Veep

Is this the last one, 'Leash?

I cannot walk another step with my Louboutin heels.

Humph. Yeah, "Louboutin." Right.

And who wears fake heels at breakfast time?

- Dee do. - Alicia? Alicia Bryce?

- Hey, you're Alicia Bryce, right? - Who wants to know?

- Some curb-crawlin' asshole. - My name's Jonah Ryan.

I'm a reporter. I am straight diggin' your campaign.

- Uh-huh. What campaign? - Your child care campaign.

Your "I live three miles from the White House",

might as well be three million miles."

All right. I'll talk.

That clown car got a giant clown in it.

Hold up, hold up! Hey there! Alicia, whoa.

And I want to tell real stories about real people, okay?

I'm like John Steinbeck in that regard... or Denzel Washington.

- You wanna ask me a question? - Yes.

"Tell me your story. Question mark."

- Okay. I'm a single mom. Mm-hmm.

I have a six-year-old daughter named Halo.

Sometimes when I take her to school,

- we have some problems... - Oh, shit.

- What? - Excuse me?

Alicia? I'm Amy Brookheimer. We spoke yesterday.

Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Hi!

- Hi, Amy. Great seeing you. - You guys know each other?

- We dated. - We worked together.

I was kinda Amy's boss at the time. It got complicated.

But she's basically a good kid.

- Do you mind, maybe we can... - Go inside?

- That's a great idea. - Yeah, that'd be great, let's go inside.

- Some other time. - Okay, some other time.

- All right. - I'm gonna hold you to that.

- All right. - I'll see you later.

- Just sittin' on the co'ner. - What?

Nothing.

Halo, baby, come out here and meet Miss Amy from the vice president's office.

Hello. Do you like Power Rangers?

Okay. Well, you can go back and sit with Grandma, okay?

Well, I'm gonna get right to it.

The veep wants you to be with her

when she announces she's running for president.

- Oh, my God. - She's a really big fan of yours, Alicia.

- Yeah? You hear that? - In fact, right now she is at her desk

patiently waiting to speak with you.

Ma'am, outdoors risks rained-on hair and running mascara.

Do you want to look like Alice Cooper?

My second marriage took place in the rain.

You can see my nipples in all the photos.

I'm doing the speech outside, all right?

All great speeches are done outside.

Gettysburg, Mount Sinai...

the speech I made in Philadelphia three weeks ago.

- Which was fantastic. - Which was fucking fantastic.

- That was inside, ma'am. - Oh, that was inside.

Ma'am. Ma'am, it's Amy. She sounds uncomfortable.

- Like she's with a member of the public. - Okay.

She's got one of the "normals" here.

Okay, space? We're not going to be dealing with space

as an issue in the speech.

Space is bold, but safe at the same time.

There are no votes in space. There's nothing there.

- Hi, Ame. - I'm gonna pass you onto Alicia, ma'am.

- Alicia? - Alicia Keys?

Alicia Bryce, that's right, ma'am!

- She loves you. - Oh, Alicia Bryce!

She's doing the "Walk To The White House."

I know, right. She wants universal child care, right?

- I know who she is. - Child care, exactly.

Amy, put her on. Alicia!

Hi-i-i!

- Hi-ii, Madam Vice President. - How are you?

I want you to know universal child care is something

I'm going to be passionate about in my campaign.

I can't wait to see you on the special day.

Thank you so much for being a part of all of it.

I'm very honored. Thank you.

Okay. Bye-bye.

- Ma'am? - Yeah.

I'm in the middle of a lot of shit right now, so I'm hanging up.

Yeah, we are delighted too!

Ma'am. Child care?

Children are of no value. Forget child care.

Children are vital, Kenny Rogers.

We're not all planning to die alone like you.

So you excited to be here?

You bet!

If your girl makes president, you guys double your pay, right?

- I don't know. Do we, Amy? - That's not how it works.

The vice president is so happy that we found you, Alicia.

Kent, this is Alicia Bryce, the universal child care lady.

- Hi. - Sure.

Oh. Whatever it is I'm selling, he is not buying.

Don't worry, he's like that with all the humans.

He thinks you're great. I'm just gonna remind him.

Yeah. Please do, Ame.

Mike, I've been waiting for an hour for excerpts from the speech.

Leon, today is a very high-pressure day,

and as you know me, I don't even like high-pressure showers.

Is that what I've been smelling?

I thought maybe it was your panic.

He's kidding. I shower, of course.

