Brassic

'Kin hell, you're holding me up...

Yeah, you are.

Trying to get a wriggle on for you, and you keep bellin' me up.

Yeah, I've got the Tutankhamun. Listen, I'll be ten minutes.

Ten minutes.

Or maybe less.

Oh, shit...

Spontaneous theft. Christ, it's been ages since I did one of them.

Can you see to it?

Yeah. I'll scratch the ceiling and then give it a little spray.

You checked around?

Not yet. You do the front. I'll do the back.

- No way! - What is it? - Antiques. - Antiques? - Yeah.

Nicked it from outside this antique shop in Walburn.

- The hell is this? - Oh! That's an old dildo.

- No, it's not. - Course it is!

- It can't be. - Look at the bellend.

Let's take it down to the pawn shop. Sly Si will be all over these, man.

Be safe.

There he is. Top shagger. How's it going, Si?

All right, Vin.

- What have you got for me? - I'll tell you what I've got for you.

Some genuine, none of your replica shit, antiques there.

Antiques?

Silver spoons, snuff box, flintlock guns, some sort of...

weird...

A weird table ornament thing.

Nice. Nice.

She's a beaut.

- Hmm. Get out! - I know, it's big, innit?

- Is this for horses? - "Is it for..." For horses?

- It's got a horse on it. - Yeah, but it's...

It's fucking decorative.

Yeah, why would a horse want a dildo?

- "Decorative". - Yeah. It's for looking at while you...

- Do you want to buy it or not? - No, it's too weird for me.

This is a pawn shop, not a porn shop.

I'll have the rest, though.

- Two hundred. - Three hundred.

- Two. - Two-fifty.

Two.

- Two-two-five. - Two. - For fu...

Done.

Shit.

What are you doing in that? Get out of her!

Hey! Have you been conducting criminal business in my princess?

Oi! Calm down. I'm doing you a favour. JJ asked me to drop it off for you.

Is it fixed?

No, no. He told me, "Return it, it's still broke."

How's she driving?

It's good. Said she's got years in her. "Beast."

- They were the words he used. - "Beast," eh?

See? See?

Him, next door, He-Man, Master of the Universe...

Mockin' me, he was.

It's not funny!

He drove past in his blue... thing. Japanese Tonka-type.

What he doesn't realise is that this is a classic, proper machinery,

built to last by British hands, eh?

That's the trouble with the Europeans, you know?

No, no, no.

Boring, boring. I've got things to do.

Each to their own, son. Each to their own.

Vaslowsky...

- See you managed to resuscitate her. - Uh, you what? Hey...

Workhorse, this, mate. A beast. Live forever.

Not like this... commun-y car.

Jealousy, jealousy.

"Jealous"? This is a man's truck.

Hey, my dad had this before me,

and my son... if I had one, would have it after.

Hey, listen to this, eh?

Hear it and weep!

2.4 diesel, four-cylinder.

The most powerful street vehicle ever produced!

It's like a symphony.

I'll tell you what, this'll beat that in a race, mate.

Yeah, I'll bet, while this is in reverse.

You cheeky bastard.

You look like a girl with that haircut!

Hey, there's nothing wrong with this hair.

Eh!

What a beast! What a bad boy!

Laughing, are you? Huh?

You!

- See what you made me do! - I'm gonna fucking...

- You made me do that! - My windscreen, you prick!

Jim... Jim! Oi!

Jim?

Jim, I'm sorry...

Cunt.

Ah! Oh, watch out. There you go.

Right, remember, after-school club tonight.

I've written Mrs Worthington a note, but Marcus will be there.

- Yeah. - Yeah, so you'll have fun.

Listen, Mummy's got her last two exams today,

so when they're over, Mummy won't have to work so hard.

Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!

Dylan's gonna take you to school and I'll pick you up, yeah?

OK. Love you, baby. Bye.

- All right, wish me luck. - Good luck! You don't need it.

Ah.

Ay up, Si. Do you want it after all?

Vin, where did you get them antiques?

You know the rules. Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

- Si, listen, you know... - Fuck the rules. I'm in deep shit here.

You just tell me where you nicked them antiques from.

I didn't nick... Well, I did.

I nicked a car, and the antiques, they were in the boot.

- What's going on? - Just get down here.

- Why? - Just get down here now.

Don't tell anyone you're coming.

All right. Si, what's going... Si?

Oi!

Get up, you little fucker. Get up!

History lesson for you, Vinnie.

I know you're not well-educated, so, uh... let me enlighten you.

The term "dildo" was first coined in around 1400 AD.

It originates from the Latin dilatare,

which means 'open wide'.

The dick, Vincent.

The penis, the slongker, the cock, the old fella...

has been revered and replicated since the start of humanity.

And now, you...

and you...

are about to lose yours.

No. Please. It was in...

Shut it.

- Where's my antique dildo? - On a farm.

- Which farm? - Jim's farm.

I can get it back, though.

- Who stole 'em? - I don't know.

- Who was driving the car you nicked? - I don't know...

Oh, fuck!

A young guy.

Fuck, I didn't really see him. He might have had... brown hair.

Told you, didn't I? In the hospital, do you remember?

I said, "If our paths cross again."

I know, but all this...

I didn't know it had your things in it, and I'll get 'em back!

I'll fuck... I'll get you whatever you want!

- Cut his dick off. - No, no, no! Give me an hour!

Give me one hour!

I know where it is. This is just a mistake, this.

- All right, you, trousers off. - What?

I could find out the owner of that car. I fucking can...

I'll find out... I'll get it back.

My friend's a mechanic.

Fucking trousers off!

My friend's a mechanic...

- Boxers. - Fuck...

Boxers.

Mr McCann... No! Wait, wait!

Just... Just... Don't...

All right, now, say bye-bye to it.

Why? Why?

- Say bye-bye. - Fuck... This is fucking madness, man.

- Say it! - Bye, bye, bye... bye.

Properly.

You can't do this. Don't...

Please don't cut my dick off in a pawn shop, man.

- Don't... Don't... - Vin! - Fuck!

You will always remember the moment before you become dickless.

It's the end of one life and the start of another.

Pre and post-dick.

I have been badly betrayed,

and the only people with knowledge of my antiques

are people that know my house, people who come and go,

people with regular access.

I want to fucking know.

I have to fucking know.

I can find out.

I fucking can. I can find out.

OK...

You find out who took that dildo, you keep your dick.

You don't, it comes off.

- Do we understand ourselves? - Yeah.

Do we fucking understand each other?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

- So, it went well? - Yeah, it was firing outta me.

Know that feeling when you're trying to grab it from your brain

and then slam it perfectly in a piece of paper?

In semi-coherent sentences, yeah.

I'm sure you did great. What's now?

Uh, marketing.

Feeling all right about it, actually.

I'd done so much revision for it.

- I'll be surprised... - Erin.

Dylan, what's happened?

I need to talk to you. In private.

Well, um, we're on the way to the last exam. It starts in five minutes.

- Dylan... - What?

- Come on. - Dylan, what the fuck? What is it?

Now, start talking.

Shit.

- All right, look, Dylan... - Is it gone?

You're not showing and, what, this is weeks ago, so...

is it gone?

Yeah.

Was it mine?