Our Girl

'Private Dawes. Report to the OC.'

Relax, Dawes.

Bit cold out there, isn't it?

Yes, Sir. Tater's, Sir.

You'd better go and pack your sun cream, Dawes.

You're off to Afghan and it's 47 degrees.

'Battle casualty replacement.'

'You've done well on your mission specific training

so you've got tonight to say goodbye to your family.'

'It's not going to be easy, Dawes.'

'You're serving your country. Do yourself proud.'

'Brize Norton, 1100 hours tomorrow.

You're to report to a Corporal Kinders

and be attached to his section, under Captain James.'

'First impressions are important. Make the right one.'

Private Dawes?

Yes, corporal.

Welcome to the Under Fives.

Right, Dawes, you are with 2 section. Double in and join them.

Can it really take you massive cockwombles this long to

get into your sections for a bloody photograph?

What are you laughing at, medic?

Cockwomble, Sir.

For the benefit of our alleged new medic, who are we?

The Under Fives, Sir!

And why d'you think we're called that, medic?

- I don't know, Sir. - Well, take a look.

They look young, Sir?

And every one of them is in my charge

so if you can't cut it as our medic and part of the team

I have no hesitation in lobbing you out of the plane.

- Is that understood? - Yes, Sir.

I love a medic, me.

Cos he's sick in the head... he'll need you, poppet.

Pleased to make your acquaintance, darling. I'm Mansfield Mike.

Although I'm not actually from Mansfield.

Yeah, he is!

No, I'm not. I'm from Derby, actually.

Well, if it ain't my 'Friday night round the back of the Indian

- takeaway in Guildford.' - Oh, bollocks.

We were bound to meet up again at some point. That's the army for you.

Is that what you call me, "round the back of the Indian takeaway"?

Only for shorthand.

I was going to text you back but we weren't allowed phones at Catterick.

You got something on your chin...

Oh, it's just a bit of bullshit.

I bet you don't remember what they call me.

I do actually, it's in my phone. "Smurf".

Cos you look like one.

No, I don't, I'm bunk up material, me.

Could have had any of your section that night but I chose you.

Oh, I'm so proud! Listen, don't say anything to the others, yeah?

You don't want me to tell the lads?

What happened that night was just a one-off. I was pissed out my nut.

So you don't want me to tell anyone?

You better not. First impressions and all that.

I dunno if I'm comfortable not telling my comrades the truth.

Well I'm one of your comrades now so you'd better not let me down.

I'll just say I was on my phase two,

went to Pirbright for the rugby...

met you and some girls and had a laugh...

Well, that's the truth.

Behind the takeaway.

No, don't you dare!

Hey lads, mate of mine... cockney...

Wahey!

... But all right. Happy?

Ecstatic, you Welsh wanker.

Cheeky.

Right. Hour outside Bastion.

All don your full protective clothing, including helmets.

Look at that. Oh, my God.

They got a Costa Coffee. They ain't even got one of them in Basildon have they, Baz?

We got two, as it happens, because you know what they say?

Baz Vegas is paradise!

They got a Nando's?

They best have a Nando's or I'm going home. I love Nando's, man.

He wanted to get a Nando's tattoo when we was on basic!

Don't tell everyone our secrets!

God, look at the size of the sun! Loads bigger than the English sun.

I'm going to need more than my factor 50 out here, I tell ya that for nothing.

Left, right, left, right, left.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left.

Left, right, left, right.

Section! Halt!

Right turn!

Platoon! Atten-tion!

Welcome to Afghanistan.

You will be here at Camp Bastion for a few days assimilation.

And then you are to be deployed on a mission.

You have an excellent captain, on his fourth tour of Afghanistan.

So you will listen. Follow his instructions to the letter.

Do well, apply yourselves and you'll have a good tour.

Bit out of your price range, eh, Mansfield?

I don't know about you mate, but I booked the presidential suite.

Fellas!

I'll be leading a PT session at 05.30.

Make sure you hydrate tonight and first thing in the morning.

