Frank of Ireland

I'm sorry.

I know it must seem very sudden.

No, no, no, I'm delighted for you.

Delighted.

When do you...

move in to his place?

Mmm... The end of the week.

That's so soon. That's great.

Part of me will always love you, Frank,

- but Peter-Brian's... - Which part?

- Peter-Brian's a doctor. - No, which part?

- Pardon me? - Which part of you will always love me?

Oh.

My self-loathing, probably.

Hmm.

I didn't mean that in a good way.

We're having a party the day I move in...

- Can I move in too? - I don't think so, no.

Well, I just... I guess I just always assumed

that when my mam dies it'd be you who takes care of me.

Please don't move in with him.

Please don't move in with him, Áine.

I'm gonna leave, Frank.

Áine?

Yes, Frank?

You should take out the recycling.

Would sir like dessert?

She's moving on, Doofus.

I'm losing her.

Just the cheesecake, please.

And you're sure you can't move in with them?

Mam, I asked.

So you're definitely staying with me?

- Yeah, of course I am! - Frank...

I'm having difficulty making the house payments.

- Uh-oh. - So I'm moving my boyfriend in.

Boyfriend? Who is it?

It's not that guy.

Hi, guys! I'm Richard.

Shh! Richard.

I convinced Richard to leave his wife and kids for me.

He'll be paying rent, but realistically,

I'm going to need more money...

Whoa, Whoa! I'm paying rent?

Richard, I'm trying to talk here.

I'm not paying rent, Mam.

What's the point in me doing my chores

if I give you my pocket money back as rent?

Come on.

How many kids do you have, Richard?

I have three kids.

You had three kids.

Look at his face.

He just keeps eating cheese.

He's so fucking posh.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to live in a house like that?

No. We're not here to appreciate

Peter-Brian's house, Doofus.

We're here for dirt, proof that he's cheating on Áine.

It doesn't look like he's cheating on Áine.

He's a doctor.

Of course he's cheating on Áine.

All we have to do is catch him in the act.

You still wanna do the flaming bag of dog poo

on his doorstep?

It's a little unsophisticated,

- but yes, please. - Okay.

- Ta-da! - Jesus Christ.

- What's wrong? - Where to start?

First, it's supposed to be a paper bag.

We can't set fire to that, it's a biohazard.

It kept seeping out through the paper bags.

Second, why is it liquid dog poo?

It's not liquid dog poo.

It's not solid, that's for sure.

No, it's not... it's not dog poo.

What kind of poo is it?

It's Doofus poo.

God, Doofus.

Give me the lighter.

Watch out, Frank!

- Frank? - Peter-Brian.

- What are you doing here? - I was in the neighborhood,

and I wanted to say congratulations

on Áine moving in and...

- I brought you this. - What is it?

It's from Doofus.

He's sick. It's a sample.

Oh, right.

Well, come on in.

Leave the bag, yeah?

No! No, Frank! Frank, no, no!

Wow. This is really nice.

Yeah, thanks. Whiskey?

Áine goes mad if I touch the stuff,

but, you know, when the cat's away...

Huh. Yeah, maybe one.

- She can't dance. - She can't dance.

She thinks she can dance, but she can't dance.

- All elbows. - She says I'm a messy drunk.

That's bullshit. You're a great drunk.

And she won't let me listen to my podcasts

when we're going to sleep.

Outrageous. What's a podcast?

Ah. Look, she's a good girl, really,

and I don't mean that in a patronizing way.

You know, I actually think she'll be very happy here...

Well, thanks for saying that.

What do you do for fun, Frank?

Last week me and Doofus did the 7-D experience in town.

You sit in a cramped eight-seater room

and watch animated movies

while an Eastern European man spritzes you

with water to simulate rain.

- That's one of the dimensions. - That sounds...

The seventh dimension is bubbles.

You wanna know what I do for fun?

This is the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Yeah, I thought you might like it.

You ever bow and arrowed?

I was competitive in college.

You know, we should go to the range sometime...

Tomorrow. What about tomorrow?

- Oh, tomorrow... - I want to be with you.

Sorry, was that a bit intense?

No, I liked it.

Okay.

- Till tomorrow. - Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Ciao.

Frank!

Doofus! Why are you still here?

Get out of there.

Jesus.

You don't like him, do you, Frank?

Who?

You know who I mean.

I'm just hanging with him to get dirt.

It's like Tim Roth in "Reservoir Dogs."

I mean, tonight was probably the most fun

I've had with anyone in ages, but...

See, he has this knack of putting me totally at ease,

really feel I can be myself when I'm around him.

Like, I actually like myself when I'm with him.

Nothing sexual or anything. I hate him.

Why hasn't he texted?

- OMG, that's a gas. - What is it?

Nothing. Just... Peter-Brian's an awful eejit.

- Let me see! Let me see! - No!

Ciao, guys. Excusez-moi.

Pardon me. Who might you be?

Oh, pardon. Me Stephane.

I'm Frank. This is Doofus.

- Hello. - Ah, Frankie!

- We share a room, no? - I hope not.

Connard va.

Why hasn't Stephane got any pubes, Frank?

He's old enough.

Real men, we shave...

for... how you say...

aerodynamics.

Huh?

Huh? Hélicoptère !

Stephane, did you find everything?

Oh! Well, you obviously didn't find a towel!

Attention, hein !

Attention, j'arrive !

Stephane's a student. He's lodging here too.

Means I'll finally have the mortgage covered.

Mary, you got anywhere I can put...

Hello. Who's this?

Richard, come outside. We need to talk.

Breathe.

Now draw back...

elbow raised...

focus down range.

And now, when you're ready...

release.

Hey!

I can't believe you finally hit one! Ha-ha!

- Whoo! Got one! - Whoo!

Doofus! What the hell are you doing?

Just.. gramming.

Get the fuck off the range!

Come on. Let's go hit the spa.

Stop looking at me like that.

I can't help it.

So I like him, okay?

Get over it. Get in!

- I can't. - Why not?

- I shaved my pubes, okay? - What...

- Keep your voice down. - Look at him.

- Just get some dirt. - Yeah, I...

You're not Tim Roth in "Reservoir Dogs," Frank.

You're Kevin Costner in "Dances With Wolves,"

seduced by the culture and lifestyle of your enemy.

You're not even trying to break up him and Áine.

I am. Now would you please just...

Ahh, fuck it.

That is nice.