iGirlfriend

OK, what were we supposed to do?

Kill her?

Oh man.

I can't believe I'm here with you right now.

Going to school before school starts.

You're such a dweeb, dude.

And worse than that, I think it's rubbing off on me.

Dude, chill out.

This is going to take like two seconds.

I'm not even part of your gay little club, dude.

I really wish you would have told me

that you were doing this today before inviting me over.

I didn't invite you.

You just showed up.

Still, false advertising.

Hey, Sammy.

Where is everyone?

?

Look, this isn't a team meeting.

So let's get right to it.

Have you seen this?

Everyone has seen this video.

This is like Chernobyl bad.

Who the hell is Chernobyl?

I like to think I created a certain standard for this group

that you just no longer live up to.

And so Simon, you're out of FMSDA.

I'm going to need your jump drive

and your computer lab key card back.

I'm prepared to hear you defend yourself and make

me understand why you deserve to stay in FMSDA.

Rip a whole new asshole dude.

Whatever.

I'm sorry.

Compelling.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four--

This ain't your avenue, man.

Would you just shut your mouth?

Every time you open your mouth, you just make things worse.

Dude, we are going to kick this school's ass this year, man.

Oh man.

Oh shit, lacrosse team.

Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide.

There's that son of a bitch.

Oh, that's Desiree.

I cannot not understand what she sees in that douche bag.

What was that?

No one.

You were looking at her, weren't you.

Honey, I know what I'm doing.

You obviously don't.

Anyone who comes to the door can see inside the house now.

The TV part supposed to go on the inside.

The TV part, would you listen to yourself?

The monitor is on the inside of the house,

then how is any going to know that we have a video intercom.

Why does anyone have to know that we have a video intercom?

Because if I'm going to spend $537.51 on something,

I don't want to have to hide it from my neighbors.

I can't.

How's it going, Dad?

Oh, you know.

I can't complain.

So how's school going?

School hasn't started yet, Dad.

But it was a pretty rough day.

Good, good.

Just keep it up.

You know, I heard Ahmad even got a girl from this summer.

I'm sick of this shit.

That was my iPad.

I'm sick of being a loser, man.

I've had it.

Guys like Bashly get all the girls, and what do we get?

Pantsed on YouTube.

Yeah, I know.

Wait, Ahmad?

The spoiled little Indian kid from your iPhone club thingy.

OK, first of all, that's racist.

I don't see how that's racist.

He's from India and he's a squirrly looking fella.

Well, yeah.

Him.

How did that little dude get a girl to date him?

Dude probably made it up.

No, I've seen pictures of them together and everything.

So, it's easy to fake that.

You know, it actually is really easy to fake.

We're going to make ourselves girlfriends.

No, no.

That's creepy.

That's beyond creepy.

Well dude, I hate to break it to you,

but we're kind of pathetic and creepy already.

Deal with it.

People would see right through that.

No they wouldn't.

You're like an idiot savant computer guy.

Just make it do things.

Make it work.

There is no way that I'm going to sit here and make

a girlfriend on my computer.

It doesn't work that way.

You know, just think about all the opportunities

that this little computer could give us.

Just think about all the stupid app shit that you make.

Don't call it stupid.

All that really interesting app stuff

you make, why don't you just make it,

you know, interestinger, like with boobies.

Think about the boobies, Simon.

Think about the boobies.

It's not going to work.

We just post a bunch pictures of us

Photoshopped in with some girls, claiming to be our girlfriends.

People are going to see right through that.

Haven't you seen "Catfish?"

Here me out.

We take different pieces from different girls

on the Internet.

We put them together to make an amalgam of a girl, you know?

It's one that can't be searched.

Different hair from this girl, eyes from this girl,

lips from this girl, tits from that girl,

real Frankenstein shit.

Like, they go to be hot, but they can't be too hot,

you know?

Like, in your case maybe a little bit jerkey.

We hack into Facebook, we go back in time literally

by changing the days on the photos,

and put it in like they've been on for years.

You know?

Like sweet sixteens, family reunions,

quinceaneras and all that shit.

Like, they need to be interactive, you know?

Write an iPhone ad that will text and call us.

What are you going to name yours?

Lilly.

Her name is Lilly.

College girls?

No way.

We now have girlfriends.

Greetings lame dicks.

Stanley.

Whats up?

So, I heard about your GFs.

Oh, did you now?

Yeah, I did.

We haven't even told anybody.

I saw it on Facebook.

Everybody saw it on Facebook.

Well, our girls.

They just had to go tell everybody.

You know how girls are?

Yeah.

They're really into us.

Yeah.

Really into us.

So where are they?

Oh, that's right.

They're college girls, right?

Hm-hm.

Totally.

So why didn't you mention them yesterday?

Well, because you were being a dick yesterday.

What college do they go to?

State.

Where'd you meet them?

Outward bound.

Why is this the first time we heard of it.

Extreme wilderness adventure.

We're only allowed to use technology once per week

and call it--

Where are they from?

Stacey?

Willowsbrooke.

Lilly?

Northbrooke.

Have they met your parents yet?

Not yet.

We're keeping it casual.

How far have you gotten with her?

A gentleman never tells.

Bullshit.

Peg?

Oh, we're boning like rabbits, but like really horny rabbits.

Dude.

What?

Gross.

Oh, lookey here.

Calling me right now, the old ball and chain.

Nice.

Yeah.

Well, see you later, dude.

Mr. Nathaniel Hawthorne working on the emotion