And you like to use a lot cologne. Like a lot of cologne.

- Axe Body Spray, right, Mike? - Okay, guys?

If we could put Mr. West back in the press area

and keep him there? Thank you.

- Ms. Bryce? - Mm-hmm?

- Sue Wilson. - Oh.

What does a red sticker mean?

I'm like a target for snipers?

It means you're wearing a red sticker. Follow me, please.

Ma'am, I spoke to Senator Doyle earlier,

and he offered his input on configuration of guests.

Doyle? You're kidding me. I'd rather get advice from a fucking Ouija board.

Sue, where's Catherine?

- She's late, ma'am. - She better have been in an accident.

Dan, this rewrite kicks balls and ass.

It explains me, it really articulates me.

It's beautifully put together... like me.

It's great. It's locked.

- Oh, thank God. - We just have a couple of tweaks.

If you go to paragraph two on page one,

that's where you'll see my notes.

I thought you just said it was locked.

Yeah, it is. It's structurally very sound.

We just need to nail the wording, okay?

- Ma'am. - Yes?

This "Saturday Night Live" shitstorm

has just hit nine on the "Sphincter Scale."

- The sketch? - Yeah. Three million hits.

Oh, those shit stains.

So what? I had a horse as a kid. Who didn't?

- Mmm... - I mean, have a pet is what I meant.

Well, ma'am, in your book, you say that pony grooming

taught you about how tough it is for American farmers.

- I did say that, 'cause they do. - That's funny!

- Why is that funny? - I can't watch it. Did you see it?

No, I don't watch this show. It's completely juvenile.

What are you doing, honey?

I'm learning how hard it is to be a farmer.

It's really, really hard!

Finished!

It's like "SNL" is going back in time and abusing a child.

I'm Selina Meyer, and I approve my pony.

Like I always say, nothing less funny than a comedian.

Ma'am, the thing to do in this situation is you own it.

You go on the show, and you own it.

Are you kidding me, Dan?

If somebody takes a shit in your car, what are you gonna do?

You gonna drop your trout and take a crap

through the sunroof? I don't think so, buddy.

Get on the phone to "SNL" and fix this.

- Ma'am, this has speech implications... - Oh, please.

Sue, can I impose myself on your diagram over here?

Come on over. "Sue" casa es su casa, sir.

- Wait a minute. - That's funny, Sue.

- What are you saying? - Well, thanks to "Saturday Night Live,"

we need to take "Disabled Farmer" off the steps.

- No, we don't. - You gotta take him out of the speech.

- So, Dan, you got to lose... - Yup.

So now we need to replace Disabled Farmer with somebody else.

- No, you're not going to replace him. - Wait, shit, you know what?

We can't lose the farmer. If we do that,

we gotta get rid of the "Sensitive New York Fitness Guy," and then

we can't go metropolitan if we're not gonna hit Middle America.

- That's right. - We need to rewrite the speech!

I can't rewrite the rewrite, Kent. I'm still writing it.

That's the reality, Dan. If you don't like the reality,

go live in Oregon and make quilts with my mother. She could use the help.

Guys, guys, everything here is sacred.

This is staying exactly the way it is.

Okay? Exactly. For the first time in four years,

I can say what I really think.

You start picking this thing apart, and what am I left as?

Some sort of optimistic warmonger with a soft spot for educated gays.

What's the hold-up?

President Lincoln should be back from the theater by now.

- Good things come to those who wait. - Gimmie.

Quit your yakking, 'cause guess who's packin'!

- Give me one of those. - Legit journalists only.

Yeah, not some pissant who narrowcasts

libelous poison from his mother's phone.

Know what, Leon? I'm the future of news media, so...

- Mike, this is just a press release. - No, it's not.

Jonah, I'm going to have your credentials checked, Jonad.

Oh, yeah, real professional, Mike.

- Jonad! Jonad! - I'll find my own.

- Jonad! Jonad! - Mike!

Hi. Is there someplace we're supposed to be?

Sorry, yeah. Just yelling at the media. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, hey, Steps VIPs. You guys are an inspiration.

- Thank you. - Put your boss on the phone,

or I will sauté your sack, you "SNL" shitstick.

Red Stickers assemble!

That was Sue. She says it's time for you guys

- to become Steps Superstars! - Yay!

- I need all Steps VIPs, please! - That's you!

- You dared to dream. - That's anyone with a red sticker!

Are you ready? Come on. Here we go.

Mike, half of America just came in.