Plebs

How was the journey, Dad? Marvellous.

We took the coastal road, then came in on the bypass to avoid the traffic.

Did it in record time. Phwoar! Three days, door to door!

Oh, I'm so excited to finally see where you live.

Well, it's certainly got character. I did ask Grumio to tidy up.

I didn't want to spoil the character. I'll do it. I brought my pinny.

And give me any dirty undies to wash. Oh, Mum, please.

How much do you pay for this place? Not much. 250 a month.

250? You could rent a whole village for that.

Now, then! Pressie time. Ooh!

I've got tunics for everyone and I've got a cardy for Stylax.

Hat for Grumio. Are all the presents knitted?

There's damp here, look. You should speak to your landlord. Yeah.

And a briefcase for you, Marcus. Yow! This is wicked, Sylvia. Thank you.

Ah! There. That's cosy, isn't it?

Ooh! Right, I'll get started on the kitchen.

Oh, no, you don't do... Are these clean or...?

No.

# When in Rome Do as the Romans do

# Far from home

This is some sort of big Roman palaver.

Oh, how exciting. Tell me everything you know.

That's about it, actually.

It's the parade of the Vestal virgins.

Not too late for you to join, eh, Marcus?

Hilarious, Dad. Oh, stop it.

I bet the girls are queuing up for him, right, Marcus?

Well, yeah, not exactly.

So have you got a girlfriend, then?

Er, well...

He's got one. Lepidus, look - he's got one.

So who is she? When can we meet her?

No, I don't... I don't have a girlfriend. Sorry.

Oh. You will one day, soldier.

Another honey sandwich, Grumio? Yeah. Keep them coming, Sylv.

Eh, why didn't you tell her about your girlfriend? Why do you think?

I can't expose Delphine to that shit storm. What? Your parents are wicked.

No. Mum would smother her with wool and Delphine's so bloody fiery

there'd be some terrible knitwear inferno.

Oh! Here come the virgins.

Salve, ladies.

What are you doing? My sexy face.

Not sure your sexy face will work on this lot.

My sexy face works on every lot.

Hello! Hi.

As if. It was probably just a twitch.

Uh-uh. It was a cheeky little wink from a smoking hot Vestal.

She's not going to wink at shrub-haired wally boy in his granddad's cardy.

I know when I've been winked at, mate.

Now I just need to work out how to get my winky into that winker.

You keep your winky away from her. She's a Vestal Virgin.

Maybe I'm up for a bit of vestiality.

Oh, well, that's disgusting and illegal. Vestiality - with a V.

Yes, that's illegal too. There are half a million women in this city

and only six of them with whom sexual relations are specifically forbidden.

Please just forget it.

Nobody winks at Stylax Urastaques and gets away with it.

Nobody.

20 sesterces for an apple? An apple?

This city's out of control. I don't know how you manage.

Something usually turns up if you know where to look.

Grumio, I found a lump of cheese under your bed.

There you go. It was wrapped in a soggy towel.

Eh, eh, eh. What are you doing?

I'm throwing it out. It's covered in mould. Look.

I'll have it. It's just a bit blue. At least cut the blue bit off, then.

Oh, dear. Oh.

Oh! Hang about.

Mmm.

Marcus! Delphine! Hey.

Wow! You finally got a nice tunic. It looks good on you.

Oh. Yeah, it's... Erm... An original piece by a rural artisan friend.

Mm. What are you doing here? I came into town for a haircut.

I thought we could have dinner. Oh, yeah. It looks great.

I've not had it yet, dickhead. I meant afterwards.

Sure, yes, sorry.

Erm, I would love to but I'm really not feeling well.

Really? You look fine.

I know. You'd have to feel my other end. It's chock full of germs.

OK. I'm not doing that.

But I can tuck you in later on if you want. No, best not.

The germs in question are all over the flat and very contagious.

I'll come to yours as soon as they're gone,

probably around eight o'clock tomorrow night?

That's very precise. Well, I know my body.

The blessings of Vesta.

The blessings of Vesta.

The blessings of Vesta.

The blessings of... Oh, hi.

Erm, I'm usually served by the young sultry one,

with the cheekbones and the...

Ursula is busy now. Oh, that's fine. I can wait.

And it doesn't matter who serves you. You get the same fire.

Yeah, I know, I... I just prefer her fire.

It feels a bit hotter.

Well... Thank you.

Ahem.

