tripped.

Maybe we should take you home?

No, I'll just stay here.

Or I'll go for a walk.

Are you sure? You don't look so good.

How rude!

A freaking aesthete.

This mad girl almost got me into prison.

Your mad driving almost got you there.

- You could use some phlegm at the wheel. - You're phlegm.

Why did I marry you in the first place?

This is Opel OnStar, what can I do for you?

We had a little fender-bender, please check the car.

The car is fine. Have a safe trip.

Fasten your seatbelt.

Poor girl.

Join the club.

The club? You too?

Come live with me now.

I could use company, too.

But what next?

You mean him or accommodation?

See this?

I'm such an idiot.

I'm such an idiot.

I'm done with him. I'm done with all men.

Almost all men cheat, but you don't always find out.

Better sooner than later.

What would I do if I found out after the wedding?

Smart girl.

How many women must be wondering right now - is he cheating?

Are these flowers a sign of love or just a smokescreen?

What?

Tell me.

We could become fidelity investigators.

You know, a girl pays you to seduce her guy.

If he falls for you, bang! Caught red handed.

But, you mean...

No...

No, I mean...

A kiss. General intent would do.

I like it.

So do I.

No more scot-free shags.

How much did we earn?

Nice turnover, huh?

I wouldn't give up your job just yet.

Besides, we're doing it to support a good cause.

- And for... - ... pleasure.

That's it.

Their faces are priceless.

- Which sauce? - What is it'?

Vegan caesar salad.

With sausages?

With wieners.

- Wow. - What?

Tips for Cheating.

By Maciej Woltynski.

The expert personal coach writes about his love to his wife.

Looks a bit like Krychowiak.

He is the exception that proves the rule.

My friend went to him almost half naked. He didn't even look at her.

- Not Krychowiak. - Blaszczykowski.

- Living perfection. - His wife is a lucky girl.

- Tasty. - You don't say.

All this kissing makes me hungry.

Good morning.

- There you go. Have a nice day. - Thank you.

Hi there.

Hi.

I'm sorry about that scene in the car.

Sometimes I forget you deserve...

the best.

No, I'm sorry, Mouse.

Tada!

Concert tickets.

Real Cubans from Cuba.

If you're happy, I'm happy.

Thank you.

I want us to be like we used to be.

I will do my best, I promise.

- Bye. - Bye, have a nice day.

I'm telling you, she hired those fidelity investigators.

It turned out he's all hanky-panky.

That bastard. Maybe I should investigate mine.

- How much is it? - Yes, how much?

It's for a friend.

Nobody can be trusted. Woltynski, I would vouch for him.

Beata, we are very sorry.

Maybe this text is nothing, maybe I'm mistaken.

"Put on my favourite stockings. On my way."

This tells us everything.

I want at-fault divorce.

But the judge won't accept one silly text as proof.

I need more.

Images that tell the story.

I'll do it perfectly.

- I'll take it. - He's mine.

- It's cut out for me. - I'm doing it.

You, you will seduce him.