Extended Family

You're early.

* It's true *

* The marriage that we once had now is through *

* And now we're doing all that we can do *

* To keep us all together as a crew *

* Trust, do as we say, not as we do *

* We really thought that we were done *

* But we've just begun *

Sorry you had to see that.

So are we.

Jim, this is the living room.

Why were your pants down?

- Because the pain isn't in my pants.

It's in my glute.

- Jim has always had glute issues,

and, oh, how I've missed them.

- Glute issues come from tension.

I don't have tension.

You don't have tension yet.

But you're marrying Julia,

so keep one of those in every room.

I don't have tension.

You're asymptomatic,

but you give it to other people.

- Where are the kids, by the way?

- I left them in the woods with some bread.

That was three days ago.

Jimmy's playing video games, and Grace is on TikTok

watching hamsters get married.

- And our children's futures grow brighter by the moment.

- Yeah, item one, Jimmy's school

gave the kids a career aptitude test,

and it said he should be an evangelist.

- Jesus. - Exactly.

He seems excited about it, so that's good.

Although personally, I think those tests are deeply flawed.

I remember my test.

It said I should run for governor someday.

- Mine said I should map the human genome.

What about yours, Jim?

What'd it say?

Doesn't matter.

Come on.

It doesn't--

cranberry farmer.

Oh, come on.

I was an 11-year-old boy.

I just happened to have a bladder infection.

- No. - Hey.

Yes, boys can get them.

Boys have bladders, and they get infected.

Whatever. It's fine.

It's fine.

OK, item number two.

As you know, it is Grace's 14th birthday tomorrow,

so I booked our special booth at Stornelli's.

Trey, you're gonna love this place.

Family style, spaghetti and meatballs,

big portions, bottomless bread basket.

And it is my treat.

No arguments, OK?

So come hungry and leave that big wallet at home.

- Actually, this year, we have an upgrade.

- An upgrade? - Tell him.

I got us into Takane.

Isn't that fantastic?

- Oh, my God, that is so fa-- what is Takane?

- A new sushi place that no one can get into.

- No one? How are they in business?

Well, no one but Trey.

He made a call.

I was happy to do it for you.

And for you, but most of all, for Grace.

And of course, it'll be my treat.

Thank you, my love.

Yes, thank you, her love.

But, Trey--

and I don't blame you for this, because clearly,

Julia did not tell you.

She's very busy.

The Kearney family always has birthdays at Stornelli's.

Our pictures are on the wall, for God's sakes.

Jim, this is Takane.

I "understand-ay."

Grace will love it.

She's always been a foodie.

Even all the way back in her nursing days,

she strictly preferred the left breast to the right.

I go back and forth.

Yes, you do.

Hey, hey, I'm right here.

OK, so did Grace actually tell you

she doesn't want to go to Stornelli's anymore?

- She didn't have to tell me. I know.

- You don't know what Grace knows,

and you know you don't know.

And I know you know you don't know.

We're going to Stornelli's. - Takane.

- Stornelli's. - Jim.

- Julia. - Trey.

- Now, when Julia and I carefully and painstakingly

mapped out our post-divorce life,

we may have failed to consider a few tiny things.

- Like birthdays, graduations, vacations, first communions,

baptisms, Mother's Day, Father's Day,

Labor Day, Arbor Day.

- OK, now you're just naming days.

So there we were, on our first major occasion,

at an unpredictable impasse.

- It was completely predictable.

People have birthdays every year.

- Or like Julia, every three years.

That's true.

- So smart people would have said,

"Hey, let's take a breath." - "Let's think it through."

- "Let's figure this out like mature adults."

But that's not who we are.

We are the Kearneys.

How could you say yes to Takane without even consulting me?

- Because I thought you'd be thrilled.

Every time we go to Stornelli's,

the meatballs give you diarrhea.

- Yes, but it's diarrhea by choice.

A personal sacrifice I make in the name of parenthood.

A hill I both create and die on.

You're welcome.

- Can you imagine a woman would ever tire of this man?

Jim, I am sorry.

I should have consulted you.

- No! You didn't do anything wrong.

All you did was make a birthday plan

for his daughter, your soon-to-be stepdaughter,

without asking him.

- You didn't say I had to ask him.

- I didn't think we had to ask him.

Well, you had to ask him.

- OK, Jim, can we take Grace to Takane?

No.

This is ridiculous.

This man, this generous man,

calls in a giant favor for our Grace,

and all you can do is swat it away?

How do you sleep at night?

I close my eyes.

Sometimes I--

You know what I mean.

Ah! Ah! Give me that thing.

Ah!

- Look, I'm sure Takane is great,

and I'm not saying I enjoy the diarrhea.

It would worry me if you did.

- But we are talking about tradition here.

And in this family, our birthday tradition

is we dine at Stornelli's,

and then I go home and uncork my bowels.

- The hell kind of tradition is that?

That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

I don't even know what to say anymore.

What kind of conversation is this?

- The kind of conversation you can only have

with Jim Kearney.

- I overstepped. We should go with Jim's plan.

- Well, I think Jim's overstepped,

and we should go with your plan.

- Well, I think you overstepped,

and we should go with my plan.

And that makes one vote for Takane

and two votes for Stornelli's.

Stornelli's it is.

Prepare the toilets!

- Oh, oh, oh, no, no, not so fast, big guy.

I think we should let Grace decide.

Mm. Great idea.

We'll force our daughter to choose between her parents,

and then for her birthday present,

we'll get her a big box of therapy.

This is bad.

Can I just ask,

how do they never notice the phone?

Shh!

If my career test was right,

these people are my flock.

But goodness gracious, do they need help.

Whatever Grace decides,

we will all accept it with a smile.

Why is Mom vibrating?

- Trey, you have hijacked my daughter's birthday.

You are a daughter's birthday hijacker.

- I thought I was doing a nice thing.

- Do you have any idea how many tragic stories

have started with those seven words?

Eight words.

- Ugh, fine. It'll be all up to Grace.

- No matter what I choose, I'll be disappointing somebody.

- Well, it's your own fault for having a birthday

so soon after the divorce.

That's a stupid thing to say.

What do you want?

My dad was a cranberry farmer.

I wish I knew what to do.