Hi. Ursula, is it? I'm Stylax.

You might remember me from this morning in the crowd. You winked.

I think. Or blinked.

Or... It was a twitch, wasn't it?

Oh, I'm sorry. I just...

Come back this evening. I'll be guarding the flame.

Alone.

Mind your fingers, by the way.

Oh!

You bought this here? Yeah. And now it's all mouldy.

I don't do refunds. I'm sorry. No, I'm not complaining.

The mould tastes bloody lovely. Try it.

It's surprisingly delicious, I assure you.

Oh, sh... Stay with it.

Stay with it.

Ah? Ah?

Right, you see? Ah! I love it.

How did you make this? Trade secret, I'm afraid.

If you supply the cheese, he can make plenty more -

split the profits - what do you say? OK.

And how do we call it? I'm calling it blue.

Nah. I think we should call it bleu.

Personally, I prefer blue. I much prefer bleu.

Mm. Blue.

Ah. Bleu.

Bleurgh it is, then.

Have a nice evening, guys.

Are you not coming for dinner? I'd love to but I've made plans.

I'm going to the temple. Temple? Really?

I didn't know you'd found religion, Stylax. Neither did I.

Well, that parade got me all fired up. I think I'm going to check it out.

Well, I'm very impressed.

Oh, don't forget your cardy. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't want to catch a cold.

Mm.

Oh. And to think that's the boy who used to stick raisins up his willy.

So, Ursula, what's it like, being a Vestal Virgin?

Total sack of shit, mate. Every day the same.

You get up, you watch the flame, you tend the flame,

you take the flame for a walk.

Yeah, but you're really famous. I mean, that must be wicked.

Is it fuck? No? People think being in the V's is all glamour, right?

But it's like a prison. I've never left Rome. I've never climbed a tree,

never been out for a greasy kebab.

No - you would regret a greasy kebab.

I would love to regret a greasy kebab.

So why did you join, then? Same as everyone.

I was eight years old. I liked the hats.

They are nice hats.

So, you want to shag me in the cloister or what?

Er, I'm happy to do it in the vagina, like normal.

That room there. Oh, right!

Yes, please.

Well, erm, I don't think we need a starter.

Shall we go straight to the mains?

Let them have a starter if they want one. We do, yeah.

Can we have a table for two, please?

Actually, I can't eat anything here. Maybe let's go somewhere else.

What? Yeah. Somewhere a bit cheaper. Eh, Dad? Oh, yes, all right.

No, there's plenty you can eat. You like chicken, you like lamb,

fish if I take out the bones. You might like lobster.

He might not. He might prefer the soup or the omelette or...

Marcus what are you doing down there?

All right, Delphine? No! Grumio!

Hi, Grumio. Is that Marcus under there by any chance?

Er, found it.

Found that pea I was looking for.

Oh! Hi, Delphine.

Fancy seeing you here.

Feeling better, then? Er, yes, thanks.

Er, turns out I don't know my body after all. Hmm.

So do you two know each other, then?

Yes. Erm... Delphine's my

girlfriend. What? You didn't have one this morning.

Busy afternoon. Er, no. We've actually been together for a while.

So why didn't you say anything? And is this man involved?

No. I... I don't know who that is.

Oscar. Hi. Hi.

Oscar is my hairdresser.

Seeing as you were ill, I was at a loose end.

Right. Your hair looks great, by the way. Oh! Thanks.

Well, why don't you join us? We'll push the two tables together.

Thank you but I think Marcus prefers to keep things separate.

# I'm in the mood for love

Are you sure you're a virgin? Cos you seem to know what you're doing. Sh!

What was that? Oh, nothing. The flame just went out.

What?

The sacred flame went out. Mm. Is that going to be a problem?

The flame's gone out! The sacred flame's gone out!

The flame's gone out!

The sacred flame's gone out!

Er... What do we do now?

The window. Quickly.

Oh, shit - my cardy. Leave it! It was a present.

Leave the fucking cardy! OK.

This way, centurion.

Have you just got back? Oh, hey.

Er, what are you doing in here? I gave my parents my bed.

So how was temple? Yeah, good.

Yeah. How was dinner? Hideous.

Delphine was eating in the same bloody restaurant. Phoof!

My bedroom's just over there. Er, where's the toilet? Here.

Shit! So Delphine must have been pretty angry, right?

Is...? Who was that? That's Ursula, yeah. The Vestal Virgin?