Any of you helmets not on top form and giving me 100%

will get my new regulation combat boot six lace holes up your arses.

Best recruit at Catterick, one pace forward.

Now, did you pass geography at school, Dawes?

- No, Sir. - No.

Did you, Smurf?

Oh, yes, Sir.

Good.

Then you can show our Doris where the female quarters are.

This is stags only.

Come on, Dawes. Get your stuff together.

- You think I can't manage me own kit? - Just trying to be nice.

Best recruit at Catterick.

What, the Captain say that to you every time he talks to you, does he?

He loves me. Everyone loves me.

I'm the life and soul, pal.

Dunno if I can put up with six months of your bollocks.

Are you really that pissed off that the captain likes me?

Maybe I don't want that Rupert to like me.

Find your own quarters!

What?

He's a better person than you'll ever be.

Don't worry about Smurf. Looking for the female quarters?

Come on.

- It's a bit bloody, hot innit? - You'll get used to it.

Dump your kit. That bed's free next to mine.

- I'm Molly by the way. - Jackie. And you've arrived on a killer hot day.

It's like walking through treacle!

- So you know Smurf, then? - I knew his twin brother.

- He was killed on Herrick 15. - You're joking.

James was his captain too.

That's why Smurf won't hear a bad word about him.

I just called him a Rupert.

Smurf's brother Geraint got shot in the neck on patrol.

James crawled about 200 metres on his belly

to get him and bring him back.

He weren't leaving him as a trophy for the Taliban.

He'd do the same for you.

Let's hope he don't have to.

We'll get something to eat later.

They got a Nando's?

Pizza Hut any good?

Got to be better than rations, eh?

It'll be worth it, trust me.

- Can't we just phone up for a delivery? - You can!

Serious. They got this little bloke that bombs around on a bike.

Be quicker just to grab one now, though.

You don't want to be eating junk food before a Captain James PT session!

We're off to the healthy tent!

Don't worry about me, mate. I'll still be running

- while you're breathing out your arse! - Obsessing about my arse again?

Don't ask.

Six injured. Merts bringing them in now. All medical personnel report to the hospital.

- Come on. - Me?

You're medical, aren't you?

Right, let's get him inside.

Molly, get on this stretcher. Molly!

Massive wound to lower back. I need surgical access,

if you could just let me know when that's happened. We need blood stat.

- Still losing blood. - Can we get a pelvic X-ray and a fast scan, please?

We're clear for chest X-ray.

- Come on, guys, focus. We're losing him! - Sort yourself out.

You all right, Moll?

I really thought my training would kick in.

It will do. Don't worry about it.

Will he make it? The marine.

Got a better chance here than anywhere else.

The state of him, Jackie.

Get some shut eye.

If only!

It'll be all right.

Private Dawes.

Private Dawes.

Well, I suppose we should be grateful you're not wearing your stilettos.

- It's full kit, Dawes. - Yes, Sir.

Left, right, left, right.

- Are we all acclimatizing to the conditions? - Sir!

Right, we're sprinting the last 50, go!

Smurf, hit the deck now!

Medic, man down! Left leg blown off below the knee, what you going to do?

Come on, what are you going to do?

You really going to let him bleed out while you gasp for air like a puffer fish?

Come on, Dawes! This isn't Call of Duty on the PlayStation.

Someone stands on an IED, there's a life to save. Get it?

Come on, what are you going to do? Come on, Dawes!

Smurf, get up.

- Who are we? - The Under Fives.

- Who are we?! - The Under Fives!

Now get yourselves showered, now. Double away!

He could have died just then.

Now, please don't tell me we've got the only medic

who can't stand the sight of blood.

Relax, lads!

So, we're out of Bastion in the morning and heading to our special little Forward Operating Base.

This will be home for the immediate. When we arrive at the village

we will link up with a small tally of Afghan National Army.

There's a small Taliban cell destabilising the area.

- Lovely! - Any questions?

No, Sir.

We need the locals to like us and, more importantly, to trust us.

Nobody let me down.