Always, Lola

To my favorite people on planet Earth.

It's time, bitches.

Buckle up for my third annual

rage-in-the-woods birthday extravaganza

in honor of, well, me.

You know the drill.

We camp, we party, we rage.

And best of all, we hunt.

And because not everything's about me,

I've done it again.

Five boxes, five gifts,

hidden around the woods for you to find.

Let's see if your scavenger hunt skills

have gotten better since last summer.

And to return the favor, here's what I want for my birthday.

Trey, you better bring back that epic playlist from last year.

Lee, you can man the fire.

Camila, the weather's looking sunny,

so I'm expecting top-notch margaritas.

Though I heard it might snow.

Right, Riggs?

And, yes, I did say five gifts,

because I invited Katherine this year.

She's CC'ed on this email, so don't talk any shit.

Or at least don't reply.

Love you, sis.

Let's make this summer

the best one yet.

Always, Lola.

What are we doing?

You're whisking me off to a private barn on my birthday.

Lola, I wanna make sure I'm 100% gay before I go to college.

You made out with Michael Hinterman at prom.

You made out with Michael Hinterman at Snowball.

I mean, everyone's made out with Michael Hinterman.

Listen, I need your help right now.

You know my parents and I don't talk about the whole gay thing.

Do you really need to talk about it?

I mean, they've met you.

Oh, please.

This is hard.

I'm hoping that maybe there's a chance that I'm like

bi or, like

Kinsey 3 or whatever,

so maybe I could give them hope

that I'll get married one day.

- Gay marriage is legal, Trey. - My parents

aren't going to a gay wedding. Especially mine.

You can't change your parents, dude.

Okay.

But this isn't really about that.

Well, it's, it's about those.

Huh?

I want to...

I wanna try... touch your breasts.

- - What?

Just you calling them breasts makes me feel kind of like poultry, Trey.

- Fine. - Okay, no, I'm sorry.

I, I'm willing to help you figure your shit out.

And it's my birthday, anyway, so I might as well get a little action.

- But we're setting ground rules. - Check.

First, can we both agree that this stays between us

- for my sake and your sake? - Check.

And you have to promise not to fall in love with me.

- It's too late for that. -

Do I just, like, squeeze or...

They're kind of, like, surprisingly muscly.

You've seen 40-Year-Old Virgin, right?

- With you, dummy. -

Everyone made fun of Steve Carell

for comparing boobs to bags of sand,

but, like, I totally get it.

- - Okay.

- Oh, God. - Yeah? Anything?

- - What? What?

- It feels like a floam-filled taquito. - What? What?

Like a taquito filled with floam.

Like '90s Nickelodeon floam?

Oh, my God. I forgot about floam.

- Well, you're definitely gay. -

But, you know, just a little gal-to-gal tip.

In case you ever decide to experiment,

- avoid the word floam, okay? -

- I'm playing DJ if you don't turn off

those notifications.

But the Clifton Clowns are live on IG.

The Clown Crew's all here.

Oh, yeah, Adam's here. Duh.

Aah. Anyway, Clown Crew, it's Friday afternoon,

which means it's time for your Clifton Clowns to go stir up some...

Shit.

Why do you follow them?

It's an interesting train wreck.

Are they wearing microphones?

As if they weren't douchey enough.

Oh, shit.

Just embrace it. You're finally free.

Great. Can't wait to tell my future roommate.

- Is not homophobic... - Is that Lola and Trey?

- You don't wanna see this, dude. - Mm-mm.

Why is Lola, like, in her bra?

With 200 people watching?

Hey! Hey, douche bags.

- You can't just film people without their consent. - Lee, Lee, Lee.

- Actually, you can. - Lee.

My cousin Streeter's an entertainment lawyer.

He mainly reps influencers. Anyway,

- he says this... - Shut up.

- is totally legit. - Yeah.

How do you think Jake and Logan Paul

got away with that Japan shit?

Do you really think you can call yourself influencers

with 12,000 followers?

We're microlebrities, okay? Google it.

So, next time you guys are down to clown,

to check your local city ordinances,

and get 10% off a free consult

using "ClownCrew" as referral.

And if we can get this live up to 500 viewers,

we can offer tons more Clown codes.

Wait, I just came out of the closet in front of 500 people?

- Well, only, like, 332 right now. - And rising.

- I never thought I could hate them more. - Oh.

What's wrong? You, uh, snowflakes

can't handle a little prank.

You know

I think you all need a reminder

- of the Clown Crew motto. - Right, right, right, right.

Get over it!

- Hey, hey! - Well...

Honestly, you guys are trash

for even following these misogynist comedy hacks.

"OMG, cringe. She must be so embarrassed."

Actually, I'm fucking not

because it's not like I have anything to hide.

Oh. You want me to take it off?

Fine. Film me.

- Whoa. - Hey, no, no, no, no.

- Lola. - Lola.

- - We've gotta get back at them.

We've gotta make a statement.

How about their stupid RV?

I still have that spray paint in the back of my car.

No, I've got it.

Look.

How amazing would it be to see that thing go up in flames?

- Hell, yeah, dude. - Yeah.

What? N... no, we're...

We're not gonna commit arson, Lola.

You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. Okay.

Uh, what if I took a shit on their front door?

- - What?

What are you doing?

I'm shutting this down before footage

of you shitting makes its way online.

I'm already freaking trying to figure out how I'm gonna scrub

that footage of you flashing the entire world.

Twelve thousand people is hardly the entire world.

They are taking advantage of you.

I don't care if two wannabe MAGA prank bros

think they're embarrassing me. They're not.

No, Lola. Your friends.

- You're not their mascot. - What are you talking about?

Well, they amp you up like you're their freaking show pony.

They're my friends.

When they egg you on and you spray-paint the gym

or puke at a nightclub, there are consequences.

And I'm the one cleaning it up.

My life is my own business.

Lola, I know you are taking your gap year,

but when college admissions counselors Google my name,

they see the articles about my sister.

My twin sister.

So, no, it is not really your own business.

Wake Forest literally asked me about this at our interview.

I thought that challenges are good for college essays.

Like, are you serious?

How many times have we talked about the fact

that you cannot mix weed and Lithobid?

I'm off it this weekend.

What?

Just this weekend, Katherine. I'm fine.

Where are you going?

It's my fucking birthday, Katherine.

It's mine too!

Or did you forget?

- Riggs? - Mm.

Thanks.

Yo, did we scare her away?

Bye.

I told you not to invite her.

Not everybody can take the heat.

Whatever.

Yeah, as long as you're not serious about

the whole shitting in public thing.

- Lee, I was kidding. - Okay.

What's wrong?

You snuck into a barn with your ex-boyfriend.

Are you seriously threatened by Trey right now?

Dude's gay from, like, a mile away.